[Serotonin]

When I was suffering from clinical depression I was in psychotherapy for approximately one year before pulling out, and during that time I think I may have developed an emotional attachment to my therapist. She was an older woman, perhaps not attractive in the conventional sense of the word, but possessed an easy going, laid back, calm and relaxed demeanour, which I found both therapeutic and attractive. Just sitting in her company and being listened and responded to was a pleasurable experience.

I wouldn't say I had developed a crush on my T, but am well aware of this phenomenon taking place with patients who have been in long term contact with a therapist who they have liked and got along with. It's no surprise, as we are all human, and crave intimacy with other human beings. When we are sharing our stories and talking about our past with our T's, and releasing powerful, repressed, pent up emotions, this emotional release is in fact a form of intimacy, and our emotions are not as wise as our intellects.

I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes we can accidentally develop an emotional attachment, and dare I say it, dependence on a T who has provided us with emotional support, and who we have come to view as an extension of ourselves and a very important component of our lives. Patients falling in love with their therapists is not unheard of, as many therapists can testify, but I have no doubt that they would also recognise that to reciprocate by allowing themselves to get emotionally involved, or to develop a sexual relationship with one of their clients, may breach their professionalism and perhaps be construed as professional misconduct.

I don't know about the legality of a therapist-patient romantic relationship, so can only speculate.

Have you ever felt that you were going to see your therapist because you had developed an emotional attachment to them, or even developed a crush and fallen in love with them? If so, knowing that some day this attachment or private love affair shall one day have to be terminated, do you feel that sustaining your emotional attachment or secret love affair with your T is conducive to the goal of improving your mental health?

Dig deep and be blatantly honest with yourself, and others.

[mommyof2girls]

I would deff have to say that yes, I still have an emotional attachment to my ex t .....

You seem to be defining emotional attachment and emotional dependencae and erotic transference (and I'm not sure what all else) as one in the same. They really are separate ideas.

Emotional attachment is very normal and for most clients vital for that connection with and trust with our T's so we can do the emotional work we do.

Dependency seems to be on a continuum from healthy dependence to over-dependence or perhaps even perceived helplessness.

Transference, particularly erotic transference, from my understanding from what I've read on PC, is apparently fairly common and is a responce of a client's personal history and unmet needs somehow getting intermingled with current relationship with the T. (I'm sure someone else can explain it much better as I've never dealt with it myself.)

Me? I have a healthy emotional attachment to my T. A normal level of dependence, and no transference.

[WikidPissah]

Healthy attachment.

our ex-counselor-yes but the relationship was toxic and controlling. our new one-no we havent

[Serotonin]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You seem to be defining emotional attachment and emotional dependencae and erotic transference (and I'm not sure what all else) as one in the same. They really are separate ideas.

Emotional attachment is very normal and for most clients vital for that connection with and trust with our T's so we can do the emotional work we do.

Dependency seems to be on a continuum from healthy dependence to over-dependence or perhaps even perceived helplessness.

Transference, particularly erotic transference, from my understanding from what I've read on PC, is apparently fairly common and is a responce of a client's personal history and unmet needs somehow getting intermingled with current relationship with the T. (I'm sure someone else can explain it much better as I've never dealt with it myself.)

Me? I have a healthy emotional attachment to my T. A normal level of dependence, and no transference.

I can appreciate the time you've taken to put forth terminologies and their definitions, but what it really boils down to is this: a simple romantic fixation and/or sexual desire to bone your therapist.

I think that only a minimal level of attachment is healthy and in the best interests of the patient, if any at all, but that's just my POV. And the same could apply to dependence. Being dependent on a T may be just as deleterious for some patients as depencedece on a substance. I have OCD patients, personality disorder patients (Histrionic in particular), and those with addictions such as alcohol dependence syndrome (alcoholism) in mind.

And this concept of "transference" is not clearly defined, contains mulitple meanings, and could simply be a psychoanalytical term which Freud conjured to describe a simple romantic crush.

It's important to remember that Freud was very adept at creating psychological neologisms, and conjured a whole armoury of psychoanalytical terms which evolved into his own personal language of psychoanalysis. He was also a neurologist and not a psychiatrist or psychologist. In fact Freud was more of a philospher of psychology than a psychoanalyst, as he liked to call himself.

So any of the terms that you have bandied about, such as "attachment, dependence, and transference" are the mere products of someone's imagination and purely arbitrary. In fact, like the ID, ego, superego, and personality disorders; some psychologists would argue against their very existence.

