[~EnlightenMe~]

I've seen this T for 7 years and am devastated that it ended like this. I told you a part of the story in my "The Details" post, a part that really upset me.
However, there were good times, there were times when he helped me tremendously, and everything in between, but we always struggled through.
I am so disappointed with him, and I can't say that I've ever felt this way (I've felt angry enraged, etc., but not disappointed). I'm disappointed because after I took the vacation, for the past few months I've felt that he wasn't being honest, or maybe he wasn't being real. I am 99% sure that his therapeutic efforts were to get me to leave, but he told me that this was not so. I felt like I was being manipulated. I told him, I feel like there is a big elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about but I can't put into words what the elephant is.

The session before the final session, I told him that the next session would be the last. So, when I get to the next session, HE told me that he had to terminate this relationship. I was confused, I said, I thought I was the one who said this last week? He said he was nervous coming to this session because he didn't want to tell me that he had to terminate because he felt bad. He told me, "I know that I told you that I would never terminate that it would be up to you. I know I didn't honor this."

So, I go from being enraged with him to enraged with myself, thinking, God, what did I do to this guy? He has been there through thick and thin, and now he is doing what he said he would never do because he could do no other. I feel like a major monstrosity, my shame emanates from me so intensely that it forms a shape around me. It feels like everyone else can see it and that they know it, that I'm a disgrace, and that they abandon me to save themselves from it, but the it isn't my shame, it is ME.

[CantExplain]

((Antimatter)

That sounds awful. I'm really sorry it has come to this.

He told me, "I know that I told you that I would never terminate that it would be up to you. I know I didn't honor this."

That seems clear and final. I've had crises with my T but she never said anything like this.

((Antimatter)

[CantExplain]

I've thought about this a bit more and I realise I am ANGRY.

He owes you a damn good explanation.

[autotelica]

Was this a "I dump you so you can't say you dumped me" kind of thing?

Was he afraid you'd changed your mind?

[here today]

Hmmm. . .shame is just a feeling but if not fully felt -- if resisted -- then it can't be processed and just felt. It becomes/is who you are, as you wrote. Maybe he couldn't get past your resistances. . .and began to wonder if his ethical responsibilities were in conflict with what he had told you earlier? If so, I kind of take back what I wrote on your other thread. . .he finally did the "ethical" thing on his side even though you had already announced it on yours?

It's probably not in your interest to try to contact him and ask -- as you said, he acknowledged his own transference and projection issues so he may unable to answer well.

Just know -- the shame is NOT you. It's just a feeling. An unpleasant, awful feeling many of us make NOT conscious in a variety of ways that we're not conscious of!!!

[marphtwo]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I've seen this T for 7 years and am devastated that it ended like this. I told you a part of the story in my "The Details" post, a part that really upset me.
However, there were good times, there were times when he helped me tremendously, and everything in between, but we always struggled through.
I am so disappointed with him, and I can't say that I've ever felt this way (I've felt angry enraged, etc., but not disappointed). I'm disappointed because after I took the vacation, for the past few months I've felt that he wasn't being honest, or maybe he wasn't being real. I am 99% sure that his therapeutic efforts were to get me to leave, but he told me that this was not so. I felt like I was being manipulated. I told him, I feel like there is a big elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about but I can't put into words what the elephant is.

The session before the final session, I told him that the next session would be the last. So, when I get to the next session, HE told me that he had to terminate this relationship. I was confused, I said, I thought I was the one who said this last week? He said he was nervous coming to this session because he didn't want to tell me that he had to terminate because he felt bad. He told me, "I know that I told you that I would never terminate that it would be up to you. I know I didn't honor this."

So, I go from being enraged with him to enraged with myself, thinking, God, what did I do to this guy? He has been there through thick and thin, and now he is doing what he said he would never do because he could do no other. I feel like a major monstrosity, my shame emanates from me so intensely that it forms a shape around me. It feels like everyone else can see it and that they know it, that I'm a disgrace, and that they abandon me to save themselves from it, but the it isn't my shame, it is ME.

I think that is pretty petty. I think I sense some countertransference in there from that T. I hope you can use that bad move on your ex-T's part to find some anger and find another T that can fulfill you again (if you want one of course). (And sorry I didnt read your other post with the details yet). I feel for you. I think I am about to dump my T, but I dont want to, but I think I need to. I am a little scared.

I think my T is already sensing I am about to dump her, and she is kind of making a similar move. My last session she bucked up, acted all different, and started drawing these new boundaries she didnt have before, projecting onto me that I was forcing her to tell me too much about herself I could totally see her trying to make a "I am terminating you first" move before I get to. lol

[CantExplain]

I'd like to share my own experience, and my own personal view of that. I'm not saying it's relevant to your case, Antimatter, and it may not be helpful. But this is what happened to me.

T and I drifted apart in year 6 or 7. I just wasn't connecting. She felt it too. I tried harder and harder to connect but I just couldn't do it. Maybe I tried too hard, maybe I expected too much. I still don't know.

Anyway, I thought about seeing someone else, and I told her so. "Termination" and "rejection" were very much in the air, although neither of us was saying it.

She was (as we discovered later) very upset, and thought I was already seeing someone else.

