A bit of a snag

I have only cried once.. and really, I cried b/c I had a panic attack and that is what happens when I have a panic attack. So, I don't know if that really counts. Anyways, in the midst of it he sat at his desk b/c it was at the end of the session.. and when he realized it was more of a panic and he said somethings to help ground me.

T and I have been talking a lot about feeling and experiencing my emotions in the last couple of session (in relation to my trauma) and I have thought what it would look like and feel like if I cried in front of my T. In reality, what I want him to do is sit there and say some comforting things. However, I think it would feel really weird to have somebody sit there and WATCH me cry. BUT- I wouldn't want him to come next to me and try to pat my back, or whatever.

I gave it a crack in this session and some defencey thing happened and I got enraged etc etc haha.

Its weird though because I could cry with other T's no problem. Its only now that I am supposed to do it as part of the therapy program that I cannot. This particular T is just the same as all the rest of them, so its not the T. I think its now that i am supposed to cry on demand that i suddenly can not.