I saw my T today. It had been about two months since I last saw him, and I really only went in today because he had requested that I come in after school got started just to check in--no particular issue going on. I was telling him about my appointment with my pdoc last week. Pdoc is very pleased with how well I'm doing, but admits he's scratching his head a bit about what has changed to give me such stability after so many years of mental chaos.

T said, "I'm not scratching my head. I know what it is. You decided finally to be well."

I know he's not saying I was choosing to be unwell all these years. That wasn't what he meant at all. I was truly very ill, medically unstable, frequently hospitalized, etc. for quite a few years there. But I think he may have a point that about six months ago or so, I do think I reached a spot where I said enough is enough. My attitude about wellness became a bigger focus in my life than my focus on illness at that point. My pdoc and my T had finally gotten me far enough along the path to stability that I reached a place where I truly was able to make a choice as to where I wanted my focus to be, and I chose wellness.

I couldn't have done that even a year ago. I wasn't stable enough yet at that point; I hadn't reached that crossroad at that point. I was still wandering around in the wilderness trying to just find the path. But somewhere a bit over 6 months ago, I did reach that crossroad and fortunately I recognized it and I seem to have headed down the path toward wellness finally.

So I guess I just want to share a little hope with you. That perhaps just keep working through whatever you are working on. Just keep fighting through each crisis because they are temporary even when they don't feel like it at the time. At some point down the road (and yes, it might be a really long road -- mine was), be ready and willing to recognize when you've hit that crossroad where you can finally freely and with strength of mind choose wellness (and finally actually really see it; it is really amazing when you can finally actually see it).

[Focus62]

Thanks for your post Chris. It gives me hope

[rainbow_rose]

thank you

[Wren_]

Hi Chris, my mind is running in several directions with this concept. The other day someone told me something similar in response to grief; that it would stop being hard when I wanted it to stop. It didn't help me at the time. Reading what you wrote; it sort of fits with some thoughts I've had not that I've arrived but that I want to be in a place where it is OK truly OK to heal. So that idea of that you were ready at the six months ago mark makes sense in light of you did all the work, got through all the stuff you had to go through and got to a place where it was ok to be ok. It's ... encouraging knowing you reached it

Thank you for sharing that!!

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Hi Chris, my mind is running in several directions with this concept. The other day someone told me something similar in response to grief; that it would stop being hard when I wanted it to stop. It didn't help me at the time. Reading what you wrote; it sort of fits with some thoughts I've had not that I've arrived but that I want to be in a place where it is OK truly OK to heal. So that idea of that you were ready at the six months ago mark makes sense in light of you did all the work, got through all the stuff you had to go through and got to a place where it was ok to be ok. It's ... encouraging knowing you reached it

Yeah, I hope I was clear enough that I'm not saying, nor was my T saying, that you just have to choose and all will be well. I don't believe that for a minute.

But the time can come down the line when you really are ready to take that kind of control and are able to really make that choice. The trick is being ready and willing to actually recognize it when it finally happens and act on it.

[delicatefade26]

Thank you for sharing this : )

[LotusBloom]

That is wonderful, thanks for sharing

[Wren_]

Yeah, I hope I was clear enough that I'm not saying, nor was my T saying, that you just have to choose and all will be well. I don't believe that for a minute.

But the time can come down the line when you really are ready to take that kind of control and are able to really make that choice. The trick is being ready and willing to actually recognize it when it finally happens and act on it.

some people do seem to think it just takes that choice ... you made it clear what you and T were meaning though which is really helpful

[~EnlightenMe~]

Thank you for posting this! It give me a little hope.

[eskielover]

I definitely agree & understand exactly what you are saying. I was in such a bad place in the 90's that I basically needed all the support & all the hospitalizations that I ended up having......just like when my mother was dying 8 years ago & I went through the trauma from the home care person & ended up in the medical hospital in & out for a couple of months just at the time my mother was dying & weeks after......I needed the care that I was getting because I was unable to care for myself & the H who I had been married to for so many years looking back was a serious part of the problem.

I had so many bad side effects that effected my physical health & migraines that I ended up in the ER with almost weekly.....but in 2003, they finally put me on the dose of pain meds that took care of that & that was a start of being able to function a little & even with the trauma happening after that & messing me up so bad, a few years after that, I made the decision to leave.....to move 2100 miles away where I didn't know anyone & I had no family left anyway other than my daughter & I didn't want to live where she moved to....so I picked my own place. I had the fear after all I had gone through & all the times I had been in & out of the hospital both psych & medical & dealing with anorexia.....that I didn't know if I could care for myself.....6 months of being completely on my own successfully & even feeling better than I ever had felt all the time in my marriage.....definitely was my deciding point.