PS. Yes, I too have used the terms "attachment" and "dependence".

[stopdog]

I don't despise the woman and I do keep going back with general but not undue regularity. Certainly I could survive without her and I don't think it would be a huge deal to do so. But thus far I have continued to choose not to do so.

[healed84]

Originally Posted by Serotonin

I can appreciate the time you've taken to put forth terminologies and their definitions, but what it really boils down to is this: a simple romantic fixation and/or sexual desire to bone your therapist.

I think that only a minimal level of attachment is healthy and in the best interests of the patient, if any at all, but that's just my POV. And the same could apply to dependence. Being dependent on a T may be just as deleterious for some patients as depencedece on a substance. I have OCD patients, personality disorder patients (Histrionic in particular), and those with addictions such as alcohol dependence syndrome (alcoholism) in mind.

And this concept of "transference" is not clearly defined, contains mulitple meanings, and could simply be a psychoanalytical term which Freud conjured to describe a simple romantic crush.

It's important to remember that Freud was very adept at creating psychological neologisms, and conjured a whole armoury of psychoanalytical terms which evolved into his own personal language of psychoanalysis. He was also a neurologist and not a psychiatrist or psychologist. In fact Freud was more of a philospher of psychology than a psychoanalyst, as he liked to call himself.

So any of the terms that you have bandied about, such as "attachment, dependence, and transference" are the mere products of someone's imagination and purely arbitrary. In fact, like the ID, ego, superego, and personality disorders; some psychologists would argue against their very existence.

PS. Yes, I too have used the terms "attachment" and "dependence".

So, are you saying that any kind of attachment to our Ts is always sexual?? Is there ever just a healthy attachment to our Ts? I think that in order to go anywhere in therapy there needs to be some bonding between the T and the client.. and I think with that bonding comes some kind of attachment. I am getting there, now.. However, it is in no way sexual. He is someone I am learning to rely on, to be a support person b/c I need one right now. So, of course there is going to be an attachment that occurs.

[mrmanatee]

No attachment yet, I would love to feel bonded to her that would be a sign the therapy is working

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Serotonin

I think that only a minimal level of attachment is healthy and in the best interests of the patient, if any at all, but that's just my POV.

You seem to think you can control your thoughts, feelings and other physiological processes. If you look, you will find you can only consistently control your actions and, in trying to control the others, can seriously upset your personal, human balance. Those with eating disorders are the obvious illustration but some of depression, anxiety and many other disorders have elements of the head/intellect thinking it is in charge of everything.

I used therapy to get my head "smaller" ("shrink" comes to mind :-) and out of the way so my whole Self could come back in balance. That meant learning to leave my thoughts, emotions, and body alone to be themselves and to allow them to function as informants for that Self, neither more nor less important than any other aspect. I respect myself and those I attach to are fortunate :-) to be part of my process and respected also.

[KazzaX]

No attachment here. I tolerate them, if anything. I'm not going there to have a tea party with a friend, I'm going there with the specific aim to get mentally healthy. They have various skills and advice to impart, and I don't particularly care who it is that is telling me - they could be anyone. I don't care - I don't discriminate. I look at them like another anonymous face in the crowd. They are no more significant to me than some random person I walk past in the street. Except they have the knowledge that i am after.

I can't really comprehend falling in love with a therapist though. This would imply to me that the client either has some big fantasy about the T in their head (they fall in love with a fantasy) or that the T has broken the rules and self disclosed too much information - and this information is what the client has fallen in love with. Considering that it is inappropriate and unprofessional for Ts to disclose anything about their private lives (or themselves outside of that therapy room), I would have to terminate therapy immediately if this ever happened to me. And find someone else who will stick to the rules.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Serotonin

what it really boils down to is this: a simple romantic fixation and/or sexual desire to bone your therapist.

Isn't this basically a Freudian tenet? The primacy of the sexual drive?

[stopdog]

"Originally Posted by Serotonin
what it really boils down to is this: a simple romantic fixation and/or sexual desire to bone your therapist."

Ugh - no. Just no.

[unaluna]

Is boning the technical term? So why not just set children out in the wild, since they will have to leave their parents eventually? Same difference, kinda! You learn what you need to learn, feel what you feel, and when it's time, you move on, that's life, nothing lasts forever. Sounds like you may have abandonment issues to work on, if you're so concerned about a r/s ending that you can't enjoy it while it's happening? That's what i'm inferring from your post, I could be wrong - first time for everything it's up to the T to help wrest the patient from her delusional love.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Me? I have a healthy emotional attachment to my T. A normal level of dependence, and no transference.