At the end of the session she said, "I guess we're done here." I interpreted that to mean she didn't want to see me again.

So I stopped seeing her. I thought she had dumped me. She thought I had dumped her. Yes, things were going badly, but we ended up with a termination neither of us really wanted.

We did eventually get back together again.

What I'm trying to say is that therapists, even good therapists, can get hurt, can misunderstand, can misinterpret, can overreact.

Can any therapist care about a patient and not get some element of counter-transference? I sincerely doubt it. I also don't think it is necessarily a good and sufficient reason to terminate a patient.

[growlycat]

I don't think there is any good reason to do what he did....but just consider that he may be f*'d up on his own. Maybe you remind him of someone. Maybe he is struggling with self doubt as a therapist. You deserve better than a broken T.

[looking4polaris]

So sorry you had to go through this termination after such a long relationship with this T. It sounds very difficult and like your T handled it poorly and defensively.

It seems like it is never much of a surprise to receive bad service from the kid who bags your groceries or the guy you have to call about the car insurance claim, but sometimes I have to remind myself that there are people who are fantastic, mediocre and just plain awful at their jobs in every field from dishwashing to brain surgery.

I'm sure you are in a hard place dealing with the end of this relationship and maybe even feeling like you don't ever want another T relationship, but maybe you can find another T, hopefully better, who can help you recover from this and continue on with your healing. Best wishes

I had a similar situation occur.... I was too much for her, I truly think she had counter transference issue she couldn't deal with. Either way it hurt , but knowmthat you can find a better fit. Who wants to work with someone who doesn't want to work with you. Maybe this T, much like auto said...decided to pull the plug, before you could. Either way good riddance, there are tons of T's out there and chances are good you'll find a better one. Especially now,that you know what you need.

[Chopin99]

Just like I said on your "details" thread, your T sounds like he's losing it. I know it hurts; feel free to vent. If you need anything, PM me. Might get my mind off my own problems.

Antimatter, something similar happened to me. I will comment more after I read your Details thread and have a better understanding about the "details" of your termination.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

... I told him, I feel like there is a big elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about but I can't put into words what the elephant is.

The session before the final session, I told him that the next session would be the last. So, when I get to the next session, HE told me that he had to terminate this relationship. I was confused, I said, I thought I was the one who said this last week? He said he was nervous coming to this session because he didn't want to tell me that he had to terminate because he felt bad. He told me, "I know that I told you that I would never terminate that it would be up to you. I know I didn't honor this."

So, I go from being enraged with him to enraged with myself, thinking, God, what did I do to this guy? He has been there through thick and thin, and now he is doing what he said he would never do because he could do no other. I feel like a major monstrosity, my shame emanates from me so intensely that it forms a shape around me. It feels like everyone else can see it and that they know it, that I'm a disgrace, and that they abandon me to save themselves from it, but the it isn't my shame, it is ME.

Ok, first I want to say I'm sorry this happened to you. There are some similarities to our story so I can relate to much of what you stated here.
I won't go into great detail but you can guess from my name that my termination did not have a positive outcome.

Like you, I also took time off from T. (Six weeks) I was confused by my feelings and wasn't getting the support I needed so, in essence, I was protecting myself. We had several conversations about the "elephant in the room". I KNEW what the elephant was however, he never felt comfortable talking about it. So, we didn't. I wasn't strong enough at the time to recognize my therapy was becoming more about "him" than it was "me".

At some point, he began canceling appointments, so I sent him an email saying I wanted to terminate my therapy. Later that night, I received an email from him stating, "Naturally, he wanted to work through it with me" and we mutually decided to meet for my scheduled session the following day. When I arrived, he terminated me.

It has been a difficult road.

Here is what I KNOW now that I didn't know then....
1. It wasn't my fault.
2. He refused to see his own "bad" parts
3. He had a need to regain control of a situation he felt was out of his control.
4. When I met with him a few months later at the advice of my T, he said his decision to terminate was to "protect" himself---after 5 years of intensive counseling with a team of T's--- Now, I realize it wasn't from me, it was from himself.

Your T sounds very similar. I know it's difficult, especially since you have a long standing relationship with this T. I would gently encourage you to schedule an appointment with another T who can provide some distance to this situation and help you better understand it. These things take time. Be gentle with yourself!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by here today

Hmmm. . .shame is just a feeling but if not fully felt -- if resisted -- then it can't be processed and just felt. It becomes/is who you are, as you wrote. Maybe he couldn't get past your resistances. . .and began to wonder if his ethical responsibilities were in conflict with what he had told you earlier? If so, I kind of take back what I wrote on your other thread. . .he finally did the "ethical" thing on his side even though you had already announced it on yours?

It's probably not in your interest to try to contact him and ask -- as you said, he acknowledged his own transference and projection issues so he may unable to answer well.

Just know -- the shame is NOT you. It's just a feeling. An unpleasant, awful feeling many of us make NOT conscious in a variety of ways that we're not conscious of!!!

I was resistant at the end because my T was acting totally different than he used to act. This part was definitely him, pas moi. Maybe he was unable to reach me because of his resistances, and he thought that his resistances were mine? Who knows? Maybe an alien from outer space took over my therapist and my therapist is now somewhere on a spaceship having tests done? The possibilities are endless. . . Thanks for your post