Officially in the "termination phase" (long)

11:45 PM

So I had an amazing session with t this evening. First we talked about the dreams I brought (two from last time we didn't get to, and two more from the past 2 weeks since I saw her last) and my interpretations of them, and she looked at me after I had read it all to her, and she goes "You are REALLY good at this!" I thanked her and said with a smile "well I had a good teacher!" And she did have a little bit of input in the last of the dreams, as far as interpretation, she went in a direction I hadn't thought of, thinking that there was something that I wasn't getting from her in therapy that I needed.

(Um. Well, except for that elusive hug from her that I can never seem to ask her for, there's nothing.) But did I admit that? No, of course not. More on that later.

So after we got done talking about that stuff it was 6:30. How time flies there!! Anyway right up to zero hour I was still trying to figure out a delicate way of saying I want to terminate, but hadn't thought of one, so in my newly confident style I just threw it on out there something along the lines of "well I've been thinking lately about starting the process of cutting you loose, lady!"

well that was certainly anything but delicate wasn't it? I did apologize for the way I said it but she said no, there's nothing taboo here, you can say anything however you need or want to say it.

And then she asked me (and stopdog you'll appreciate the irony of this part of the convo) if it was a money thing. I told her (quite honestly) that no, it wasn't. And I also said I'm not saying I'm just gonna say "so long" tonight and never come back. She said I'm glad to hear that because it's very beneficial to have this place that's 'safe' to discuss and toss around ideas etc. And she said that our relationship is changing, we are becoming more like equals. And she asked me to talk more about why I want to start the termination process. So I explained to her how the week off in August when she was on vacation, and last week I requested to have 'off', how both of those 2 week periods w/out coming to see her I felt so... free. She smiled when I said that. And she said she sort of sensed this was coming. (I knew she would.) She told me that sometimes the termination phase of therapy can last quite awhile. I told her well, no, I don't want mine to. I don't have a date in mind or anything but I don't want to still be here a year from now. I also told her another reason I bring it up is that we've never talked about it. And I know I can't keep coming here forever!! I did admit that I don't want to become dependent. And stopdog are you reading this? She used that "P" word that you are having frustration over. She said "It's a process and blah blah blah" I failed to hear the rest of that sentence because I was thinking about our debate last night so I had to ask her to repeat it. But by then it was 6:50 and time to go so we agreed to talk more about it next week. And, she said let's see what your dreams tell you about it this week.

I was thinking on the way home, that while tonite I did admit that I don't want to become dependent on her, I am very happy right now with the amount of working through my dreams and other stuff on my own, I feel strong and capable and like I got this, but I didn't admit everything. I realize that next week, I need to be woman enough to also admit that part of it comes from me not wanting to love her any more than I already do. So I sense another discussion about transference being part of the process rearing it's annoying lil head.

All in all though it was a very positive, uplifting session and we're going to talk a lot more about this new phase next week. Then she'll be on vacation the following week, and we may just taper off gradually and skip every other week. I don't know yet. But she did agree with me that we are officially in the termination phase.

Next week I might even admit that I want a hug!!