Deep check.

I think T knows already.

Hmm he's good at hiding it.

who wants to play these games? Raise your hands

I'm playing them too much.

My T does all the time. When I say... "i don't know" even in the midst of tears, she'll say, "Nope, not letting you get away with that."

When I give her some bs.. she's say.. "try again" LOL

So crucial for me.

Good on your therapist and good for you for accepting the lesson. I don't think you have to tell your therapist about the "why". He knows. Now that you know why, though, you are equipped with all you need to stop doing it.

As far as reality checks go, the closest I can get it actually something that happened today. I'm going to NYC later this week, and we were brainstorming coming up with a "stretch" for me to do. She suggested something that was way too hard. So I came up with one of my "micro stretches"--something that sounds like a challenge for me on the surface, but actually really isn't. At first she bought my idea and she gave it to me as my homework assignment, but then she was all, "Hey, what a minute!" I felt myself smile, but inside I was saying "damn". Cuz then I had to get a "real" homework assignment. It's the first time she's ever caught me in one of my tricks.

I decided not to tell him why. We're caught back up in our agreement about self harming, we don't know where the he%€ that stands anymore and it's a huge mess.

Where in NYC??? As you can see I live in this beautiful city.

I'm going to be all over. But I'm going camping in Brooklyn!

Brooklyn's awesome. I go there once a week for one of my sessions.

I'd love it if my T said something along the lines of the OP. Because that is the way that I think .. "this will not be productive, thus it is not worth doing". It is efficiency at its best. The only thing is, did you have to pay for a full session even though she cut you off early? If I was paying for my sessions I would not be OK with this. But if not, I would prefer if she said it because it lessens the wastage of time for both parties.. thats what I mean by efficient.

He didn't cut me off...it was a threat that changed my entire demeanor REALLY fast. It all happened in the first three minutes of session. If he HAD it wouldn't have mattered I don't pay anything out of pocket.

So I never stopped to realize what actually went on in today's session until now. After he stopped me from playing games it was actually pretty productive.

I'm remembering now, he REALLY showed me how much we've grown together as a team over the last year. The session wasnt particularly intense but, I ranted with anger and I got upset and cried a few times. When I was crying he calmy and quietly talked to me. He told me..

You know lost. You know this is your pattern right? You take these setbacks and you erase all the good things that you have done, just like they didn't happen. Then you let the negatives overtake you until there's nothing left. Last week things were doing good, and nothing has changed. It's your mind and you know it. Your accomplishments are still there, you need to understand that.

He went into more detail but that was the basics. Thinking back on the session, it feels kind of weird that somebody understands how I think. I never really thought he got me, but obviously he does.