Anger and jealousy in my session today

Really? I love discussing literature, movies and their affect on me. I think everyone knew she wouldn't be included except Frankie! After all, it IS fiction and the plot wasn't realistic. But the feelings were! She loved her brother and wanted to be part of his life. Maybe the Southern lifestyle was different; this was a different time period too. I don't think Frankie had many friends either. She wanted life to go on as it had before--so sad, and so touching.

Now if you saw the Hayley Mills movie Tiger Bay, you'll be my friend forever. Similar situation, which I discussed with my T. If you didn't see it, I'll post about it. It's my thread, and I'm allowed to hijack!

rainbow, it seems your adult self doesn't seem to know why you act as you do at times. at these times maybe asking your child self that is acting out when she first got angry or what happened in the past to make her so angry, etc. would shed some light.

Wait a moment...being single hurts like hell?

Really?

Why?

Blur, that's a good idea, something my T might say. Just ask her! The problem is that I will probably answer "I don't know" but I can try. For now, when I ask her--closing my eyes right here and now and ask her why she's angry with T and her H, she says: "T is very important to me. HE gets in the way. I don't want him here." I feel that build up of anger when I type that. Then I feel ashamed. I don't remember a real life situation like that.

Do you think you could start a new thread (it might be interesting) about this topic? It really isn't relevant to my thread. It would have to be related to therapy if it's a new thread, though. Thank you.

I hope you guys don't think it's rude to ask. Setso may not even be reading here any more.

i think the questions you ask your inner child need to be about not your T and her H but about when and why your inner child first became angry and jealous in your life. what specifically happened in your past? when? when did she first appear? etc.

It does seem like yet another attempt to control other people. Particularly from someone who complains when her threads drop to the second page.
You probably can't have it both ways - active threads tend to go off on tangents.

i find this very interesting. you mention that you "know" your T because she mentioned some similar things that you both enjoy. but what you know is her in "T-mode," not the person that she is fully. her life could be completely different than what you picture... and what small parts she chooses to share.

but you also think you "know" her husband from looking at social media. that is interesting too.

your T is in a relationship with her husband..so something connects them. maybe she is wild and immature. maybe she and her husband ride motorcycles to biker bars and listen to rock music while dancing the night away. maybe they play bridge at church. maybe they are swingers. maybe they smoke pot. maybe .....

you see, you only see her in "T-mode" ... there is much more to people then the confines of a job personna. for example, i work at a restaurant. i would not tell my boss that i frequently show up hungover, because that would not be helpful in our relationship. he would question whether i was reliable. my job personna is different than other parts of my life.

the things she shares are things that can connect and enhance the thereupetic relationship. if she told you she did bar dancing on the weekends at a biker bar, that is not very connecting for you, right?

have you given thought to why you need to give certain attributes to people? good luck.

Hey rainbow I just wanna say that I did think this was a little rude. MCL is a very supportive person and all she did was question a comment made on the thread. ( one made by someone who obviously doesn't know you that well may I add ) It went no farther then that. Had it turned into a total hijack or a series of debates amoung the 2 then by all means call them out. We get the threads about you, but sometimes when a comment is made that is so broad in assumption that it hurts other people, one can't help to respond with a WTH? There would be no need to start a thread specifically aimed at a person to ask a question about a response from another thread. All I'm saying is there typically is a little wiggle room in a thread for a flow of conversation and I would hate to think that if someone said something that upset you in a thread that the original OP would call you out for questioning it. Again , no malice intended.

Okay. You win. It just seemed like such a stretch to start talking about being single. Is "don't hijack a thread" something of the past? Seriously, I guess it is. I will accept that I made a mistake again, by being inconsiderate.

Good insight Rainbow.

Thank you.
I know a lot about how my T is in RL because she told me. I know her hobbies and interests. She talks about them and they are in evidence in the office. She's genuine. I know her religion. I know her background. She's open about it. I can't prove it but I know I'm correct. I would feel very upset if I discovered that she did bar dancing or rode motorcycles to biker bars or whatever you said. I relate to her because she does not do those kinds of things. She said we have a good fit.

