Failing at Life

I was doing so much better, only to drop down into the depths of the abyss. I don't believe this is happening to me. I can't cope. I'm tired of feeling better only to end up here. I'm so tired. And I was trying so hard to no avail. Contentment never stays, it always leaves me. BUT I'm nothing but a manipulative BPD, so who cares? I loved myself not too long ago, I now hate myself. I hate hating myself.

I am quitting therapy altogether. I am in so much pain that I dont think I can deal with my issues. I want to disso iate again and build back the walls that were torn down. I want to quit work and drive away where my toxicity wont hurt anyone. I am so deflated and empty. The facade is going to break and so am I. I cant be me, I cant be me.

one thing my t taught me was to look at life as a highway. maybe something unexpected happens that you don't want. don't look at it like a screeching halt, or even a backtrack. Look at it as a detour. You may not hav meant to take it, but you did and theres nothing you can do now. Either way, you continue moving forward, it may not be on the path you wanted, but you are still moving forward.

you are taking a detour right now. its not a bad thing, and its not a great thing. it just is. I really am wishing that your new t becomes the reaasurer that you want... and could use right now. hang in there

dont quit therapy. therapy hurts, I know. but i think in your case, it is VITAL that you continue building the relationship with your t. If you don't begin to trust soon, you nvr will trust again. you cant let go yet. your t believes in you, I believe in you. You hav to muster the courage to face it. Let your new t be the one to fill that hole that is aching inside you...

You have better decision making skills than I do, and you are much younger. I have made horrible decisions, and although I can say that some were made in a fog, they are still my decisions. I can't resolve anything with my xT ever. I can't take this much longer, I feel like I"m going to explode. I'm such a trainwreck. I want so badly just to let go, to say okay I'm never going to have a clue as to why I am here, although I already know, because I'm a **** up. I don't need my xT to figure that out. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPLIT it isn't even funny, it's painful. Empathic me or Destructive me? I need to get a bookie and we can start gambling on which mood I'll be in each hour on the hour. My OCD is horrific. I wish it would leave me alone. I felt like I could finally regulate my emotions, I wrote a good letter to xT, but then I read a post that reminded me of xT adn that was all she wrote. Fine, everything is my fault, it's all my fault. I was a horrible unruly intrusive patient. Theres my confession. Maybe there's an patient book of ethical standards, clearly I broke one of them. I must have. I should be put in solitary confinement to contain any possible contamination of me leaking out onto others. I broke the ethical code of environmental biology by being a toxic, uncontained substance. People have to wear yellow suits and black boots to take me to the institution. I deserve to be in a state of grief for twenty life sentences. I will never be free

Antimatter, I wish there was some wise and reassuring and constructive advice I could give here. I really see the hurt in your words. Can I just ask you to do one thing - look at the first six words of your first post. "I was doing so much better" ... you were doing better, and now you are doing worse, but doesn't that mean that there is the chance, the capacity in you, that you will be doing better again? I know you can't remember how it was, or the feeling of being better. I can completely relate to that. But knowing that it once was better... is there any chance that might help?

I wish you would give your new T a chance to help you. Can you print out some of your posts here to show to T? I think there's a lot in them that might help a T help you.

I dont know to be honest. I trust no1. But I want to believe I can.