I feel like I've let everyone I know down.

I was so determined to get clean this time! As long as my sister is living here with us, I know I can't stay clean. It's like putting a crack addict in a room full of users. That person can only go so long until they give in, especially in early recovery. She brought half an 8 ball to me lastnight and said I could have a quarter of it. At first I said no. Said no four times, actually. Then she started smoking it in front of me and I just couldn't hold on any longer. *sigh* I'm such a fu**ing failure. I've let everyone down who trusted in me to stay clean and sober.

I feel so miserable. This time I did get high and to be honest, I'm still kind of high from lastnight. I hate myself so much right now. I went 10 months clean as a whistle and then my sister moves back in and it goes all to hell! I know the choice is ultimately mine, but I'm a fricken addict and she knows this. She knows how hard it is for me to turn the dope down, yet she swings half an 8 of Ice in front of my face.

I don't know what to say or do... I'm scared, I'm depressed, I'm miserable. I'm losing my mind.

(((((( Bama ))))))))

You are not a failure. You are a human fighting the beast of addiciton. Sometimes that beast wins the battle. But you ARE strong enough to stand up to it again and again and again if that's what it takes to win.

Have you found a sponsor yet?

You know all the things you need to do.

Talking down to yourself isn't one of them.

Be kind and gentle to yourself.

I care about you.

Petunia

The only person you have let down is yourself Bama. We will be tempted all the way through our life and this was just another one of those times. I know it must be terrible having been put into that situation but you need to look at it is YOR life we are talking about here. Call your sponsor, pick up th NA book, get out of there and go for a walk. Just look at today and not the 10 months and not that you have let other people down. You have let yourself down maybe. Do not set your expectations to high for yourself that you cannot reach them. Make your goals so that you can obtain them. Make them small at first and then when you reach them you can look back and say, "hey, I reached that goal." That will give you more power and more incentive to keep on working harder on staying clean. Contact me ANYTIME you need to if you run into troubles and need some help, OK. Be good to yourself. Relapse is part of recovery. We learn each time we relapse what not to do and what more we can do to stay clean and sober.

((((((((((Bama))))))))

Allan

(((((Petunia))))) No, haven't found a sponser I feel comfortable with yet. I try being good to myself but i just keep damaging myself. blah!

((((((((((Allan)))))))))) Thank you, Allan. Good advice as usual. I finally got a new NA book and do read it daily along with the daily meditation/Just For Today. I work out to release some of my urges, but when the dope gets put in front of me, it's so hard to turn it away. I've turned dope down from old friends but I can't seem to do it with my sister.

(((bama))) At least you're still coming here. I'm so glad you're moving to Florida. Obviously living with your sister is not working for your sobriety. Like you said though, it is your choice. This is a huge test. Be true to yourself and your higher power the next time she brings drugs home. Try leaving and going for a walk. There's no reason to stay in the house when she's getting high.

I can't stay out of the house forever, ya know? Gotta come back in from my walk at some point. My sister brings in large quanities of dope home everyday. I don't know how she gets it, but she does. I think she's selling some on the side to make back her money to get more dope for her. I dunno. I just know I'm going insane here. I don't know now if I'm going to even get to move to Florida. The money just isn't coming in at all and I don't have the money to move all my stuff and it'll take a long time to get on my own two feet and get a place of my own. I doubt my friend will allow me to stay with her THAT long. I'm about ready to say screw it all.

By the way, just so I have it out there, I did get high again today. Not as high, just a few tokes from the pipe, but I'm buzzing from it. I feel my addiction has opened full force again and I'm scared to death. I'm not a very open person when it comes to me being in the wrong, but I know I have a problem and I know I shouldn't have made that first choice to use, but I did. And now I'm stuck. *sigh*

bama,

honey you arent a failure. From time to time, we all make unwise choices. I am feeling for you.
i am here for you, honey!

remember pm anytime

((((( mrb )))))

Thank you. I'm doing better today. I haven't used although my body kinda feels like it wants to use. But then again my sisters been gone all day and hasn't been here, so that helps. I felt the urge to use a couple hours ago but layed down and took a nap instead. To today is day one of being clean. Let's see if I can go for two.

Oh Bama, it happened, but you can get back again, really, you did it before, you will do it again. I remember you said you'll be moving out of there, try real hard to make that your mental mantra. Don't feel like you let everyone down, though I can relate, but don't be hard on yourself.
Dear one, I feel you can do this, it doesn't stop me from admiring all that you have done, I still admire you and feel you can get through this. Believe in yourself, as we believe in you.

Love,
DE

(((((((((((((( Bama )))))))))))))))))

(((((((((( DE ))))))))))

I dunno if I'll be able to move now or not. Money situation is shot all to hell. So we'll see.

Thank you for believing in me even though right now it's very tough to believe in myself. It means a lot to me.

Remember the old adage....you need to stay away from people, places, and things. For the sake of your sanity/sobriety it seems like you need to get away from your sister.

One of the hardest part of getting and staying sober is having to cut people out of your life who are using. Especially when it's family! Talk to any long time AA/NA member about the friends and family they've lost over the years. Sad stories, but they are important ones.

Take care of yourself. emmy

Bama, I want you to know just because I came down on you when we talked, does NOT mean I am going to stop supporting you through all of this. Maybe what I was doing is called tough love and hoping you might see things in a different way. I will not let you fall away from me, just reach your hand out anytime and I will be there for you, OK.

Allan

emily, at this point I WANT to cut the strings between my sister and me, but because she lives in this house with me, it's very hard to do that. Almost impossible until she moves out, which may be soon. She was supposed to work yesterday (she's only been working at this plant for a couple days) and she left yesterday and told mom she was going to work and about 10pm lastnight, her boss called and asked why she wasn't at work. My mom told him she thought she was at work and it goes on from there... She hasn't come home yet from yesterday and when she does, her and my mom will probably get into a fight over her not going into work. If they do get into a knock down fight, my dad will kick her out. So we'll see what goes on.

Allan, I know you're not coming down on me hard because you enjoy it, I know you're doing it because you care. I understand that. I'm not upset or mad at you, I appreciate you trying to help me. ((((( Allan )))))