I like when people are more like me than different. Of course everyone is different; I'm different from my friends! But I know I couldn't work well with a T who I couldn't relate to; it's always something I considered while in therapy. I'm not wording this well; I'm tired. I know I'm defensive when I don't agree but I have to be honest in what I believe.

The poster said all single people are lonely and hurting, which I agree had nothing to do with your question. But it never went any farther then that. IMHO , we are still not supposed to jack threads. But a question regarding an offensive statement to all happy single people is a stretch to call a hijack. I always assume its little you that gets upset over these things.

I don't remember what specifically happened except what I've posted about. That's the problem! I suppose the earliest was when I wasn't in the family movies. I posted that. But maybe I saw my parents together in the bedroom and it affected me. See, I don't KNOW and have no feeling that anything like that happened. I only remember being jealous when I was about 9 or 10 and the kids in my new school were mean to me. I didn't feel angry; just left out socially. I felt angry when my brother hit me, and scared when he lit matches and threw them at me. With my T, it's about her H coming between her and me. Transference would make that about my Dad coming between my Mom and me, wouldn't it? Them together, leaving me out, being afraid of them not loving me. But I don't remember having those feelings. The child part just feels like she wants the attention. She doesn't remember feeling rejected until age 9 or 10.

I can't figure it out at all. I give up. It's probably something wrong with my brain and I just have to live with it.

It seems like you want T all for yourself. People can love more then one person, did you come across something contradictory to that as a child?

You had some insight today. This is good. Rome wasn't built in a day. You will eventually figure this out especially if you take your insights back to therapy and share them with T.

Okay, reality check - this is not "being playmates" - this is "being abused".

No, I don't think so. I guess I never feel like I get enough love and attention. People here call that "controlling" but I don't mean to be. I felt invisible a lot as a kid. I do wish I had T all to myself. My parents had time for my brother and me so I don't know what the problem was, why I want to be loved so badly that it hurts. I wish I wouldn't want my T that way. I don't want to make enemies here. I'm more honest here than in RL but I'm learning it's not so good to be honest. Maybe I should only be honest in my session, not here. Or only in PM's. I'd better go to sleep. Sometimes this forum is too triggering and it hurts more than helps. I'm sorry I'm taking up so much of your time, Lola. I'm better off away from here.

Sleep well Rainbow....you didn't force me to post on your thread, I choose to, so you are taking up none of my time that I was not willing to give.

Sigh. Yeah, my brother issues bordered on abuse or maybe they were. My T thinks so. We were both. oops, I need that trigger icon this time so I don't goof up again!!! I put it on I think. There it is on top.

TRIGGER!!!!!! SEXUAL CONTENT, AND ABUSE WITH MATCHES



My brother and I played normal games most of the time but he also wanted me to touch him sexually. I just thought he was a pest but that it was no big deal so I did it. Just touching him. That's all. I didn't like it but he was 5 years older so he won. I posted about this before but it was before you got "on board" hankster. My Ts were divided on whether it was experimentation or abuse.

I know it was abuse when he locked me in the closet and threw lit matches at me as a joke. They burned out before they got to me, or he blew them out. He didn't really want to hurt me, but that's how I became afraid of fire and matches. T and I talked about this, and did EMDR about lighting matches, which actually worked somewhat. I asked him, as an adult, why he did it, but I forgot what he said! He said he loved me! Strange way to show it. He has issues as an adult. Anger and depression--untreated or self-treated I should say.

okay, but you're sounding unemotional here talking about it, and I see it linking back to - why didn't your mother or father protect you? you were "left out" of the caring circle of the family. I see T's H representing your brother and intruding on your sense of safety with T - you think he is bad, loose, unsafe. it's not your brother's issue to me - it's yours.

