I fell apart in T's arms

after I asked for a hug. She just held me and stroked my hair while I cried.

I had meant for it to be a regular (brief) hug, but something broke inside me and I ended up wrapping my arms around her and not letting go for like ten minutes. After I stopped crying, I just listened to her heart beat and let myself feel comforted.

But now I feel like I stole something, I am embarrassed by my behavior and feel like I took advantage of her hugging me in the first place, bc I had like a death grip around her and I didn't let go (I got two hugs) and ended up making her stay 20-30 minutes after our session (sitting on the porch steps of her office).

I feel like I should pay for the extra half hour. And never cry like that in T again.

Tentative, that is so sweet! You don't need to feel bad about this or your behaviour! You needed a hug it is part of your healing! Never be ashamed to show your vulnerable side lo therapy!

that was a huge step. you've had an insanely hard time lately. as have I, both of us being in the hospital and all. I asked my T this week, when does the little girl in me get to cry?

((( TC )))

I certainly don't think you are at fault for needing comfort, therapy can be real hard work and of course is all about emotions. I am a little concerned though that your therapist crossed a line by kissing you on the forehead. Could this be why you feel embarrassed. Kissing someone on the forehead is like a parent - child action and doesn't sit well with me. I don't feel any therapist should be kissing any of their clients on the forehead but it would be good for you to discuss this at length with your T.

I hope you're feeling better now. I probably should have been in the hospital this week. I was so angry. I cut i my T session (when T was out of the room).

I spent my whole T session being evil to her and yelling at her and her response was to give me hot tea and massage my feet and let me cry in her arms. I am a horrible person to my T.

No, I was not embarrassed or upset by the kiss. Only that I made the hug awkward by crying and not letting her go.

Despite the converse feelings. This is Good - it says you felt safe and secure with your therapist at that moment - TRUST is building. I am in this process of building trust right now. Trust is hard to do when our primary caregiver (usually mom) failed us when we were babies, but it is essential so we can finally build a safe and secure base - an internal secure self - so that we can experience the world in a more normal way.

I tell my therapist I feel "too" good when she is holding me, then I don't want it. I am not deserving of feeling this way. I have to fight this, but many times I end up fighting my therapist. She always reassures me that she can take care of herself.

I think you are one of the lucky ones whose therapist understands the importance of touch when it comes to attachment issues. Allow yourself to take it in, and see if you can stop fighting it.

Tenitive I am so with you. That is so me. I don't allow my T or anyone to get that close. Not even my H. Some times our bodies know what we need more then our mind does. At church once we were members of the week and people came by and shook our (my H and I) hands and gave hugs. With each person that hugged me it became harder and harder to fight that human need for touch. Only when my brother in law saw my pain associated with the hugs, did he wisper to me w/ a hug. I'm sorry you are hurting. I came slightly unglued. Thinkgoodness he was the last person in line. Other than a bad day there was no other reason to have this reaction. Our bodies often know better than we do what we need.

lol, I feel EXACTLY like this. That I don't deserve for her to be nice to me me like this. And I tell her to stop and I get angry that I liked it and I say mean things trying to make her mad so she won't want to do it anymore.

This Ani Difranco lyric kind of explains for me how I feel about it:

I just wanna put down all the pressures
And feel how I really feel
Just show me a moment that is mine
Its beauty blinding and unsurpassed
Make me forget every moment that went by
And left me so half-hearted
Cuz i felt it so half-assed

Like I felt it so intensely bc I dropped my walls and let what I was feeling out, and let what she was offering in.

Sorry for hijacking your thread TC.

Peg., will you help me understand how a therapist kissing a client on the forehead and/or cheek crosses a line and also who wrote that line and where is it written. I read a study somewhere that back in 1987, 28% of therapist had kissed their clients on occasion, and 44% of therapist thought it unethical. Fast forward 25 years later...

My therapist has not kissed me, but often does forehead to forehead, and we rub noses. She will also hold me for an hour or more if that's what I feel I need. Four days ago I almost kissed my therapist on the neck - coming from the place of a little child - but I kept hearing voices saying I'm crossing boundaries. Except what boundaries - I don't know? Aren't many boundaries an individual thing, with the exception of sexual boundaries when it comes to therapy? I was planning to have a discussion with my therapist about her kissing me on the cheek, but I would also like to hear more from you. Thank you.

I think TC is very lucky to have such a carrying therapist.

