As a lot of people here probably know, T and I had a therapy-ending rupture this winter. It lasted for, literally, months, and was incredibly painful and I finally made the decision to end therapy at the beginning of the summer. By the time we ended we were on good terms, and the ending itself was really loving and emotional and good...I just felt like it was something we couldn't really move past to continue my therapy for a lot of reasons I can't go into here.

Since then, I've seen T three times. Once was about a month after we ended therapy, to bring him a gift and tie up some loose ends. Once was a few weeks ago when my son had surgery and I needed some extra support, and then I saw him today.

Over the past couple of months, it's become more clear to me how the rupture brought up SO much old stuff. And it's been really hard for me to not have someone to work through it with. T really pulled away during the rupture and wasn't really available for me...he's told me since then that it brought a lot of stuff up for him that he had to work through, and he just wasn't able to be a good therapist at the time.

I went to see him today wanting to talk about some of the things I had left over, but when I got there my anxiety was through the roof. I had an anxiety attack and T had to turn the lights down really low because I felt like my head was going to explode. I was terrified to say ANYTHING...like the rupture was something that I had to stay silent about for fear of upsetting T. I didn't even realize how much I felt like that until I started trying to talk about it.

It reminded me so so so so so much of being little...of the adults' feelings and needs being so big and of how I had to make myself so small and quiet. I couldn't tell anyone what was going on, and if I tried to, their own need and perceptions got in the way and it was really really bad and scary.

It took me a long time and some tears but I finally managed to tell all of that to T. I told him that I just needed someone to hear how it all was for ME, how *I* felt, how I was affected. I told him how I couldn't tell anyone what was happening when I was little and this felt so much like that.

I said something really hard to say and the world fell away, totally. I could hear T telling me to breathe, to listen for sounds, but I just couldn't. Finally he came to sit with me and held my hand and I felt a little more anchored in now.

But the amazing thing was...he HEARD me. And he got it. And he helped me see that this is different, that we can talk about what happened, that it will be hard, but that it's important. He said he's done a lot of work since then, and he can can hear me, that he can listen to how it affected me, that I can tell and it will be okay.

I've had so many "corrective emotional experiences" with T, but I honestly thought that this was something I was going to have to get over and to let go and move through on my own. I didn't think that there was any chance that I could have a "corrective emotional experience" with T *about* T when we had such a hard thing happen between us.

It was a *total* surprise, not something I had even considered as a possibility.

At the end of session, I told T "thank you for hearing me," and he told me "thank you for being so courageous". It was just a really good, connecting, healing session.

I never even talked about the stuff I had left over from the rupture...it turned out that talking about talking about it was actually the hard thing, and even bigger than the stuff that I thought was left over.

I'm just sharing this because I know that sometimes people have ruptures with T that seem impossible to get past - this was one of those for me, for sure - but here it is, eight months later, and we're moving past it. It's the hugest gift, because I really did think this was something I was going to have to move through on my own. It was so long and painful and hard but in the end we both stayed open and willing to work and it's going to be okay.

I'll probably continue seeing him once every couple of weeks or so while we work on this and then see what happens. It's SUCH a huge trigger from my childhood. So maybe this painful thing that happened will end up being a really good chance to heal.

It seems like the more painful things are, the bigger the problem is and the bigger the chance for healing. I think you're very courageous for what you did. You did it even though the anxiety was so great that you had a severe attack. I'm impressed! I've had to pop a couple of xanax for a lot less than that

Thanks for sharing this. It's given me a lot to think about. Plus a hefty dose of inspiration. Thanks!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by nightsky

I didn't think that there was any chance that I could have a "corrective emotional experience" with T *about* T when we had such a hard thing happen between us.

Difficult to believe, isn't it?

But that's what's so great about the therapeutic relationship.
It can always be repaired.

[Crescent Moon]

Beautiful, Nightsky!

[Dreamy01]

I'm so pleased for you! I truly believe that ruptures can open the way to great healing but it's so very hard to remain in that emotional and physcial space at the time to achieve it. It sounds like you and T are slowly but carefully working through what this has brought up for you and that is wonderful.

I had a rupture with my own T some months back - a horrible one - but I came through it too. I have learnt a lot about conflict in the process and how 'real' relationships can survive it if both parties can be honest and committed. I have also learnt that everyone makes mistakes, ts or not, and sometimes the very mistakes link back to stuff in the past that needs working through. Life is very strange like that and sometimes in therapy the past gets acted out by both client and t in a subconscious dynamic. But in the deepest pain comes the deepest healing. I really hope this works out for you. Regardless of whether this goes long term or not, it sounds like you have already taken a massive couragous step in your healing.

[WikidPissah]

nightsky this is so good to hear! I am glad that you got to experience this with your T, it is so important to be validated and heard. So happy for you!!!

[unaluna]

so beautiful, i'm feeling a little congested, which is about as close to crying as I usually get in T! my "thing" with T was a year ago, and we're still processing new things from it. it's like the r/s was rebooted then. a whole different one started between two diferent people.

[2or3things]

This is so good to hear. I've been rooting for you and this T all this time, hoping you could find some way back to each other, whatever that looks like.

You are brave, brave, brave. And a total inspiration.

[elliemay]

I'm very happy for you that you are processing all this in such a positive way. It's also great that your therapist is willing to do so as well.

I think this is going to turn out very well indeed.

[geez]

(((nightsky))) I'm happy for you that your T has given you the 'containment' of safety to be able to share that with him. Great work!

[Chopin99]

Two factors have resulted in the greatest healing in my T experience:

1. Having complete trust in T and the process.
2. Repairing the ruptures T and I have had.

I am so happy for you, Nightsky. You have been very courageous in your relationship with T...and it has paid off!!

[SallyBrown]

I am SO glad to read this nightsky. It seemed so much to me that a huge problem you were having with T was that he wasn't hearing you, and was blocking out your subjective truth for some reason that had to do with him, and not you. What is therapy for if not exploring one's own truth? It's so great to hear that he's done some work on this and seems to be able to set aside or put down whatever it was that was blocking his hearing you and to let in your experience and perspective. I hope this trend continues

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

It seemed so much to me that a huge problem you were having with T was that he wasn't hearing you, and was blocking out your subjective truth for some reason that had to do with him, and not you.

YES. This. This is exactly what was going on, and I was too close to it to see it, and T was too lost in it to make it better.

I don't know how things will go from here, but I do feel hopeful that maybe he'll be able to hear me now. Not being heard (in therapy!!) is THE worst, most defeating feeling for me.

Nightsky, so glad that things seem to be working out with your T. At the very least, you are getting the support that you need right now and hopefully that will continue into the future. Wishing you the best!