This is exactly how it is for me too.

Originally Posted by Serotonin

do you feel that sustaining your emotional attachment or secret love affair with your T is conducive to the goal of improving your mental health?

I don't have a secret love affair, LOL, but I do have emotional attachment, it is healthy, and I think it is helping rather than harming my mental health. Learning to have a healthy relationship can be a great benefit of therapy.

Originally Posted by Serotonin

When we are sharing our stories and talking about our past with our T's, and releasing powerful, repressed, pent up emotions, this emotional release is in fact a form of intimacy, and our emotions are not as wise as our intellects.

When we are sharing deeply, my T has gestured broadly, as if to include us and our conversation, and said "this is intimacy." Stating it like plainly like that helped me realize that sometimes we are emotionally intimate during the therapy hour and that it is indeed healthy. (I think he has even said, "this is intimacy, this is health.") I realize we all have different issues we work on, but unlike what you wrote, I think my emotions are often wiser than my intellect. I have been learning to listen to them and respect their wisdom.

[WantingtoHeal]

Jeez. I'm having so much trouble understanding the posts lately. I feel sooo stupid. Maybe things are getting too deep for me. I used to be sharp, really.

I personally feel that my attachment to my T is unhealthy - too intense, too strong. I also don't think it's improving my mental health at the moment. Maybe if I could discuss it with her, I could overcome it. I do have transference. She does not return my feelings in any way and I have no hope of this occurring in real life. I know these are only my feelings. I originally went to therapy for my issues in the hopes of overcoming them, but I have become caught in this overwhelming attachment/transference process that currently does not seem conducive to my mental health - yet it may be at some point. I think it can be very beneficial for many people, though.

I'm not sure if this addresses the original post or not.

[tooski]

I thought the whole point of the attachment/intimacy thing with a T was to learn how to do this in a healthy way. For those of us who did NOT learn healthy attachment in childhood for various reasons, we may not know how to have healthy relationships as adults. If we can form a healthy relationship with the therapist, we can experience how it's all supposed to work. Then, we can transfer that to others in our lives. We have to learn how to attach, and then how to let go, so it doesn't destroy us. Just my thoughts anyway .................

[wintergirl]

I think my transference really helped me change my life, but it's been a painful process at the same time. I do not feel like I am "in love" with my T, but over time, I have grown very attached to him for real and idealized reasons.

However, my attachment to T fills a need, and I can't decide whether that's healthy or not. On one hand, my time with him helps me make better choices because I don't want to disappoint him, and I don't seek out other potentially destructive relationships (like an affair).

But on the other hand, I need to deal with the real issues in my life, not just ignore them by indulging in my fantasy.

[Serotonin]

Originally Posted by healed84

So, are you saying that any kind of attachment to our Ts is always sexual?? Is there ever just a healthy attachment to our Ts? I think that in order to go anywhere in therapy there needs to be some bonding between the T and the client.. and I think with that bonding comes some kind of attachment. I am getting there, now.. However, it is in no way sexual. He is someone I am learning to rely on, to be a support person b/c I need one right now. So, of course there is going to be an attachment that occurs.

No, I don't think that "attachment" is exclusively sexual in nature. Emotional attachment may occur on a non-romantic/non-sexual level within a patient who has felt very vulnerable and in need of someone of personal strength, wisdom, and character to help provide pointers to the mental illness exit sign. The attachment comes from viewing the T as the key-holder to the exit door, and not feeling themselves to be the key-holder, and the T as a mere provider of directions.

Supportive people like T's are generally looked up to, respected, and perhaps with some patients; idealised, idolised, and adored. It's important for patients to develop a good rapport with their T's, and to attempt to connect on a deeper level than they would with any old total stranger. But some patients may unwittingly develop a romantic fixation and the consequent sexual desire, and like someone has already stated; this is usually not something you choose, it's just something that happens.

Originally Posted by hankster

Is boning the technical term? So why not just set children out in the wild, since they will have to leave their parents eventually? Same difference, kinda! You learn what you need to learn, feel what you feel, and when it's time, you move on, that's life, nothing lasts forever. Sounds like you may have abandonment issues to work on, if you're so concerned about a r/s ending that you can't enjoy it while it's happening? That's what i'm inferring from your post, I could be wrong - first time for everything it's up to the T to help wrest the patient from her delusional love.