I don't wish to hijack the thread either but I do feel genuine concern. Maybe we do things differently here in the UK but there are safety and ethical issues with this. I think appropriate touch is important to someone in distress but it does need to be appropriate. Alot of people in therapy are vulnerable and some may not have full capacity to make informed decisions. I feel it is up to the therapist to keep good boundaries, not iron-clad, but safe boundaries. The wrong signals can lead to more harm than good.

Maybe this can be discussed more in a new thread.

its ok, you can talk about it here if you want, I don't mind.

And my opinion: it was a very...maternal kind of thing, not sexual- so how could it send a wrong signal? The only signal I got was that my t cared about me and how upset I was in that moment very much. And I felt comforted, instead of having to imagine I was comforted. It made me feel like I matter.

Exactly TC! That is how it is suppose to make you feel. If we had had this care on a continuous basis in the first three to four years of our lives we would not have to get it from our therapist now. Until we can get it, and take it in, we will continue to have unsatisfactory relationship with others, and more importantly - a poor relationship with self.

TC, you are so lucky for having such a caring T! Not many people have this chance! I liked a lot my T but I never had the chance of a hug, although what I would have liked was to express my gratitude more than be comforted. I didn't have the chance to cry, didn't have the occasion to say a face-to-face good-bye. I realized on my own skin that self-hurting (in my own way) doesn't lead to anything, it's a dead-end street, so I stopped.
From what you've described here, that T, that woman really cares about you!
Don't over analyze the situation, don't think that you don't deserve it, enjoy it and use that positive energy for building yourself, building self confidence and strength for the future!

Hugs

Your T is awesome! If you are worried, email her and ask her to bill you for the extra half hour. At least if you offer you'll feel better. However, it seems like it was a very beautiful and healing moment and i'm glad you go it.

Yes, my T would see it as unethical. Many things I've talked about seeing here she feels that way about, even if they sound appealing to me. I'm glad she has the ethical standards she does, because that is a source of comfort and makes me feel cared for.

Hi Tentative,
This is such a big step for you! I'm so glad you allowed yourself this chance to let everything out and let your t be there for you!

My T does somatic/body work. A lot of things somatic T's do, a traditional psychotherapist would find unethical or boundary violations.

But understanding of the psyche is evolving, and it is becoming more accepted that there IS a place for touch within the therapeutic setting. It just takes a brave T to implement it in our litigious society. It is viewed as too risky, as "license threatening behavior."

So I think it is very much a case by case kind of thing to offer...cause we do like to sue people over dumb **** like "oh she hugged me and kissed my forehead, I felt loved and safe and cared for like I've never felt before in my life, but now I want you to revoke her license and ruin her life."

That kind of thing is BS but it happens every day, and THAT is what T's who site ethics are afraid of and are hiding behind. In my opinion. (But you cant blame them).

I wish my t would do this to me as I have never had anyone to do this to me and I imagine it would feel nice:-)

Ah, thank you for explaining TC.

My T has had minimal contact w/ me. She was trying to demonstrate to my H how to use touch to calm fears and express your needs in a way that makes them heard. He didn't understand. Knowing how I am with touch and personal space. The T asked "May I touch you and demonstrate". I said yes. It was weird to have someone touch me. But it didn't kill me, I lived to tell. She put her hand on top of mine, got eye level w/ me, and said tomorrow if you get a chance can you clean out the car. Nice. Ordinarily my H would say tomorrow I want that car clean. Touch does have it's place in the T's office. I do not think yours did wrong in anyway. I agree if it makes you feel better offer to pay for an extra half hour. Maybe make/buy brownies attatch a note think you for your sweetness. I gave one of my T's an aloe plant and made a little card. Thanking her for her healing touch and here was something to help her heal when she needed it. She almost cryed.

lol I dunno about the brownies, but we have a SWEET tea thing...I might bring her a starbucks tea and a whole box of sugar in the raw, lol.

I like to follow up kindness with kindness. So I'd totally see myself doing the sweet tea thing.

Re kissing. My therapist has only kissed me once. She's hugged me a ton, but the kiss I will never forget. There are universal boundaries that all should therapist uphold, and then there are the optional ones. As long as not too many of the optional ones are breached, I say it's all good.

It seems like you're making good progress letting go of your reservations, TC. This is a good sign!

I'm envious that never happened to me. I can't imagine my T stroking my hair for any reason.

If my therapist stroked my hair, I'd tell her to quit messing with my fro, yo!