[autotelica]

...as they are wont to do when they are LOUD and REPETITIVE.

When it gets like this, I start feeling hopeless and start thinking about contacting my therapist.

I could call her. But as much as I like my therapist, she's not her usual helpful self on the phone. She turns into Awkward Old Lady on the phone. And I always feel like I'm calling her while she's dining out at a fancy restaurant. She's a fancy restaurant type of person.

I could email her, but she will just say "Sorry to hear you are in such pain. Have you taken the meds yet?!" Just like that, with the accusatory exclamation and the question marks.

And I will say, "Yes. I took the first pill last night."

And she will reply, "You go girl!" Maybe she will tell me to drink some warm milk and go to bed. Which I will not do because my brain is way too noisy to pretend that I will be able to go to sleep just like that. But I will say "OK, I will try that. Thanks so much."

So it seems like reaching out to her is pointless. Besides, I'm not suicidal or head-bangy. I just feel mentally ill right now. I need to learn how to tough it out without making a big deal about it, like millions of other people do.

Ugh. I hate having Legion in my brain.

[Sannah]

Is there anything that you can do to distract yourself? When this happens do you feel constricted and like the walls are closing in?

[autotelica]

When I feel like this, I feel like I don't exist apart from my thoughts. The thoughts consume me. I don't feel any emotions or have any concerns about the external world. My consciousness is entrained by them.

Yoga today was hard. It is a restoratives class--which is easy-peasy stuff for everyone in the world. Except for me. I writhe on the floor because I can't clear my head of the swirling pixels of thought. I devote all of my energy to inhibiting my vocalizations, so I have nothing left towards keeping my hands from curling up or my legs from scissoring. The instructor always weighs me down with sandbags. But today they weren't enough. I should have stayed home. I could have been crazy at home.

[Fixated]

auto, i am in almost the exact same boat right this instant except that I don't think my t's response would be nearly as nice as yours. idk what to say, but you are not alone.

[Sannah]

So physical stuff can't break it?

[autotelica]

I am painting furiously right now (and dropping paint on my keyboard). It seems to be helping a little. As long as I keep on moving, maybe my brain won't explode.

[mixedup_emotions]

I totally understand the repetitive noise that keeps you from functioning....It's an awful place to be. I'm glad the painting is helping a little. I hope this wave passes quickly for you....(( HUGS ))

Hope the painting helps, and that the picture isn't too bleak looking...

[Wren_]

in similar situations, my T has suggested giving my mind something else to focus on; hard work though when our thoughts don't want to break free and when like you've said you've already got the painting going on ... maybe the painting isn't enough though mentally to break through? is there anything you could do that would involve your mind more that isn't focused on what your head is currently chattering about? i've been playing lots of word games lately to try and distract my head a bit

Originally Posted by autotelica

I am painting furiously right now (and dropping paint on my keyboard). It seems to be helping a little. As long as I keep on moving, maybe my brain won't explode.

What are you painting?

I was thinking of trying to paint....

I hope it ends up working to make you feel better.

[adel34]

Hi Auto,
Sorry you're in a hard place right now.
Good for you about the painting. Just be careful near your keyboard. If you accidentally wreck your computer your mind will have something new to chatter about! Trust me, I thought I was stressed before I got a virus/ my computer crashed twice, then once that happened everything in my head just multiplied like ten times!
Hope you feel better.