[OliversTwisted94]

Alright, so I just got done with a session with my therapist. I don't know what to make of it, though; we discussed some things, talked about the problems I have been experiencing lately..... and then we drifted off into what my actual diagnosis is. We talked, and she said that when she first started with me nearly two years ago she, and my other counselor at the time, thought I was dealing with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. Now, I have been diagnosed with MANY things over the last few years; it seems they would change something every time I was admitted into the hospital. But today, she told me that she was considering a new diagnosis- Borderline Personality Disorder. But I read over the description on this site, and it sounds nothing like me. Granted, there are tidbits that could be linked to this disorder... but I really don't think it sounds like me. I will review these here:
-The first thing listed is Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
I find that I do get a little scared of change, especially when it comes to people like therapists; but I really don't feel that I frantically try to avoid it. I don't like when I have to say goodbye to someone I like; but I realize that sometimes, you just have to let them go. Conclusion: Don't like "abandonment" or saying goodbye to loved ones, but don't cling to them or try to make them stay.
-A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
Yes, my relationships can be unstable to a degree; but this is usually the result of a fight (i.e.-I get along great with my mom, but sometimes she can be very myopic and oblivious) or somebody doing something sweet (i.e.- My mom bringing me home chocolate because I am experiencing PMS). But are they alternating between extremes like that? I don't believe they are. I can be happy with someone, or be mad at someone, or be sad because of something someone did; but my actual perception of that person isn't going to change because of a silly fight or something. I actually believe I tend to be set in my ways, and am reluctant to change my view on someone, unless they do something horrendous and inexcusable (i.e.-torturing and killing people or animals) {The latter was a joke. I don't actually know anyone who tortures animals or people}
-Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self.
Okay, I will admit to having an unstable image of myself- physically. I tend to be really zany when it comes to things like hair and makeup, but I'm still young so I think it's acceptable . As a person, I have pretty solid, unchanging morals and values; and as for changing my goals and aspirations, well, like I said: I am still young. I have a lot of different things to consider when it comes to my future. Do I want a fun, exciting career that I know may be financially unstable; or do I want a financially stable career that interests me still, just not as much. And other things, like religious views and sexuality.... I think that it's all a part of "finding yourself" as a young person. The only thing that I can link this too is my therapist observing me look into career options, or her seeing that I do things in stages (i.e.- I will do a certain leisure activity for a period of time, give it up for a while, only to come back to it in a few weeks). But the latter is for a different reason; it's hard to explain, but I can only describe it as a sudden feeling of not understanding that topic. It happens when I draw a lot; I will suddenly be inspired by something, pick up my pencil and start drawing during all my free time..... only to try one day and feel like I "can't" anymore. I don't know if it's the same thing or not, so if you have an opinion on this particular part, please share it.
-Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
Okay, here again; I Don't think that I am particularly impulsive about most things; I have always considered myself as an "over thinker". Even when I feel the urge to do something "impulsive", such as cutting, I usually mull it over for a few hours before I do it. I tend to over think things, even when I talk to people; it's like I need to "absorb" the question before I give an answer. That aside, I will admit to abusing certain medications before- but not a whole lot. (It was more of an experimentation of sorts... "Wow, if you do take more of the recommended dose of painkillers, you DO get pretty loopy" ). I DID use to binge eat more when I was younger, but I was ALWAYS hungry (we later discovered that this was most likely a result of my hypothyroidism, which at the time was undiagnosed/untreated)
-Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
Okay, this is the only one I can absolutely agree with her on; I do, unfortunately, experience persistent suicidal thoughts and self-harming tendencies. When I feel suicidal, I give fair warning, because I want help and to work through the issues. I sometimes don't know where they come from; I just am frequently depressed, and when it comes down to feeling suicidal, it's because I want to "escape" the pain.
-Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood.
Yes, I am emotionally unstable. From reading the more detailed description of this part, I find that the "basic dysphoric mood of those with Borderline Personality Disorder is often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, or despair and is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction" is fairly accurate in the sense that, when I am depressed (which I admit is frequently), I do indeed get brief intervals of irritability, despair, and sometimes panic-like feelings (not exactly panic though; more like "high anxiety"). Again, any thoughts on this part is appreciated, as I can't follow exactly what they mean. (They being this site).
- Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Not particularly..... I will feel hollow from time to time, but this is usually following a LONG crying spell or something like that. I really think that this is kind of like an emotional burn-out; where I feel to many strong feelings for too long, to the point where I am just emotionally exhausted.
-Inappropriate, intense anger.
Hmmmmmm..... I do get really bitc*y now and again, but when people annoy me (i.e.- My mom harping on me about something I already intended on doing)it can be really hard not to snap at them. Then again, I'm not really a "people person"; that is, I tend to be a bit misanthropic about humanity, and when someone bothers me, well ALL the more reason not to like them . But even this is a private thing, that I only do around my family. I wouldn't punch some random dude in the face because they cut in front of me at the checkout counter. I would be more apt to roll my eyes and scoff or do a *tsk tsk* kind of noise to myself.
-Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptom.
My therapist has explained to me that the "spacey" feelings I get sometimes are called dissociating. I get these infrequently (once or twice a month, unless I am under a lot of stress; then it can up to a few times a week) and they last a few hours (I would say no more than 6-8 hours TOPS) but usually fade after I ignore the stressor(s) for a while. I don't really get this way when I am "abandoned" as the description says; I tend to get this way when I am frustrated with myself, my mood, or when I remember/think about certain things for an extended period of time.