Yes "boning" is the technical term, or "shagging" if you appreciate Austin Powers terminology (yeah, baby, yeah).

I don't and never have had "abandonment issues", so you lost me there.

Originally Posted by sunrise

This is exactly how it is for me too.

I don't have a secret love affair, LOL, but I do have emotional attachment, it is healthy, and I think it is helping rather than harming my mental health. Learning to have a healthy relationship can be a great benefit of therapy.

When we are sharing deeply, my T has gestured broadly, as if to include us and our conversation, and said "this is intimacy." Stating it like plainly like that helped me realize that sometimes we are emotionally intimate during the therapy hour and that it is indeed healthy. (I think he has even said, "this is intimacy, this is health.") I realize we all have different issues we work on, but unlike what you wrote, I think my emotions are often wiser than my intellect. I have been learning to listen to them and respect their wisdom.

Sounds like your T is not only wise, but is making real progress easing off your panties.

Wolf in sheep's clothing, if you ask me.

Did I not mention that this "attachment" process can work both ways?

Give him my regards.

PS. Please excuse my awful flippancy.

Originally Posted by WantingtoHeal

Jeez. I'm having so much trouble understanding the posts lately. I feel sooo stupid. Maybe things are getting too deep for me. I used to be sharp, really.

I personally feel that my attachment to my T is unhealthy - too intense, too strong. I also don't think it's improving my mental health at the moment. Maybe if I could discuss it with her, I could overcome it. I do have transference. She does not return my feelings in any way and I have no hope of this occurring in real life. I know these are only my feelings. I originally went to therapy for my issues in the hopes of overcoming them, but I have become caught in this overwhelming attachment/transference process that currently does not seem conducive to my mental health - yet it may be at some point. I think it can be very beneficial for many people, though.

I'm not sure if this addresses the original post or not.

I'm not sure it does either, but you make an interesting revelation about "transference", and that is if we go along with Freudian psychoanalytical terminology and assume that this conceptual penomenon actually exists, and was not a mere product of the very vivid and over-active imagination of Sigmund Freud.

If you feel that your attachment to your T is unhealthy, and that transference has occurred and is detrimental to your mental health, there is no point me saying "Oh just stop transferring", as like a romantic crush, it's just not that simple. And it all depends on the nature of your transference. Is it maternal or paternal transference? ie. are you viewing the T as a parental figure? Or is it a romantic transference? ie. are you turning the T into a lost love? Perhaps he reminds you of an ex-partner?

Again, transference is a Freudian concept, and Freud thrived on creating terminologies to describe and sometimes complicate simple human phenomena like a romantic crush and/or sexual desire.

But if we are to assume that "transference" is a real phenomenon I suppose the fundamental question's have to be:

Who does your T remind you of?

Or more accurately; who do you want him to be?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Serotonin

I don't and never have had "abandonment issues", so you LOST ME there.

ha ha good one!

[Dreamy01]

Oh yes...

I've had two prior ts and was extremely attached to both. In fact it was like being head over heels in love, but not in any way sexual. I yearned for a mother-child bond but it was like craving for complete immersion the need was so intense.

I have a strong emotional attachment to current t too and young parts have at times emerged, but overall the need for bonding is not as strong as it used to be. I have a better sense of adult self than I used to.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Serotonin

PS. Please excuse my awful flippancy.

No, I guess not.

People who quit therapy and would not go back don't come off too well making a lot of pronouncments on other people who are trying hard with difficult work.
This is a forum for mutual encouragement. I don't find a lot of encouragement in "awful flppancy". maybe you could just stop that?
just my $0.02

I have a strong emotional attachment/bond with my T. I sure wasn't expecting anything like this. Not sure what I was expecting, but I'm glad it is what it is!

[Serotonin]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

No, I guess not.

People who quit therapy and would not go back don't come off too well making a lot of pronouncments on other people who are trying hard with difficult work.
This is a forum for mutual encouragement. I don't find a lot of encouragement in "awful flppancy". maybe you could just stop that?
just my $0.02

Great sense of humor.

2/10.

[pbutton]

Yes. I am so attached that wish I could carve a hole into him and set up camp in his left thigh.

That's not even remotely true, but that's what you're looking for, correct? People confessing their attachment so that you can convince all of us that we're damaging ourselves?