Why is my therapist obsessed with my mother?

I have been in psychotherapy for three months, now. The first two months have been all right, but the last one has been challenging.

My therapist loves to discuss my relationship with my mother. I haven’t exactly been very receptive, because I have no idea what she is after. Usually, I answer her questions with, “I don’t know.” I can’t give her anymore than that, since I have never really considered how this relationship has impacted my life, before. Argh! It’s making me feel very vulnerable and anxious.

Why is she exploring this?

In the beginning we worked on communication, since I struggle with it. My autism spectrum disorder makes relating to others hard so I have been motivated to work on it. Is my therapist trying to connect this problem to my relationship with my mother?

I wish she wasn't so obsessed.

I think it's maybe just par for the therapy course? Your relationship with you primary care giver (usually mum) as a baby and growing up can greatly impact how you relate to others, and how you form relationships and attachments. My therapist asked a lot about my mum, from quite early on in therapy, and I didn't always see the significance at the time.

I expect the therapist is interested in your relationship with your mother because for better or worse, our mothers are the primary influence in our overall development, and what they did or didn't do - the good, the bad, the eveything else in between - impacts us greatly for the rest of our lives.

With that being said, though, the exploration of your relationship with your mother needs to go at a pace that's comfortable for you.

However, if the therapist feels you are stalling and that it's hindering your therapeutic process, she will get a little bit pushy ... That's her job!

But, the good news is you can express to her that it's making you uncomfortable and why you aren't ready to go there just yet and y'all can figure out a pace that works for you.

For the longest time, my therapist made a huge deal about my parents and family dynamics. How they ignored me, how my father was too strict, how my mother was never around, how I always played second fiddle to my twin. And all of it is 100% true.

But eventually--actually not that long ago--she realized that my problems are independent of my upbringing. Maybe if my parents had actually been paying attention to me, they would have noticed that I wasn't quite with the program and gotten me some early intervention. But they didn't cause the problems, nor did they make them worse. If anything, they kind of made me the tough, no-nonsense person that I am.

Your therapist may be trying to figure out if your mother may have made things worse for you. While it is true you come by your issues "naturally", your environment could have caused you to graft additional problems on top of them. Mother is a part of the environment, so it's natural your therapist would go down this lane.

It sounds like you'd rather talk about something else. You can always tell her that you're kind of burnt-out on the mother business and direct the conversation to something else. Like something you are dealing with in the here-and-now. Or ask her questions about everything in the universe, like I do with my therapist. This is my way of connecting--one that I can't easily implement in the real world without feel like a weirdo. I've been visiting her for almost five years and she hasn't told me to stop yet. And I get to learn so much!

A lot of my problems come from not being identified as ‘autistic’ in childhood and the consequences of it. My doctor acknowledges this. She obviously wants to know more.

My mother has always been good to me. I have never doubted that she cared. When I was a child, I bonded and felt close to her. It was years later when I learned just how different I was that I felt wronged by her, so I guess this has affected me a lot more than I realize.

I am going to ask my therapist not to be so pushy on the issue. It is frustrating, because I have difficulties with comprehending and even identifying my feelings. I don't quite know what to make of it.

Thank you for all the help.

As you continue, you may have more words for your early experiences that will replace the "I don't know", and will be a marker of progress, learning.

We come to 'be' in that relationship with our mother or primary caregiver, so it is important to explore what that was like. It gives us valuable insight into who we are now and what our drives and fears and dreams and many other things are. It helps us explore how we communicate now, what our expectations and worries are in those communications and interactions with others.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable - including not knowing 'what she is after' - is part of therapy. By the same token, you can ask her directly 'what she is after' and why she focuses on what your relationship with your mother was and is like. Asking her may bring you relief and reassurance that will allow you to explore with her rather than resist.

if okay

If you feel wronged by your mother, you need to discuss that and work that through; it is unusual to feel good about one's mother then suddenly (after what you feel was your correct diagnosis) feel badly about her. Your mother did not change, something in you and how you perceive her did. You need to understand that to move on to dealing with your current situations.

I notice if I say "I don't know" that's a topic is stayed on. T tries to find wording that can stick enough that I understand what she's asking. Please instead of saying "I don't know" ask for clarification.

Your therapist is probably still trying to figure out just how connected you are to your feelings and thoughts. It will take her to some to learn how to ask questions so that you can answer them.

My therapist took awhile. She knows not to ask me "How are you feeling?" kinds of questions. And it also took her to some time to realize my "I don't know's" are not a sign of repression or reluctance to speak. Therapists, I think, are so used to working with clients that are repressed that they don't know what to make of someone who is naturally alexithymic. So when you say "I don't know", you need to let her know that you really don't know.

Very good point about "I don't know" meaning exactly that! I have tried to use "I don't know" only when I don't, and for other times when I might use that phrase as to mean something else, like I'm a bit confused, or I'm reluctant to state 'this', then I try to use something else, like a draw out "Welllll" instead. Because yes, "I don't know" certainly can mean just that!

I felt like my T was obsessed with my mom for awhile too. Then I realized how much my relationship with my mom affects so many aspects of my life.

I resisted, but then I understood.

Didgee, I can't help but wonder if your T isn't onto something, because the things we really need to work on usually are out of our comfort zone.

I think you are getting this confused with another one of my threads on misdiagnosis. In this one, I am strictly discussing my therapy.

Something happened when I was 13 so that explains the sudden change. My therapist is aware of this incident.

I am not sure what my diagnosis has to do with this, because psychiatry came into my life years after that traumatic event. My mother did not cause the adverse reactions I had to some SSRIs.

I found t1 went through a period of focusing obsessively on my mother ... then he overcame it and went on to other things in time and only touches on her occasionally; worth talking to your T about though

Wow, this is accurate. I never thought of it in this way. Thanks for pointing this out. My therapist is very aware of my cognitive style and my slow or careful processing. Sometimes, she seems to forget.

When I say, “I don’t know” I mean it. If I don’t feel comfortable or don’t want to answer a question, I will say it.

I will mention all this in the letter I am writing.

Re my mother; she is probably on to something. If I were to guess, it probably has to do with relationships. It is a lot to think about.

Thanks