[Rubylizard]

i've been seeing my T for about 5 months now and just last week it suddenly dawned on me that i just don't feel comfortable with him. i had an appointment this morning with him and we talked about it. i told him about how i feel weird because i'm supposed to go in there and spill my guts to him but i don't know anything about him at all. he never tells me anything about himself or really engages in any sort of idle polite chat before sessions to get me more at ease. you know, how like maybe if you go to the dentist the hygentist with ask you how the last six months have been and what you were up to and you ask her the same and she tells you she went on vacation with her kids or something and how she's excited that it's summer now and is looking forward to going to the beach. and that's that. then you feel more at ease and can be more relaxed as she scrapes plaque off you teeth! well he never seems to do that. he asks how i am and then DIVES directly into the therapy session before i've even gotten a chance to settle in. my last therapist (excluding a very bad one) worked in this old house and they were all so homey there and would ask if you wanted tea or water and stuff like that. would light the fireplaces in the winter. it wsa so comforting.
but this T doesn't have the same kind of place to work in so i can't have that but it is weird. i don't know what else to suggest to him that would make me feel more comfortable. i did think to ask him to sit in a lower chair because he often sits in his desk chair which towers over little me on the low couch. there is a chair next to the couch that is the same height.
does anyone have any ideas or has had a similar experience? i really like what he's come up with for treating me...and he wants to do emdr and stuff like that, but when he tries, i just can't do it. i won't let him in. i am afraid to cry in front of him and it is hindering the experience.

[pegasus]

Hello Rubylizard,

5 months with a therapist isn't very long. It takes time to build up trust and your T will know that. It is good that you have been able to tell your therapist that you don't feel comfortable.

Talking ain't that easy is it? And I personally don't think it is necessary to 'spill your guts', there are other ways of doing things.

Try not to put yourself under pressure to deal with things right away. Rome was not built in a day!

Maybe you could think about what would make you feel more comfortable.

I always take something special, that I like to hold in my hand during therapy. And I take a note-book and pen. Things that make me feel safe.

Take care.

[ErinBear]

Hi Rubylizard,

Getting to know a different T is hard. I agree that it's good you were able to start talking about the awkwardness that you are feeling. Each counselor is different, just as we're all different people here. Some are very private people, and keep very strong boundaries about their personal lives. Others share more personal information. But I think most counselors would share at least about their training and background, and if you haven't asked your counselor about their training and background, that might be a conversation you could have together in which you could learn more about him. Most counselors are okay talking about where they went to college, for instance, and some will talk about why they went into counseling - things like that. And that may help you learn more about your counselor. I wonder if that might help you feel better about the working relationship that you have?

I wonder if there are things you can bring with you that might help you feel better when you go to the counselor's office. I bring things from home sometimes, especially if I know it will be a hard visit, like a favorite teddy bear, or a smooth rock from the beach which I can rub in my hand. Both things encourage me and give me comfort when we work hard.

Another thing which has helped me when I have a hard time talking is to write my thoughts and feelings down, either before the visit, or even during the session. Sometimes I find it easier to write things down instead of talking out loud. Over the time I've worked with my counselor, I've gotten better about talking aloud, but it helped to be able to write, especially at first when I was more scared. It might be another thing to try. That was another thing which helped me out a whole bunch.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best in your working relationship with your T.....

Take care,
ErinBear

[Hopefull]

Different people develop trust in their T at different speeds. I tended to start spilling quickly (three to four session). But, I seemed to have a desperate need to do so. I couldn't hardly hold it in. So, work on your own pace. Do what you are comfortable with.
You said that your T has some good treatment ideas and is willing to modify his/her environment some in order to make you comfortable. I think it is great that you felt comfortable bringing this up with him/her. I think it is great that T was willing to use a shorter chair. I am amazed by your ability to bring this up because my old T used to sit behind the desk and I would end up turning my head to make eye contact with her. This bothered my neck and made the whole arrangement uncomfortable. But, I never told her so. I had tried to sit on the couch which made it easier to face her. But, then it felt like we were too far a part to hold a conversation. So, way to go on bringing it up.
I prefer to read the things that are hardest to bring up or discuss. So that I don't have to look at her while sharing it. As for crying in front of T, my first time of talking to a T, I was embarrased to cry in front of him. It is unnerving to cry in front of a near complete stranger.
Lastly, I am curious about your cultural upbringing. Different cultural groups have different levels of comfort with expressing emotions and very personal information. How much did your parents, siblings and other family members express their feelings? It may be a part of your cultural believes or family believes that one is dishonoring their family by discussing family matters with an outsider. Some cultural groups require a higher level of self-disclosure from a therapist in order to develop the relationship before they can "spill their guts."
I hope you give yourself the time that you need to develop the relationship and go at the speed that you can. Don't think there is something wrong with you if you need more time than others to develop a good working relationship with your T. A relationship with a T is just like a relationship with anyone else, it takes time and effort for it to develop. Keep up the good work.

[Rubylizard]

thanks everyone for responses. i like the idea of taking something of my own with me (other than the pen and paper, which i do anyway and isn't very comforting.....) but like something to hold in my hand.

hopefull: my family tends to not express emotions and my T actually thinks i have a phobia of my emotions to a certain extent. which is why this is difficult for me. but i've been able to cry and express myself more in front of other Ts and be okay.
i like the idea of maybe writing my responses to his questions down. that might be a good thing to do. next week should be very interesting.