I am a terrible person and I deserve nothing but pain

.............

Wow! At least you can admit to your own faults. My T says that is very important to realize. Lots of people try to shift the "blame" on to others before they can see their own faults.

Have you told your T all of this? It would be great to print out or email and share if you havent. It's honest and well written, and provides great insights into your issues. It was brave of you to share...and I agree it takes a lot to admit your own faults.

I have told her some, but not all. I am too afraid. I am afraid that she will call CPS or throw me out of her office. I just wish everyone would leave me alone so I could rot in a dark pit. I want to do something about it but I'm a coward.

I deserve for everyone to hate me, but I wish I hadn't posted this. I'm sorry.

Shish,if you regongnize all this about yourself, then why not attempt to change some of it? Hygiene is well within your realm to change , is it because you don't care enough about yourself to do so, are you afraid of caring about your self? I also think there is a correlation between how one feels about themselves and interacts with others. I can't say anything about weed smoking or cutting...I have my own demons, as do most of us. I'm sure this is triggering for many on the boards to hear you say you neglect and hurt your children. By wallowing in your self hatred and depression you are just feeding the beast, your children need you to at least try , I'm sure your fiancé would feel the same. Selfish I don't think is the correct word, self loathing sounds more like it. I can imagine you feel very out of control and that your life in unmanageable ...baby steps...one day at a time. Start with you, if you don't love yourself you can't truly love others. If you are not willing to make the effort for whatever excuses you come up with then at least think of your children, maybe let a family member care for them until you can get it together...many people on here we raised by you and it's not fair to your kids. I grew up on welfare and any other goverment program that allowed my selfish overweight abusive mother to not to work. Being poor is not an excuse for being dirty. If you want to sit around in your despair until you go to far with the SI , that's your choice but the damage you are doing to your kids is unforgivable. It's not enough to regognize the disfunction, it's your job to fix it. What are you teaching your children? Are you being a good role model? God forbid they see you cutting or doing drugs. I'm not sure what you were looking for in this post, but I'm gonna give my 2 cents, because you posted. Head and shoulders, soap, antiseptic facial cleanser. Dentist, I assume your on Medicaid. Overweight? Do something about it, eat healthier , walk , play outside with your children. Take the bull by the horns and change your reality, if not for you, for your kids. Is this how you were raised? I sorry your feeling bad about yourself, I know that feeling...but I also know how it feels when you regain some self respect back and the later outways the first. You don't have to be a victim in your life, I mean obviously you've given up..how's that working for you? Maybe it's time to give up on that victim mentality and take back your life. Baby steps, one day at a time. Do you want your reality to be that of your children 15 years from now? I'm sorry if this is sounding rough and I know it's long. But the only way your going to get better is by saving yourself and that in turn will save your children.

I don't hate you I don't even know you... But I hate the things that your doing to yourself and kids.

I am embarrassed and deeply ashamed.

You're right, they do deserve better than me. I know that. I know.

I don't know why I wanted you all to hate me too, this isn't what I wanted. But I do deserve to hear it.

I think admitting your issues is a good first step. The next step is making a list of the ways you can change these things that you do not like.

You can change these things. Do it for you and your kids. Especially your kids.

Hi Shiskeberry, no matter how bad you think you are, there are worse out there. Glad you posted how you are feeling.

I think I should just leave. I'm never going to stop being disgusting or terrible. They deserve a better mother so I should make sure they are free to find one. I just can't bring up enough energy to change. Some people really are just a waste of oxygen.

No, they deserve a better YOU and you can give them that. I wasn't raised by my mother but on and off as I was passed to others while she was in jail, or chasing a man or we were taken away due to neglect....but the reality is I always wanted HER no matter how badly she treated me. No one can replace a mom, kids are resilient and no matter what you do to them they desperately still just want to be loved by the person who brought them into this world. Step up and be that person, deserve the love they give you ...protect them and teach them, if not for you then for them.

I'm sorry for triggering you, lola.

Might I suggest putting a trigger warning on the thread? Between the parts about your children and the si - there could be difficulty.

And I do love them. I just can't be what they need. But I do love them, so damn much. Otherwise I would feel so guilty.

I'm sorry, I don't know how.

Contact a mod and see if they can put that little target on the title (like I have added here) and then go and add the little target yourself to your first post with the edit button. If you can't add the trigger button to your first post - the type the words trigger warning SI and stuff with children = is my suggestion.
I am fine but it is a sensitive sort of area for people.

Just forget I said anything. I don't want anyone to feel bad. I don't want anyone to hate me.

I know - I don't think you wrote anything on purpose to upset others, I was just suggesting the trigger warning stuff so as to keep upsettedness down if possible.

For one, I don't hate you. I do feel badly that you're hurting. But I can relate to some of what you're feeling.....the overwhelming hopelessness and the lack of energy to tackle the obstacles.

My T tells me that I need to take action in spite of how I'm feeling. Sometimes I can...other times, I simply cannot scrape up even the most insignificant amount of energy to do anything productive. So I get it.

I, too, am obese and feel unattractive....and there are times (like lately) that I say, what's the sense in trying anymore? I will still be ME at the end. And I'm tired of the let downs.

I do hope that you can find the energy and choose to focus on making some changes. It truly is a choice (the idea of it being a choice made me angry)....

Shish... Im ok...it triggers me in the sense that I can't help you to fix this. You have to help you. All I can do is type.

I ask for a trigger on here. Just because you deleted your initial post, doesn't mean it isn't real or didn't happen. I hope you find the strength to makes some changes, I'm always available for a pm.

Change IS hard. But it's really worth it. Start small. Make a list of the things you don't like. Then make a list of the ways you could change those things. Then pick ONE thing and work on it until it becomes habit.

Please, please believe me, I'm not like this everyday. Everything I said was true, but it isn't the whole picture. I don't do all these things all the time. Yes, I am obese, but in the past year I lost 70lb of that and I quit smoking nine months ago. The weed is only when they are sleeping and occasionally I take some vicodin. I'm not doing heavy drugs and it's not even every week, let alone every day. I tell them I love them everyday, I am affectionate with them. I clean my house, I do the laundry, I make dinner every night. Just last night we went to the county fair. We have conversations and sometimes play games and I do bathe them when they are dirty. Please don't hate me too badly, even though I have no right to ask for mercy. I'm so damn sorry.