How many people helped to raise their syblings? I had 7 , one older brother who messed with me from 5 til 14... But the rest I feel responsable for... I'm talking to T but somehow feel,I failed at least 1/2 of them, but I was a child too... Anyone else?

[CantExplain]

I met a woman at group, who at the age of four decided she was going to look out for her baby brother because no one else did.

[Victoria'smom]

I raised my sister until she was 9 ish. I left the house and she felt abandoned by me. She didn't get over this until she needed me at 22 and I was right their for her. I feel I failed her. At the time I don't feel I could be a good influence and was causing more chaos in our lives than me just leaving. Honestly I don't know what I could have done to make my leaving better. Moving was a power play that backfired. I'm happy for the girl she turned into though.

Guilty is how I feel like I failed them all, how does one get over that?

[Victoria'smom]

I think in time you have to realize that wasn't your responsibility and all you can do now is be there for them when they need you.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Guilty is how I feel like I failed them all, how does one get over that?

LolaCabanna. YOU did not fail them. Your PARENTS did. A child can not raise another child. That is the way nature work.

I had an older sibling who helped raise me. Some of my problems comes from that BUT I have never nor will I ever blame that person. It was under stupid circumstances and done out of love for me.

It is not that persons fault and I have never blamed that person.
I talked to a therapist about it and if it had been a parent/ an adult it would have been a different situation but that person did the alsolutely best that person could do and is an amazing person, because not everyone would have tried and taken on that responsibility.

What I am trying to say is: Don´t feel guilty about it!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I think in time you have to realize that wasn't your responsibility and all you can do now is be there for them when they need you.

Yes, this.

[Nightlight]

It amazing to me that those who tried to look after younger kids when they were kids themselves now feel guilty for failing their younger siblings. As an adult I really care about and look out for other people, it's really important to me. As a child I didn't get on with my younger sibling at all, and didn't look out for him either. That makes me feel so sad now. It's so unlike me now as an adult...but I guess I too was a child and I didn't know how to take care of someone else, because nobody had really shown me what that was like. Other people seem to manage to try though and I really wish that I had tried. I wish that I had been a better kid but I wasn't!

[scorpiosis37]

Since my little sister and I never had a real mom, I took responsibility for raising my sister. I also took responsibility for protecting her from our bio mom and protecting our bio mom from herself when my dad was at work/out of town. I'm only 3 years older than my sister, but I did everything I could for her-- and I still do. Now she's in law school, and she still calls me to help her with her homework! I consider the fact that my sister has no concept of what I did for her-- and is totally ungrateful-- as proof that I did a good job! She thinks our childhood "wasn't that bad." If only she knew that I protected her from...

I have the other end of the spectrum. My step mother looking for the mother she didn't have, looked to me to be resPonsible for her. I know now it wasn't how things should be but it still left me feeling guilty.

I think these are typical dysfunctional trends in dysfunctional families and takes a long time to work through.

I'm much younger than my siblings. My parents did not leave the responsibility for "raising" me to my siblings, but of course they did some baby sitting... looking at it "from the other end", I have always felt guilty for infringing on my siblings' lives. I have no idea if they actually resented me, though, or if it was just regular "annoying little sister" vibes that all elder siblings have.

[bluemountains]

Our "parents" were not that-I've posted lots in the past about csa and other abuse. Out of five children, my oldest brother was one of my abusers and he left home to live with my dad at 15 because my oldest sister threatened him-she walked in on the abuse. My sister (7 yrs. older) took care of us until she left home at 18 to get married. Then it was just me at 11 yrs. old, and my two younger brothers, with very little supervision from my mom.
I looked out for them as best I could, but also we were in survival mode-sometimes we were hungry because there was no food in the house, so would steal change from my youngest brother-he had a piggy bank that he stocked when adults were around, and we would walk to the laundromat to buy snacks.
I have always felt guilty for stealing my brother's money. It wasn't much, but we were supposed to look out for each other.
Bluemountains

[WikidPissah]

I have 6 siblings, 5 of them are older, a lot older, by at least 12 years. My older sisters hated me. I have a brother who is a year younger than I that I kind of raised. I changed him, fed him, bathed him...etc. We wouldn't have eaten if I didn't steal food from the neighbors. He's 46 now, and still calls me in the middle of the night if he drinks too much. He is a professional, but lives a solitary life. I worry about him incessantly.

I think caring for him made me a lifetime caregiver. I always feel responsible for other people's happiness. It has gotten so bad that all I feel is pressure when I am around others.

[trdleblue]

I'm the youngest, and although I wouldn't say that my brother raised me, he did look out for me a lot.

I raised my younger sister until I was 18 and went to college. Many of our issues now are because she cannot forgive me for leaving her, or for how badly she thinks I did in raising her. (I was eight when she was born.) Before my dad died, he sat down with her and tried to talk to her about how treats me, and her refusal to either accept my apology or even talk to me about what she thinks I did wrong. She tells everyone else how horrible I am, but to my face would say everything was fine. Anyway, my dad tried to point out to her that the people she SHOULD be angry at were him and my mother, because they failed to be parents and left an eight year old in a the position of TRYING to fill the gap, but she refused to see that and continues to just blame me for everything I did wrong.

