I am so having a meltdown (si mention)

And I cannot even think straight right now. All I want is to grab a razor, but if I cut I can't babysit and I might go too deep and end up in ER.

I want to go hiking but I can't walk, so my only alternative is ****ing xanax or ativan and I hate them both.

I feel so out of control and the only way I know to get the feeling out is to cut them out.

How am I supposed to calm myself down and stay that way?

I totally feel you. I am so not the greatest at calming myself down, or I would have some great advice. I am thinking of you, and so sorry that you can't go on a hike! Is there anywhere outside you could go sit, like at a nature park, or something, and be outside? (or if it's raining, sit under the porch, or something?)

I hope you feel better. Sorry I didn't have more to offer

I know you've said in the past that exercise helps, what about push-ups (girl style on your knees). How about barbells? Doing bicep curls?

I just posted something similar I can't cut deep I
Can't afford stitches I hope I don't cut hugs

Tenative, focus on the fact that there are children in your care and what something like that would do to them. Find your inner strength.

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. I like the idea of doing other forms of exercise. I have a friend who is unable to walk due to a medical condition, very little control of her legs. And she still manages to exercise each day - just doing mostly upper body stuff.

i dont think barbells are going to work unless im flinging them thru the wall. i need something strenuous... swimming,hiking uphill.. barbells are not going to cut it and im not sure about pushups with my ankle like this.. ill try it

You are a wonderful writer, does journaling or doing any kind of creative writing help you? I would think if you tried, it would. I have always found my words to be my most effective weapon, and writing a large stress reliever.

I know you can't walk, but is there somewhere you can sit outside and watch the squirrels or birds or listen to water or otherwise be out in nature? I find that part of walking for me is in being outside and observing nature-- for us here in the midwest, the squirrels are running around like crazy collecting acorns and black walnuts.

Listening to music is also really soothing to me. For some reason, I am finding Dave Carroll's "Now" incredibly hopeful and helps me be mindful.

And mindfulness. Look it up. Try the strategies mentioned.

I have some ocean meditation music... I can play that. maybe it will make my young charge relax, too. i can only pray.

Tentative,
We are all having such a rough time lately. Know that I'm thinking about you. And as Anne said, you ought to check out mindfulness (my favorite is by John Kabat Zinn). It takes practice but it does work. If you can go on youtube and look it up, look up John kabat Zinn google - all of those words because he spoke about mindfulness to a group of google employees. I would fast forward, kind of a lengthy introduction, and start it where he starts doing the minfulness exercise. It puts me in a better place.
Keep posting, we're here for you!

When I am feeling out of control--like right now, incidentally--I find spinning reduces the agitation.

I know you have an injury, which sucks. If you had access to free office furniture, I'd tell you to get a swivel chair. Whirl and whirl until those bad thoughts go away.

Hi Tentative,
I'm so sorry you're going through this! Thinking of you.

Hope you are feeling better today. Do you understand what got you upset?

i just said this to someone else, but can you give your therapist a call? i think that might help..

that woman never answers her phone and she always calls me when im babysitting or in school. im starting to think its a tactic to not have to talk to me. i do take up an awful lot of out of session time.

yes. being told i have to live next to my rapist for another month or two bc my new/prospective landlord decided to violate the lease agreement and add a extra hundred to the rent that i cant afford.

i freaked out. am still freaking out.