Anywho, that concludes my explanation. Please feel free to comment as I would welcome any advice; if you have been diagnosed with BPD, feel free to share your experiences and opinions. I just want to get an accurate diagnosis (after five or so years of struggling with my mental health, that would just be great. I want to know so I can help myself feel better )

[OliversTwisted94]

Oh, and sorry this post was so ungodly long

[sugahorse1]

I've personally explored that possible ex for myself at lengths to - it's a tricky one

Mt T and I agreed that in my younger days ( late teens early 20's ) this would have been appropriate but it seems I have out grown some of the signs, but not all. I think its hard to be labelled as the "one size fits all" mentality is not always true. I don't think the name is the important part, its what the issues are, recognizing them and attempting to fix them ..that is the key to a DX , for me. You don't have to agree or BE your DX..... Good Luck

Talk to your therapist about your concerns. Be honest with her. Tell her what you have posted here. You have the right to know EXACTLY why you were diagnosed with this condition. It may even help you identify issues.

Other conditions can resemble BPD such as ADD/ADHD, especially if identity issues and impulsivity are present. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with BPD because I struggled with suicidal thoughts, anger and self harm. After 3.5 years, the behaviors stopped and never reocurred. Later on I discovered other disorders that explained my behavior and feelings so it is worth looking into other possibilities. Anyway, it can really help with therapy.

Like you I did not fit most of the criteria and questioned the diagnosis.

Everybody has traits of BPD at some point in their life. Stress can make us do things we have never done before. It is a part of being human.

An unhealthy environment can definitely cause BPD like behaviours and symptoms. Eg. group homes, jails and hospitals. Sometimes leaving such an environment will cause the BPD symptoms to resolve on their own.

BPD characteristics in many people disappear once they accept who they are. Everyone is different and finds their place at their own time. Identity does not stop developing and refining itself at 18. We are dynamic.

The diagnosis does not mean you are a lost cause. Don't ever let anyone tell you that.

Originally Posted by wiltedrose2394

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
Okay, this is the only one I can absolutely agree with her on; I do, unfortunately, experience persistent suicidal thoughts and self-harming tendencies. When I feel suicidal, I give fair warning, because I want help and to work through the issues. I sometimes don't know where they come from; I just am frequently depressed, and when it comes down to feeling suicidal, it's because I want to "escape" the pain.

This will almost always indicate BPD, at least on the superficial level. Suicide attempts that are non-lethal (eg. An OD of 7, 0.5 mg lorazepam tablets), that involve notifying another person of the attempt for rescue purposes and fleeing the emergency department highly suggest the disorder.

It is better to ask for help from your therapist than resorting to these behaviours. Have you explored alternatives with your therapist to help you cope with your strong feelings? Self harm and suicidal ideation are not healthy ways to cope; they should never be the default response.

Do you self harm to regulate emotions?

Originally Posted by wiltedrose2394

Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood.Yes, I am emotionally unstable. From reading the more detailed description of this part, I find that the "basic dysphoric mood of those with Borderline Personality Disorder is often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, or despair and is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction" is fairly accurate in the sense that, when I am depressed (which I admit is frequently), I do indeed get brief intervals of irritability, despair, and sometimes panic-like feelings (not exactly panic though; more like "high anxiety"). Again, any thoughts on this part is appreciated, as I can't follow exactly what they mean. (They being this site).

One of the core features of BPD is abrupt and frequent emotional changes. Usually this is due to interpersonal relationships. It is different from Bipolar Disorder since the emotional states are short in duration. BPD is an emotional dysregulation condition that differs from a mood disorder. It is a way of coping.

If you are female, have you considered hormonal fluctuations? If the moodiness occurs before menses, there may be other treatment options for you. It may even be solely due to that.

[autotelica]

Being diagnosed with a personality disorder is a tough one. It took a while for me to really understand what it meant. If someone has an Axis I, you can say they are a nice person, despite the depression (or the anxiety or the schizophrenia). But when it's your personality that's messed-up, what then?

As I've gotten used to my PD diagnosis and then accepted another, I'm starting to realize that some diagnoses should be viewed as general outlines. Kind of like those Meyers-Briggs alphabets. It's a guideline. It tells the practitioner, "if this person presents with X, then they may likely also have Y and Z, too." This helps them anticipate stuff so that they aren't just treating symptoms as they crop up.

But it is stigmitizing, and when I got my label(s), I went through the gamut of emotions. But now I'm like "yeah, whatever, doesn't matter!" If having a label facilitates me getting help, then I'm not going to argue about it. But I don't have to wear a sandwich board announcing it to the world, nor do I have to even talk about it in therapy. As you evolve, your chart should too.

[carly011]

I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety.

DBT therapy is VERY helpful with BPD, my DBT therapist told me BPD is one of the "Best" personality disorders to have because with a lot of work and therapy you can be "cured"

Basically with BPD you have trouble regulating emotions.

Talk to your therapist if you really dont think you have it though!