[~EnlightenMe~]

After having what I call a breakdown/crisis, I feel like the depression is somewhat lifting.

I was mostly soothed by my xT when I called him. Both xT and my Pdoc said that my termination was a "mutual agreement." My Pdoc believed this. It felt invalidating because yes, I told my xT that I would leave. However, I told him this because I felt like he manipulated me into wanting to leave by pushing my buttons, etc. I never, even when I took the therapy vacation, ever, wanted to leave. I didn't want to take the therapy vacation, but when I called suggesting it, my xT called my bluff by saying okay, see you in six weeks (LOL) - remind me never to play cards. I talked to my Pdoc after she spoke with my xT, and she was very robotic, she told me that my xT said that I wanted to terminate, and that it was a mutual decision.

I ask that no one responds in a negative fashion concerning my xT and my Pdoc, I was giving that information to describe how I've made progress and I don't want to go back to a negative place.

This morning, I could feel my negativity coming back, my anger, and I was mindful and accepting the feelings but I also tried to remember how much my xT has helped me, and how I felt relieved when he called me. Although, I get that my feelings of relief are over the top/not normal; if my T had never helped me, I would never have had those feelings associated with him. In fact, it points to how much I trusted him, and how much I knew that he cared. This helped lift the negativity.

Although I don't understand his point of view, and I don't know if he is telling it the way he sees it or if he is not being truthful, I know that he has so much on his plate with his home life and may not have the resources now to cope. Or it may be because he has plans to go into a different field, which he has shared with me, and was unable to be truthful with me for some reason. Or he could be over me with BPD, and many other possibilities.

I am now able to feel the trust that I had in him, probably because he called. I am choosing to trust in him now, trust that he still cares and is doing the best that he can even if it isn't the way I hoped it would end. He wasn't perfect, but since he cared and treated me with dignity, empathy, and compassion, I am now able to trust in myself, I am able to not have to resolve this issue to know that I am a human being, although I'm not ruling out resolution in the future. I kind of feel resolved now, though. I am greatful for what he has done, and this in what I need to move forward. If I focus on anything else, I will remain forever stuck. I still care about him, I will still probably obsess over things that happened for awhile, but if I can keep this part of me present, then I will be able to make it.

Thanks for listening.

Wow, Antimatter, that's real insight and real progress. Thank you so much for sharing!

Anitmatter, therapy is about you. and you get to decide what to take out of that experience. I'm glad you are able to see the positives.

[Miswimmy1]

im so glad that you are getting some peace of mind... U have been through a lot and I have so much respect for you with the way you have handled it