I still get triggers when fall feel in the air hits.....but as the years pass, the PTSD seems to decrease more & more......anorexia is in control living along with 5 dogs depending on me to stay healthy is definitely a huge incentive to stay healthy. I do struggle with sleep & eating....but it's nothing like what I allowed to happen when I was living with my stbx.

My DBT therapy makes so much sense now....I am not sure I would have been able to apply it to my life back when I was really struggling. I just started to work on that subject in therapy when the situation with my H esclated over the miles & the decisions & actions & even the filing for divorce came up.

I think it's like you said.....until that certain time comes, you really aren't at the place of choosing wellness & for me, I am sure I needed the care that I was getting even though I don't think I was willing to admit it at the time.

Looking back at the whole society & the wonderful people I am now surrounded by & all the caring people who are in my life though NOT BLOOD RELATIVES......I realize I never had any caring people in my life.....even my mother & father even though they cared, were people I pushed away because I was so embarrassed by them......but I can definitely see the difference in my environment verses when I was constantly in the hospital........I realize it was the care that I was getting was what I was needing & I wasn't able to care for myself or even really understand how even though I had always been very independent......but the decision that I was able to not continue in that same way with my life was a huge realization.

Now with the wonderful new psychologist & the DBT that makes so much sense in my life......it's like that move 2100 miles away was also the start of a new life for me in all ways & able to put the claim back on my own life & my wellness rather than the need for the care that I previously had that tended to keep me in that illness direction with my life.

Definitely like this new life a whole lot more...I can even handle stresses that would have put me in a very bad place before.

Your post is really wonderful......I it helped me see better what has been going on in my own life.

[tooski]

I truly believe that the power of the mind is awesome, and that we have more control over ourselves than we realize. The trick is .... how do we control that power?? I don't know, but your post, Chris, brings this home to me. When you were ready, you were able to choose wellness. Now if we all only knew how to get to this place .... Maybe at some point, we just say, "Enough!!!! I'm tired of suffering! I deserve better than this!!!"

Thanks for posting this. I'm so glad you were able to get to this place. It does give me hope, and that counts for A LOT! Thank you.

Farm girl, yes I think that's true. I'm pleased you are in this place now.

[Anne2.0]

I suspect that before we can get to the point where we can choose wellness, or the wellness path, we have done a heck boatload of work to even begin to be on that path. I think there are lots of little choices that help solidify that we can make choices and that move us further along where we need to be.

It's the "I can't" statements that I say to myself that I really have to dissect. For me, these seem to be less about things that I can't do and more about what I choose not to do. It has helped me to say "I'm choosing not to do [alleged healthier thing and stay stuck in my old ways], but next time, I will have another chance to make this choice, and I will choose differently.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for posting this! I love how you were able to articulate it in a way that didn't minimize or dismiss the places where others are in their journey. I'd imagine that if some of us were to stop what we're doing and make that choice, it would be a form of denial, repression, etc.

Recognizing some baby steps along the way....like choosing to face something difficult...will help us get closer to that crossroads....

[Sannah]

Chris, I've actually thought about this too. I thought that it was working through your grief with the loss of your sister? Did the relationship with your T strengthen with this work? You seemed to work on some other past grief with this work too?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Chris, I've actually thought about this too. I thought that it was working through your grief with the loss of your sister? Did the relationship with your T strengthen with this work? You seemed to work on some other past grief with this work too?

Maybe. I'm not sure if that was it or not. I know losing my sister was a real turning point in my life. Certainly puts your priorities in line to watch a loved one go through what she did and still maintain such a strong outlook about life.

My relationship with my T was always very strong, so I don't think that really changed in any way. I just became very determined to find a way to move on I guess. I just came to a point where I refused to stay stuck any longer and I did what I had to do, often fighting and screaming, to put the past behind me and choose to live for today. Fortunately my decision matched up with my ability to actually do this; timing is everything.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Certainly puts your priorities in line to watch a loved one go through what she did... I just became very determined to find a way to move on I guess. I just came to a point where I refused to stay stuck any longer and I did what I had to do, often fighting and screaming, to put the past behind me and choose to live for today. Fortunately my decision matched up with my ability to actually do this; timing is everything.

The key here is that you did the work, though, don't you think?

Thank You.