Horrible Session

Just a complete waste of time. I couldn't even understand anything T was trying to say to me. I couldn't bring up any of the stuff I wanted too. I'm starting two new big things in my life today, so T says it is understandable that I might not have any emotional energy.

I left feeling worthless. Like T doesn't care....or that I can't tolerate the stunted caring that she might have.

I'm supposed to go to this event in an hour, but ...god, I do not want to.

T said there's no way to get rid of the emails from my file. They have to continue to exist. The emails (which I didn't know would be kept on file) that I thought T asked for cuz she cared as a person. The emails that I sent...which to me was acknowledging the personal dynamic....and they just go in a file...because therapy is professional she says.

What the hell is the point in anything? I don't want to do grad school. I don't want to work. I don't want to ever see T again.

I'm sorry you are feeling like you aren't getting enough out of your therapy...

as for your t having your emails, she has to, whether either of you want to or not. She most likely saves EVERYTHING- phone call (date, time, etc.), texts, emails, written things she has been given, your progress reports, etc. Legally, you should be able to have access to your own file, but you can't ever "get rid" of em. Sorry...

Everyone has an "off" day. by talking about it with your t, and thinking it over, sometimes we get the most out of it than we thought. I would get a restful night sleep and then address it with her at your next sesion. Hang in there!

Sorry you're in this place, emotionally. I can relate, at times. I do hope you go to the event tonight - or do something to help recharge your battery. It's hard to hang onto hope, sometimes....(( HUGS ))

My T cared about me right from the beginning, but it took me many years to see that.

When I was angry or depressed I was unable to see the love that was all around me.

So this issue started for you when she explained about your emails?

I was already feeling anxious going into the session, so I don't know if it would have gone well no matter what, but the emails was one thing I wanted to bring up, and it was completely unproductive after that. She said last week that she could take the emails out of the file and put a not that I requested them out. I thought that meant that they could be destroyed, but she said today that I misunderstood. I would have to hold onto them or she would have to hold on to them.

Well them give her the note and you "hold" on to them in the bottom of a box im sure you will lose. ?

lol. Yeah. I thought about that. I mean she probably still has the emails in her inbox. I doubt she deleted them.

sigh. I didn't go to the reception tonight. Maybe I should have pushed myself more.

Is it too late to go now? Fashionably late?

No. It is over. I have to go to my grad class now. Idk. It was just too much pressure to be social. I couldn't handle it.

ok..well go to Grad class, we will be here for you when you return.... i understand...its not always easy being social after T

What does this email issue mean to you?

I'm not sure I quite understand your question. I guess it is just another in a long line of examples as to why the therapy relationship is one of the most complicated things I've ever encountered. And I'm just not sure I can tolerate that. Everytime I think I've gotten to a place where I'm secure in the fact that my T cares about me as a person, something like this comes up. T would probably say I go looking for these things. Idk. I'd be willing to bet a lot of people would have the same confused, hurt reaction I am having.

this startled me...I asked my T if she puts my emails in my file and she said no. Lucky her or it would be a novel by now. I think it is just personal T preference on how thorough a T's notes are.

Good luck working through this with your T. ::huggs::

She probably only saves the email in her inbox then. Because I think legally, all are obliged to save everything (in case evidence is demanded if there is a legal disagreement)

Boy ain't that the ever-lovin' truth!!!

I get really freaked out when I think of my file...or should I say files (multiple t's). Arg. I think they destroy the file after a certain amount of time though. I hope they do.

No, I think Ts keep the notes they think are important. A lot keep minimal notes. Mine does minimal.

Sorry that I'm not understanding. How does what happened with the email fit into this ^?

I know exactly how you feel with this. When I realized that this would happen it sent me into a tailspin thinking about all of the things I have told T in emails. I cringe. What helped me with this was knowing that it's likely no one will ever want to go through and read everything I have written him. The file part of it is a professional formality, but that doesn't mean the caring is.

It is understandable that with two new things happening you would be overwhelmed and feeling emotionally drained. I hope you went to your event.

My T has been talking to me about rather or not I have the ability to see when people care about me, because I have been making the wrong assumption, that he doesn't care when things happen that I don't understand or when he hasn't responded immediately or in the way that I wanted.

I didn't want him to be right about this, but I'm starting to see that he is.

This is so true.....

I dunno about America but in Australia they destroy the file after 7 years of inactivity. The 7 years thing is because after 7 years they can't be used in court (this also goes for other types of documents too, not just T files).

Maybe you hold onto it? If it was me I would put it somewhere and conveniently forget about it haha.

It came about because I was leaving for a 5 month trip. T had said I could/encouraged me to email her while I was away. Said my typical behavior was distanced and I could email as much as I wanted. At this time, I was very removed/cool with regard to the therapy relationship (most of the time). Very independent. Had such a hard time believing T cared or even liked me.

I thought T wanted emails regarding my mental health status and whatnot. But it came out during our last session that (she said) she would want to know what I'm doing/seeing. Said I was important to her as a person.

So...this was a big decision for me. I hate being vulnerable, and this felt really vulnerable. I had to trust that T actually wanted to hear from me because she was interested in me and not as some manipulation (although I knew in the big picture it also served as a therapy tactic). I had to trust that I wasn't making a fool out of myself by telling someone what I did in this or that city when they really couldn't give a rat's *****.

It's also an acknowledgment that T matters to me too.

So...to me...I did all this, and then it all just ends up in a file. And when I express dislike for that...T says that's just how things are. Therapy is professional. When to me, this whole e-mail things was about therapy being a personal things between T and client.

Just because it is in your file DOESN'T mean that she wasn't interested in what you had to say. You didn't make a fool of yourself just because she put the emails in your file.

Now I'm understanding. I think that you need to talk more to your T about what all of this means to you. I'll bet she has no idea.

It doesn't just end up in a file, any more than the things you share in person do. It's also in your T's mind and heart.