What has helped me was FINALLY discussing with my T the things that I am horrified that I did in 'parenting' my little sister. Just sat there and said, 'here are the mistakes I made.' I did the best I could as a child to try to protect my little sister from physical abuse. I did a piss poor job of meeting her emotional needs or teaching her what she needed to know and I certainly bullied the snot out of her to keep her in line because I would get beaten for her mistakes. His response was enormously healing. He pointed out there is a reason small children do not have children. It's because small children are incapable of raising a child. He asked me to picture his 14 year old daughter trying to raise a small child. He said, "she's great and she's smart, but when it comes to raising kids, she's still a total idiot." That made me laugh, and realize that it really WASN'T my fault.

It wasn't your fault, Lola. It isn't your responsibility now. If you are able to help her, great. If you cannot, you still can provide emotional support. If you can afford it, maybe you could hire someone in her area to go in and clean house for her, or provide some childcare. You're still helping, even if you're not physically present.

[Sannah]

Good topic. Children being responsible for siblings brings codependency where the responsible child cannot meet their own needs (because their needs were sacrificed to meet the needs of others) and frequently if not always meets the needs of others when they shouldn't.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Good topic. Children being responsible for siblings brings codependency where the responsible child cannot meet their own needs (because their needs were sacrificed to meet the needs of others) and frequently if not always meets the needs of others when they shouldn't.

Yup , in a nut shell that's it.. worse yet I cant even recognize I have needs, I cant even point out what they are. Its like I'm so spent from taking care of EVERYONE else...there is nothing left for me.
I moved far far away from all of them at 17, because I couldn't handle it anymore. But all it takes is one phone call to make me feel terrible about it, as my sister is hurting. So then I feel like its my job to contact the parents and scold them for not being there for her, when they are physically within 15 miles of her. And I HATE talking to them, I can count on one hand how many times I've talked to either in person or on the phone in the last 10 years. It makes me sad. When my brother developed cancer, I flew home to be with him during his first round of chemo, as our father was too busy and he lives in the same area. I've told all my siblings to stop expecting anything from them and some have, but I suppose the others will all have to learn for themselves.

[Butterflies Are Free]

My mom had to help raise her three younger sisters because her mom had severe depression. It was really hard for her.

[Sannah]

I think that learning how to not overly take care of others has to do with boundaries and understanding that it is healthier for a person to learn how to take care of themselves. You can help others but that other person has to take the lead in taking care of themselves. If a person doesn't learn how to take care of themselves it is like they are handicapped. For you to reflexively/automatically take care of others, this is a boundary crossing.

I also had to learn how to meet my needs. I kept hitting a boundary until I figured out what was holding me back. I figured out that subconsciously I believed that if I attended to my needs, that my mother would stop loving me. My mom was very self centered and I must have picked up on body language, etc. that my needs were not important to her (or maybe it was her blindness to my needs!). Anyway, children want to please their parents so if she didn't think that my needs were important then I had to agree in order to please her and finally get the love from her that I needed. Well, that didn't really happen. So maybe you can't attend to your needs because you don't want to displease your parents either? I'll bet your parents said things to get you to do their work for them? Made you feel guilty in order to get you to do what they wanted?

Originally Posted by Sannah

I think that learning how to not overly take care of others has to do with boundaries and understanding that it is healthier for a person to learn how to take care of themselves. You can help others but that other person has to take the lead in taking care of themselves. If a person doesn't learn how to take care of themselves it is like they are handicapped. For you to reflexively/automatically take care of others, this is a boundary crossing.

Boundaries....again? Man I hate that word...

I have huge issues with boundaries , I have none, but I'm learning. I think my lack of caring for myself stems from no one meeting my needs as a child and no one wanting to hear about it either... so after awhile you forget you have needs. Instead I tried to meet everybody else s needs, so they would like me or in the case of the siblings, because they were incapable and therefore I felt obligated. There are times I have to remind myself to eat or drink, as I am so wrapped up in the task at hand.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Good topic. Children being responsible for siblings brings codependency where the responsible child cannot meet their own needs (because their needs were sacrificed to meet the needs of others) and frequently if not always meets the needs of others when they shouldn't.

So it's the younger sibling's fault?

Originally Posted by Apteryx

So it's the younger sibling's fault?

No ultimately its the fault of the parents. Its always been odd to me the screening process involved in adopting an animal, but anybody can have a child and go unchecked. Crazy.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

So it's the younger sibling's fault?

how is it OUR fault?! we didn't ask to be born. we have no skills or abilities. we're not allowed to turn on the stove! you get my drift...

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

No ultimately its the fault of the parents. Its always been odd to me the screening process involved in adopting an animal, but anybody can have a child and go unchecked. Crazy.

YES. I agree. It's insane.

[Sannah]

Yeah, definitely the parent's fault.