[LotusBloom]

Maybe I'm just reading more into it than it really is, but I can't seem to let it go. I don't know how to interpret how my t responds non-verbally to what I say sometimes. I don't think he even knows he does it most times. Almost every session while I'm talking and he is taking notes or just listening there will be a brief half smile. Like he's trying to hold back the smile. Last session there was even a one sided smile. It bothers me, because my first instinct is to think he doesn't believe me or I'm saying something dumb. I never seem to be able to ask at the moment what that was...it is always upon reflection of the conversation that it really starts to bug me. Not just the smiling thing but other things like how he fondles his pen, etc. perhaps it's just me trying to create barriers. I dont know. Anyone else have issues with t's non-verbal body language?

My first time through therapy, I ended up just enraged at my therapist. My life just kept getting worse, it seemed like, and all he did was sit there and take notes or ask me question. I got so angry about those unending questions and he would never ANSWER my questions. He had NO ANSWERS. So, one day when he asked me how I was and I said 'fine,' I finally stopped and just said I wasn't fine and I was sick of therapy and I was sick of his questions, and I was sick of the fact that he never really responded to anything I said and I was left to try to interpret his facial expressions and occasional twitches and I just WANTED ANSWERS! He made a joke about having all the answers, but keeping them locked in the cupboard and not sharing. I was like and finally started laughing. He asked what he could do to make the therapy experience easier for me and I told him I needed feedback. I wanted and needed him to tell what the half-smile meant. I wanted him to actually respond and tell me what he thought and not leave me to guess. We reached an agreement whereby he would try to tell me what he was thinking, but that I would ask what he was thinking if it was bothering me. It worked out really well.

So, maybe you can just tell your T that you are wondering what those expressions mean. Stop and ask him what he's thinking WHILE he's doing it. If you wait until later, he may not remember.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by LotusBloom

Maybe I'm just reading more into it than it really is, but I can't seem to let it go. I don't know how to interpret how my t responds non-verbally to what I say sometimes. I don't think he even knows he does it most times. Almost every session while I'm talking and he is taking notes or just listening there will be a brief half smile. Like he's trying to hold back the smile. Last session there was even a one sided smile. It bothers me, because my first instinct is to think he doesn't believe me or I'm saying something dumb. I never seem to be able to ask at the moment what that was...it is always upon reflection of the conversation that it really starts to bug me. Not just the smiling thing but other things like how he fondles his pen, etc. perhaps it's just me trying to create barriers. I dont know. Anyone else have issues with t's non-verbal body language?

I think you might be experiencing transference. Your therapist isn't giving you much to go on, and you're interpreting him in light of how significant people early in your life (usually parents) responded (or didn't) to you. It's a natural thing to do.. but if those early relationships were dysfunctional, then you'll have learned a dysfunctional way of interpreting things - especially non-verbal things. If you grew up with parents who make you feel cherished, important, deeply loved and accepted, then you'd transfer that experience to your therapist, and you'd interpret his 'blank' stance as him being interested, contemplating everything you say, etc.

I think therapists often at least start therapy by creating opportunities for a client to transfer early relationship experiences onto them, because it helps the therapist figure out what's going on.

[pbutton]

I got SUPER mad at my T once. He did that half grin and I stopped mid-sentence and said "AM I ENTERTAINING YOU?!! " He said yes, but it was said in a nice way & he wasn't making fun of me at all. He was enjoying my company. It really took the wind out of my sails. He said I have an interesting way of phrasing things. Do you do something similar?

Originally Posted by LotusBloom

Maybe I'm just reading more into it than it really is, but I can't seem to let it go. I don't know how to interpret how my t responds non-verbally to what I say sometimes. I don't think he even knows he does it most times. Almost every session while I'm talking and he is taking notes or just listening there will be a brief half smile. Like he's trying to hold back the smile. Last session there was even a one sided smile. It bothers me, because my first instinct is to think he doesn't believe me or I'm saying something dumb. I never seem to be able to ask at the moment what that was...it is always upon reflection of the conversation that it really starts to bug me. Not just the smiling thing but other things like how he fondles his pen, etc. perhaps it's just me trying to create barriers. I dont know. Anyone else have issues with t's non-verbal body language?

Yes, me too. I'm super-sensitive to any signs of rejection or disapproval, so every little move T makes can set me off. We've talked about it, and I'm really working to bring up anything he does that bothers me AT THE TIME IT HAPPENS. He's told me that it's impossible for him to remember exactly what he was thinking an entire week ago. And I can see that would be true. So I'm really trying to identify this stuff when it happens, and deciding whether it bothers me enough to bring it up. It's working well, like MKAC said. Not easy, but I think I'm making progress.

At least you're aware of this when it happens, although something is holding you back from bringing it up.I hope you can talk through the whole thing with your T. Anything is better than suffering with all those negative feelings and doubts for the entire time between sessions!

[LotusBloom]

MKAC - I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop talking and ask him what it is he finds amusing, but haven't been able to yet. The one-sided smile really got me this time. I've read that it is a sign of contempt or disbelief.

Which brings me to Crescent Moons comments. Transference, I don't know, haven't really thought that was happening. Yes, my childhood/childhood relationships were very dysfunctional and "reading" body language was a necessary survival skill. Guess this why I'm so perplexed as to why I'm having difficulty reading my t???? I also have attachment issues...just don't get attached and pretty sure I'm not quite there with t.

Thanks pbutton for providing a different perspective! I can take myself so serious sometimes and really never stepped back to see how that looks or sounds to others.

Still just can't shake the feeling he is placating me. Guess, Crescent Moon, I've found something to talk about next session. Thanks everyone.

[Mike_J]

I had just the opsite reaction with my therapist, I would be troubled by her lack of non-verbal "cues" for me to be able to read her with. She is great at the whole "therapist facade".

Took me a long time to adjust to someone I couldn't read, normally I'm really good at it, so this was SO frustrating.

Could be your therapist is projecting an "image" that he thinks will be most beneficial to you, you might want to talk to him about it.

[stopdog]

I don't usually look at the one I go to. Seems to help with this sort of thing.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't usually look at the one I go to. Seems to help with this sort of thing.

Then I guess that explains why you can't remember what she looks like between sessions

[stopdog]

Oh yes. It is not a mystery to me necessarily.

If I did look at the woman and was wondering about it, I would just ask her.

[LotusBloom]

Mike J -- that would be frustrating! I'd probably push all kinds of buttons to get a reaction. Guess my T just can't win right now. Perhaps you're right. My T may be responding to my body language. Guess this is really bothering me and I realy need to talk about it with t.