I don't know what she wants from me!

*goes crazy*
Wait... I was already crazy.

I could teach a class on crazy.

She wants me to talk, I talk... She talks. We talk. GREAT.
Then comes the, "I don't think therapy's helping much, is it?"
My curt reply? "Uhm, well things have changed since I've come here."
Then it was a bunch of back and forth about how I need to have some catalyst for change. I told her I want to, I just am not entirely sure HOW to.
Her profound reply was that all we ever talk about is how to...
And then, in my head, I'm wondering when? How? REALLY?

*builds wall back up that took a year to come down*
*comes home and hurts self*
*realises source of frustration*
*calls and terminates*
*goes on living*

THE END.

dr, you are not crazy. (I know, because it takes one to know one )

i am so sorry about the two SIs. One physical, and one emotional (termination)...... you didn't really terminate did you?

over time, the exchanges you have posted between you & T show someone who knows you well. Yes therapy may be the source of frustration but the thing is not to give it up, but to resolve the frustration: "the only way out is through", they say. Quitting doesn't get you "out", even if it feels like it at the time; it just pushes things back down.

I hope that when you calm down you can write some about how you & T do or don't talk about change. let us know how you go...

omg I am so sorry. I had this exact conversation with my T yesterday, you can see the preview on couch 15. I told him how my T's used to ask me if therapy was helping, and i'd panic and say yes of course it was. he said I wasn't supposed to lie. I said it was because the t's weren't sensitive to how just the pattern of therapy was replicating the bad rapprochement phase I had with my mother. it needs to be talked about, the T really needs to educate the client about it, I think. I mean, I finally educated myself about it, but the typical client doesn't have the means, opportunity, ability, or background to do the same. I guess it boils down to just not a good match between client and therapist. They should teach you this in school somehow, resilience, how to keep going til you find the right one; instead some of us learn that "not giving up" means keep trying to walk with your shoes on the wrong feet.

I'm sorry that this session was painful for you.

All of these things were choices within your control. You can make different choices-- that is what change is all about.

Would it be possible for you to imagine that what your T said to you was not for the purpose of betrayal or whatever negative thing you imagined it be-- but instead she gave you totally brutal honest feedback out of love and respect for you? Rhetorical question, of course, you don't need to answer it.

And then could you imagine telling yourself that you want to change, and that you can change, and in fact the first step is just doing something different than you've done before. This might include calling her back and rescheduling your appointment, then going in and tell her how you feel, and being open to seeing what happens next.

We were coming to an end anyway. We were at the point where I could come in without being panicked, and where I saw her losing interest. (Regardless of how stoic she portrays herself, her actions and general demeanour betrays her sometimes...)0
Yeah, she knows me well; as well as a stranger who you sit in a room with and prattle off things about yourself can :P She's been astute in retrospect, but if I'm honest with myself, I can't say that what we've done in the past year or so have been helpful. I'm pretty sure at the start she used to test my knowledge of things (the same way I test hers sometimes), but now she's not. I'm no longer really challenged.
Hugs to sawe

Thank you I think what's happening is that now, I'm learning to walk on my own. I do think that they've helped, but maybe just because I was able to go and vent a bit. We're creatures of habit, and I'm pretty sure I need to find a way to change mine. (sigh... I thought recognition would be hard; actually changing? It's a mountain)

The choices I made were not impulsive. I think they were deep within me for quite some time. She saw them, as I'm sometimes quite transparent with her on a good day... but she knows I won't bring them up easily, because I don't really like leading a conversation. I've never been the one to bring up ending, but this time I did. This is my difference.
I guess I was a bit thrown off, partially because I didn't think myself capable of doing it, and partially because I never saw myself HAVING to do it... but now it's done. And I'm fine with that... Or, at least, I will be...

Thank you