I guess I'm not going to sleep yet. I sort of knew you'd reply, hankster. Thank you very, very much. I always sound unemotional talking about what my brother did. He was just a "pest" to me but he taught me to read and write, and we played monopoly for hours when we were kids. And we laughed and laughed and had great fun!! We got along as adults too.

I never told my parents about the touching but I did about the matches. He did that when they weren't home. He got punished a lot. T's H as my brother? Hmm. Could be. He's unsafe and making it seem like I can't trust her to be safe with. My parents didn't make the world safe for me. That I know. I also told my T yesterday that I didn't know if I trust her because of the way her H is. Hmm. I loved my brother but couldn't feel safe with him being stronger than me, and able to hurt me. My T always says a lot of my problems are because of my brother, and I usually try to deny that.

One more comment. When I hold my T's hand I feel safe. It's never triggering, only safe. She knows that and it's why she still lets me do it. I feel safer than anywhere else when I hold her hand and when I'm with her. I think the little parts didn't get that safety and that's why they crave it. My poem, The Blanket of Love, written after holding T's hand the first few times, was about how I felt. The world was hardly ever safe for me. I don't mean that I lived in a dangerous neighborhood, but it wasn't emotionally safe. I couldn't talk for some reason, and being afraid was probably most of the reason. So, maybe hankster, you're right. T's H is a threat to my safety with T. It fits--not exactly, but may be a piece of the puzzle.

Seems to me that it's the smart child who tests the waters of disclose by starting "small" first. I think that if I had been in your shoes and I told about the matches and the result was that someone I very much loved was punished, I probably wouldn't tell again.

It seems very spot on to me to link your T's H issue to emotional safety, and understanding that your family growing up wasn't emotionally safe for you-- maybe partly because whatever was going on was also the same reason why your brother did these things to you and it wasn't safe to tell either.

I do wonder, though, whether it also might be useful to you to think about (probably once again) the ways that your current family (your H primarily, but there might be similar dynamics with your grown children) does not make you feel emotionally safe. From what you've written about your H, some of the things he says, from being dismissive about your therapy to demeaning you at times, might replicate that feeling of a lack of emotional safety that you grew up with. And that would just be really common, not only for someone with maybe-abuse history, but for any dysfunctional dynamic. We tend to choose people who feel familiar (and ironically, safe), but as we get healthier we realize that the opposite may in fact be true. I'm not saying that you made a bad choice or that you have to consider divorce, but rather than it might be useful for you to explore the ways that you currently don't feel emotionally safe, and think about ways to communicate with your H (and your T of course can help with strategies) to try to get your needs for emotional safety met.

But maybe this helps explain a bit why T and therapy are so important to you-- if you don't feel a sense of emotional safety much in your daily life, then you need that in T and through therapy. And T's H-- maybe if I follow the "logic" from the emotional safety point of view-- maybe you need to know if T is emotionally safe in her marriage. You love and care for her, and maybe it would make you angry to even consider that she might not be. Or maybe the sense of jealousy comes from imagining that she has the emotional safety at home that you really crave.

For me, I have made the most progress when I connect my past to my present. There are almost always links for me between something that was present in my FOO (family of origin) and something that goes on in my own marriage. Sometimes it isn't even remotely the same thing, but it is symbolic or about the way I emotionally react to it.

Rainbow:

You are doing it again.

All I can say is that those needs might always be with you to some degree. You can't have your therapist in the way you want to. Talking about her husband has nothing positive for you. It will only add to your obsession with your T and her life. You are the only one who can stop wanting info, thinking about your T in a sexual/love way, and start working on yourself (with nothing to do with your T). You know you have talked to all your therapists about your past and your brother.

If you ever want to be free you will have to take the chance and get close to those around you, especially your husband who isn't that exciting to you. Maybe if you try to slowly get emotionally and physically closer to him you will feel more satisfied. Work on THAT with your therapist! I challenge you.

Regards!