Gay/lesbian Ts

My first T was a lesbian. A friend of mine recommended her to me for that reason and also that she had heard she was good. It didn't make a difference in my therapy. However, I have never talked to any of my Ts about sex. I've never had a sexual problem. Most of my Ts have been heterosexual. Maybe if my T was het...then I might discover a difference. It has come to my mind a few times and I know I would be embarassed. Although, giving it some thought, some het.. women would be embarassed too. Oh, my my. I haven't had sex in a long time this thread is bringing back some wild memories.

I don't think a T has to share my characteristics in order for me to connect with him or her and for therapy to be effective. A T doesn't have to be bipolar to understand how bipolar can affect people; he doesn't have to have experienced depression to treat my depression; she doesn't need to have been traumatized to successfully treat PTSD, and I don't believe a T has to share my sexual orientation to successfully develop a therapeutic relationship with me.

There are always going to be things you need to explain to your T, because unless your T is one of your siblings, you're bound to have different traditions, customs, slang, etc because of how you grew up and how you've lived.

Trigger: Mention of sex

I am going through this issue right now. I have had random drunk sex with women, but recently one of my close friends and I have started becoming sexually involved, and I do have feelings for her.

I am struggling with things like internalized homophobia (my parents are extremely homophobic) and just being in a serious romantic relationship with a woman, which is something my friend and I have talked about. It is also hard, I think, because we live in a very "straight" world; most movies are about straight couples, ads feature straight couples, etc. So there are a lot fewer examples of gay relationships/sex, and so I feel like a lot of times I have to sort of figure it out on my own. Plus, just little things, like if we start dating, do I call her "my partner" or "my girlfriend," etc. Maybe it sounds silly, but despite having sex with women (not a big deal), being in a relationship w/ a woman is different.

ANYWAYS, I am almost 100% positive my T is straight. And she is really, really great about being understanding, and has not said any of the awful things some of your other Ts have said about being gay/bi. But no matter how understanding/great she is, there are certain things you can't really understand without it happening to you. Sometimes I do think it would be nice to have a lesbian T, who would be able to say "Oh, yeah I know what you mean." And then give me some advice about it and relate to what I am saying.
For example, in graduate school I focused a lot on critical race theory. I logically understood racism, but it wasn't until I started dating a black guy and we would get looks on the street/people saying ****, that I really "got" it. And, I will never be able to completely "get" racism, as I am white, but it made me be a lot more aware of it.
And I feel like sometimes I have to explain things a little to her, like I told her that having sex with a woman was more intimate, and she can sympathize that I feel that way, but does she really "get" it? I would not change my T for anything, but it is something I think about. And for example, what I said about there not being that many examples of LGBT love in the mainstream, I feel like I will have to explain that to her, which is fine, but it would be nice to have a T that says "Oh yeah, I know what you mean."

I feel the same, after a year and a half of therapy with t1 on our closing session she said I hope you can find someone to walk down the street with and hold hands and bring her home to your parents! It was like she hadn't been listening to a word I had said! She knows my parents are homophobic and here in this country if I walked down the street holding hands we would be shot

Healingchild, whats stopping you?? Get out there and have some wild sex lol... its the best therapy

Button30. Have you thought about moving to some place where a lesbian relationship would be safer?

Franki J. I have not opened myself up enough to a therapist to have that attachment yet, but wouldn't that intimacy give a straight T some understanding of what it is like to have a lesbian style deep intimate relationship?

Perhaps she did not mean it as literally as you took it. It is a nice sentiment and showed she was hoping you found someone to share your life with if that is what you seek.

You mean, the intimacy I feel with me T is akin to the emotional intimacy I would feel in a lesbian relationship? If that is what you mean, I don't think so. I do feel like our relationship is very intimate, but not on a sexual level, nor do I want it to be, as our relationship is more like mother-daughter.

Excluding the sexual part.

But the intimacy in the T relationship is one-sided; that's quite different from the kind of two-way intimacy you experience in a lesbian relationship.

The one-sidedness of a T relationship is not so clear as I once assumed.
The two-sidedness of real-life relationships is not so clear, either.

Well I understand the one sided t relationship, they are giving you their undivided attention and you are giving them no attention!

You are right stop dog it was nice and her heart is in the right place! Before our closing session I sent her am email telling her I had feelings for her and during our closing session she was so nice she said she knows our therapy had worked because I am able to know find a healthy relationship, I said I hoped I found someone like you in the future!

This is what my t said, that our t relationship has shown me what a healthy relationship looks like and this is what I should look for in a partner

One side of a healthy relationship.

:-o is there such a thing as a two sided relationship, I mean really?

Yes, there is such a thing as a two sided or two-way relationship. In order to have healthy relationships with friends, family members, and Significant others, they should all be two-way relationships. That's how mine are. And, if I recognize that I'm in a relationship that's becoming increasingly one-way, then I talk to the person to see if the relationship can be salvaged and, if not, then I end it. I'm emotionally healthy so I only choose to be in close RL relationships with others who are also emotionally healthy and have the ability to give as well as take in a relationship. Otherwiise, the relationship can become detrimental to both of us.

Well said Scorposis. You certainly know what you want.
I have only been in unhealthy relationships where everything is one sided; I give and they take. So I am looking forward to the day when everything is equal. I am glad I figured this out in therapy before I got into another unhealthy relationship.

OK. Like I stated earlier "I have not opened myself up enough to a therapist to have that attachment". From reading the posts here I was getting the impression that the T/client relationship would be intimate for the T too.

I don't think therapists are icy cold spectators in the therapeutic relationship. I do think they have to feel some tenderness towards their clients.

But I think the therapist is always going to live more in the client's head and heart than vice versa. The relationship is always going to be more intense and intimate for the client than it will for the therapist.

So it may be "two-way", but the two ways are not equivalent.

Yes, I think this is the answer.