[granite1]

i was so so scared to go today i was so convinced that she was going to quit on me.still not sure she isn't but i feel a bit better.she had an agenda today.to be honest i was so relieved because of this. she started by asking me if i remember what we were dealing with last session.i was scared to give her the wrong answer so i just shrugged my shoulders. she then said we were talking about her being angry at me and she asked me if i remember what she did that made me think she was angry. honestly i didn't remember exact ally what it was.this terrified me. i told her i don't remember and she said she thinks i don't want to tell her. this made me feel horrible because i did want to tell her but i didn't know the right answer. long silence and all i could think of is what if i don't answer.then i decided to ask her that.will she be mad if i couldn't come up with an answer. she didn't say no but pointed out that she doesn't think i understand why it is so important this is to understand.but she didn't seem angry about it and kind of made it OK that i didn't

she started talking to me about how i see her and everyone as horrible ans how i hate me and everyone in this world and that i have come here for help with this. she said that it is important to tell her when i am feeling this way at the time so that we can look at why i am seeing her this way.that i have never ever given her reason to be angry with me.she said for one thing she is a T and i come to see her to get help.that i need to see that her being angry with me for something is never going to be helpful.this seemed to make sense. i was able to tell her that it was like i just see things as different.sometimes it is how she looks ,or sounds,or how she acts.she explained that no one can ever act the same way. that maybe she has a soar throat that made her sound different. that there could be many reasons a person is different.but she said it is important to her for me to be able to tell her.she was so genuine when she said this.it made me feel like i had the most caring T in the world.i don't know why but it really made me feel like she wanted to help me. that somehow she knew how.it felt good. then she asked if i was able to tell the difference between when i am there and grounded and when i have that fuzzy feeling and not really being there now how does she know about that i have never ever told her about that at all because i don't want her to take that away from me.not ever. i think she saw my panic and said it was OK that she just also wants to know when i feel like that. i remember T telling me i needed to stay with them if i didn't they would pump me up with drugs. i know she isn't about that but even anyone talking about that scares me.i just told her that today i am here .all she said was OK.

i actually told her about how i am having bad mornings and she seemed to understand and said that she knows it hasn't/t been easy and that i probably feel like a pawn to all this. she was so sweet.why cant i always see her like this. she said she wants to help me balance out the good days and bad so i don't feel so much like a pawn . i want her to be this T. the one i see today.

we then talked about the Teddy i brought that my son gave me and how i am nervous about his next post because he is an embassy guard.today was a good session and she smiled at me

Granite, seriously, print out this post and tape it somewhere that you can reread when you start getting back into that "T is mad at me and wants to get rid of me" thinking. Today you were able to see and think clearly about your T. That is wonderful.

I am so happy you had a good session today granite1. I know you have really been struggling with this lately. I really struggle with having perspective on what is really happening with my own T. Most of what I project is not at all what he actually thinks or feels, but it is difficult for me to see that in the moments when it feels so certain. You should be proud of yourself I know this wasn't an easy session for you.

[Anne2.0]

Happy for you and where you are right now

[Chopin99]

I'm so glad you finally had a positive session with your T. I'm glad she "got you" and that you were able to talk.

I love happy endings!!

So happy for you.

[murray]

Oh Granite that sounds like such a wonderful session and that your T really cares and wants to help you. So so glad for you

[BonnieJean]

what good news, granite. I'm happy you had this experience with t!

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

i was so so scared to go today i was so convinced that she was going to quit on me.still not sure she isn't but i feel a bit better.she had an agenda today.to be honest i was so relieved because of this. she started by asking me if i remember what we were dealing with last session.i was scared to give her the wrong answer so i just shrugged my shoulders. she then said we were talking about her being angry at me and she asked me if i remember what she did that made me think she was angry. honestly i didn't remember exact ally what it was.this terrified me. i told her i don't remember and she said she thinks i don't want to tell her. this made me feel horrible because i did want to tell her but i didn't know the right answer. long silence and all i could think of is what if i don't answer.then i decided to ask her that.will she be mad if i couldn't come up with an answer. she didn't say no but pointed out that she doesn't think i understand why it is so important this is to understand.but she didn't seem angry about it and kind of made it OK that i didn't

