[trdleblue]

I'm not sure if this will make sense, but I came to a realization the other day. I've always kept my distance from others, for the most part never forming any real relationships, and I've never really understood why. When I started t, and coming on here, I read a lot about attachment and fear of abandonment, and thought maybe that's it, even though it didn't really sit right with me. What I came to realize over the last couple of days is that I don't fear abandonment, because I don't expect anyone to ever be there for me. That's the way it's always been for me, and I guess it's what I expect from others. I'm not really sure what to do with this information, but it was one of those "oh, I think I understand now" moments for me.

The expectation is a disguise for abandoment fears.

trdleblue, I also spent my life keeping people at a certain arm's length to avoid pain. No one was ever really going to love me or be there for me. That is just how life was and would always be. I still struggle with that feeling and have posted about wanting to stop wanting it to be different. Because I didn't even want it to be different until I had therapy with my current T. I have no answers for you, but will tell you that in the course of therapy, which has been unpleasant and upsetting and angering, I have somehow developed the capacity for deeper, more (choke, gag) intimate friendships. Somehow, this bizarre, difficult, weird relationship with my male T has given me the capacity to have better relationships with other women. I'm not even sure how it happened.

[pbutton]

I think I can relate to what you're saying. When I am talking to T about recent events, he often responds by asking me why I didn't reach to out to my husband, my sister, or my T. It catches me off guard. I really don't think about reaching out to other people. I don't consider it as an option and reject it, it honestly just doesn't occur to me. I don't expect help from other people. I don't share my feelings with other people. I don't expect things from other people.

[harvest moon]

Originally Posted by trdleblue

I'm not sure if this will make sense, but I came to a realization the other day. I've always kept my distance from others, for the most part never forming any real relationships, and I've never really understood why. When I started t, and coming on here, I read a lot about attachment and fear of abandonment, and thought maybe that's it, even though it didn't really sit right with me. What I came to realize over the last couple of days is that I don't fear abandonment, because I don't expect anyone to ever be there for me. That's the way it's always been for me, and I guess it's what I expect from others. I'm not really sure what to do with this information, but it was one of those "oh, I think I understand now" moments for me.

This is just another face of fear of abandonment...

[Sannah]

Hi tblue, great insight! What you described reminds me of the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment. A child develops this attachment when caregivers are not responsive to their needs. They learn to deal with life alone and actually welcome rejection because it is better then being attached to others. This was the attachment that I had and had to work through.

"Dismissive–avoidant attachment
People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships.", "It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient", and "I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners)."

[unaluna]

cheezit can you hear the bells going off in my head? I agree with mkac about better r/s with my gf's due to my T, it's funny how that works.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

The expectation is a disguise for abandoment fears.

Originally Posted by harvest moon

This is just another face of fear of abandonment...

I'm not sure if it is for me. I'm not completly discounting it, but I really don't think abandonment is something that I fear. It's something I'm going to have to think more about.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

trdleblue, I also spent my life keeping people at a certain arm's length to avoid pain. No one was ever really going to love me or be there for me. That is just how life was and would always be. I still struggle with that feeling and have posted about wanting to stop wanting it to be different. Because I didn't even want it to be different until I had therapy with my current T. I have no answers for you, but will tell you that in the course of therapy, which has been unpleasant and upsetting and angering, I have somehow developed the capacity for deeper, more (choke, gag) intimate friendships. Somehow, this bizarre, difficult, weird relationship with my male T has given me the capacity to have better relationships with other women. I'm not even sure how it happened.

Thank you. I'm not sure if I distance myself from people to avoid pain. I'm not saying that's not the reason, I'm just not sure. I do want it to change, and I hope that I'm at least moving in the right direction. I am starting to worry that all of this is going to be a much longer process then I ever thought.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi tblue, great insight! What you described reminds me of the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment. A child develops this attachment when caregivers are not responsive to their needs. They learn to deal with life alone and actually welcome rejection because it is better then being attached to others. This was the attachment that I had and had to work through.

"Dismissive–avoidant attachment
People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships.", "It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient", and "I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners)."

This is probably true for me. I definitely like to be independent and don't rely on others. In a way I was very much alone growing up. I learned at a very young age how to fend for myself.