[BonnieJean]

I wrote this at 3am today. I was feeling hopeless but trying to 'breath' my way thru it. I'd been awake a couple of hours. 3am can be such a lonely time when you are hurting. Having problems in my relationship with t. That makes everything seem worse...

"I can't tell where the darkness of nite ends and the darkness inside me begins. I breath in the black air. It is part of me as I am part of it. I breath it back out into the void and part of me goes with it. Mingling with the nite without borders or distinction. It is all the same emptiness filled with what cannot be seen. My solipsistic world expands and contracts."

Can anyone relate to feeling despair and misunderstood?

[stopdog]

I can relate to despair and being misunderstood. I have given up being understood by others. Particularly the therapist. It is much less frustrating when I accept it.

[roads]

I work to breathe my way out of depression also. And when you are in darkness both inside and out--yes, so easy to lose yourself, lose where you are in the world.
Your therapist is who you're supposed to work these quandaries out with. The therapist, I gather, has become part of the problem ... by misunderstanding you or your despair?
I know I'm not understanding part of the puzzle. If you think I have enough of a handle to be of help, I'll try.
Roadie

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by Roadie

I work to breathe my way out of depression also. And when you are in darkness both inside and out--yes, so easy to lose yourself, lose where you are in the world.
Your therapist is who you're supposed to work these quandaries out with. The therapist, I gather, has become part of the problem ... by misunderstanding you or your despair?
I know I'm not understanding part of the puzzle. If you think I have enough of a handle to be of help, I'll try.
Roadie

My t is not hearing me. she doesn't seem to understand that this pain is coming from our interaction last session and a sense of rejection I felt.
T's response to this writing was that the pain comes from my sense of self which colors my experience (???) and wants me to learn to experience more light (???) That helps clear up my despair, not.

[stopdog]

Sometimes therapists are just off. I wish I knew how to get things back on track. I wish the therapists knew too.

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

"I can't tell where the darkness of nite ends and the darkness inside me begins. I breath in the black air. It is part of me as I am part of it. I breath it back out into the void and part of me goes with it. Mingling with the nite without borders or distinction. It is all the same emptiness filled with what cannot be seen. My solipsistic world expands and contracts."

Can anyone relate to feeling despair and misunderstood?

This is beautiful and I can relate to this BonnieJean.

The T relationship is so complex, but I have learned to keep showing up and be willing to work through it and little by little it does its work.

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Sometimes therapists are just off. I wish I knew how to get things back on track. I wish the therapists knew too.

I try to communicate as clearly as I can. Sometimes there are such gaps in what is understood on both sides. Then there's all the analysing which sometimes feels like assumptions she locks me into. Sorry...airing some.

[stopdog]

I know. I have berated the one I see for the incorrect assumptions. Like how hard is it to just ask me instead of assuming.

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

This is beautiful and I can relate to this BonnieJean.

The T relationship is so complex, but I have learned to keep showing up and be willing to work through it and little by little it does its work.

Thanks, for your response Psychicbaby. I think I wouldn't mind the complexity if it didn't bring on such intense feelings and sometimes angst. Sometimes showing up is very hard and sometimes it is a pleasure.

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

"I can't tell where the darkness of nite ends and the darkness inside me begins. I breath in the black air. It is part of me as I am part of it. I breath it back out into the void and part of me goes with it. Mingling with the nite without borders or distinction. It is all the same emptiness filled with what cannot be seen. My solipsistic world expands and contracts."

Can anyone relate to feeling despair and misunderstood?

is there any more to this? i feel despair everyday these days. i hope u feel better soon

[roads]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

My t is not hearing me. she doesn't seem to understand that this pain is coming from our interaction last session and a sense of rejection I felt.
T's response to this writing was that the pain comes from my sense of self which colors my experience (???) and wants me to learn to experience more light (???) That helps clear up my despair, not.

The section of writing that I read spoke clearly of your pain & despair, but nowhere in my mind refers to T's rejection of you. Is there more to the piece that T read?

I have to smile at such a clichéd suggestion of "more like on the matter" & say that besides missing the point that she is the cause of the pain, she is such a literalist that she doesn't notice that in your sensitive piece it is breath that places and displaces blackness. Such a huch point to miss!

I'm afraid your T is not a poet. Perhaps you must speak/write to her in unflourished prose if she is to understand you at all. Remember, she is at her essence a social scientist.

Good luck. I think you write beautifully with the flair of a twenty-first century Elizabeth Barrett.

Roadie

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

is there any more to this? i feel despair everyday these days. i hope u feel better soon

I have been reading about your despair lately in your posts. I'm sorry you're feeling it too. No, this is all I wrote as a reaction/description of how I was feeling. It is not part of anything larger. Do you ever write to help ease the despair?

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by Roadie

The section of writing that I read spoke clearly of your pain & despair, but nowhere in my mind refers to T's rejection of you. Is there more to the piece that T read?

I have to smile at such a clichéd suggestion of "more like on the matter" & say that besides missing the point that she is the cause of the pain, she is such a literalist that she doesn't notice that in your sensitive piece it is breath that places and displaces blackness. Such a huch point to miss!

I'm afraid your T is not a poet. Perhaps you must speak/write to her in unflourished prose if she is to understand you at all. Remember, she is at her essence a social scientist.

Good luck. I think you write beautifully with the flair of a twenty-first century Elizabeth Barrett.

Roadie

I missed that cliche! That is humorous.
This is three days after the occurence and the third thing I'd emailed to her to try to make myself clear to t. The first two were really straight forward and not metaphorical. You're perceptive, she is not a poet or artist but I continually head down those avenues when things get really difficult.