she started talking to me about how i see her and everyone as horrible ans how i hate me and everyone in this world and that i have come here for help with this. she said that it is important to tell her when i am feeling this way at the time so that we can look at why i am seeing her this way.that i have never ever given her reason to be angry with me.she said for one thing she is a T and i come to see her to get help.that i need to see that her being angry with me for something is never going to be helpful.this seemed to make sense. i was able to tell her that it was like i just see things as different.sometimes it is how she looks ,or sounds,or how she acts.she explained that no one can ever act the same way. that maybe she has a soar throat that made her sound different. that there could be many reasons a person is different.but she said it is important to her for me to be able to tell her.she was so genuine when she said this.it made me feel like i had the most caring T in the world.i don't know why but it really made me feel like she wanted to help me. that somehow she knew how.it felt good. then she asked if i was able to tell the difference between when i am there and grounded and when i have that fuzzy feeling and not really being there now how does she know about that i have never ever told her about that at all because i don't want her to take that away from me.not ever. i think she saw my panic and said it was OK that she just also wants to know when i feel like that. i remember T telling me i needed to stay with them if i didn't they would pump me up with drugs. i know she isn't about that but even anyone talking about that scares me.i just told her that today i am here .all she said was OK.

i actually told her about how i am having bad mornings and she seemed to understand and said that she knows it hasn't/t been easy and that i probably feel like a pawn to all this. she was so sweet.why cant i always see her like this. she said she wants to help me balance out the good days and bad so i don't feel so much like a pawn . i want her to be this T. the one i see today.

we then talked about the Teddy i brought that my son gave me and how i am nervous about his next post because he is an embassy guard.today was a good session and she smiled at me

First of all, WOOHOOOOOOOOO I knew you could do it! WOO!

OK, to address the bold parts:
1: Being scared to give the wrong answer/don't know what the right answer is: There is NEVER a wrong answer in therapy. All she is trying to do is figuring out how you tick The only job you have is to be honest. She may not always agree with you, but that is ok. Isn't it a good thing that she comes from a more objective source by letting you know that she has no reason to be angry with you? When you were so definitive in your thinking that she was? I am SO GLAD that she stuck with that from last session and didn't let it just go away unspoken.

2.I bolded this AND made it bigger If anything print this part out and tape it in your mirror to look at in the morning. It is so true.

3. No one can take that away from you, and the one T you saw maybe had a different myriad of reasons to "pump you full of drugs." This was a different time, you were a different person, and this was a different T. Was this in the hospital? If so, those rules are completely different and their purpose is to stabilize. Also, does your T even prescribe drugs? Even if so, you have the power here. No one can force them on you. It is a GOOD thing that she notices that you dissociate. It can be very helpful in making sure you aren't overwhelemed, but in the long run isn't the best coping mechanism. Anyway i think she just wanted you to become more aware when it is happening and letting her know too. That is important information.

Granite: You are getting stronger and stronger in therapy, and increasing your voice (literally and figuratively). Keep on keepin' on.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Granite, seriously, print out this post and tape it somewhere that you can reread when you start getting back into that "T is mad at me and wants to get rid of me" thinking. Today you were able to see and think clearly about your T. That is wonderful.

YES.

[stopdog]

I am pleased to hear it went well.

[googley]

This is so wonderful.

I am so glad this happened. I agree with farmergirl that you should print this out and keep it. So that when you are feeling nervous about your relationship with your t you can look at it.

I am so glad you have got to this point with your T. This post made me feel like I wanted to cry with happiness for you.

As to your T knowing when you are not grounded, that can sometimes be seen by other people when they are paying as much attention as a T is. My t can usually tell when I'm not grounded during session (but not always). I'm not surprised your T can tell that without you telling her. Most Ts are not going to give you drugs because you are not grounded in session. That is not a usual treatment (at least these days, in the past it was a different situation).

Continue to take care of yourself.

great job Granite....i love love love that you had a great session.

[SallyBrown]

Granite, this seriously makes me so happy. So very glad for you

[pbutton]

Excellent It seems like the more you talk to her, the better your session ends up.

[unaluna]

me too! an how did bearamy like his session!

[rainbow8]

I am in a bad mood but your post makes me happy!!!!I just LOVE the chance to use these dancing chillis!!

That sounds wonderful granite. I'm so happy for you!!!!!

[WikidPissah]

dang, that's good stuff. Ride the wave chickie...you deserve it.

I'm so happy for you Granite.... definitely print out your post!!!

[granite1]

thanks everyone .i'm feeling good today things are good

[granite1]

i just read all your responces again .thank you all. trying to figure out why this session was differnt why my T was differnt. what did i do differnt. i want to feel this way again .understood and not hopeless,calm.like things could be ok.like she gets it