Rules on saying "I love you"

there is always trouble in "our" relationship-bc I am a part of it.

I told T I loved him over the phone. Mind you it was through tears..
He has told me he cares for m a great deal, and shows me all the time.
I think he loves me though. I can feel it and know by his actions.

I emailed my T before and told her thank you for making me feel loved.

((TC))

The first time I told T I loved him it was in an email and I said I loved him like the parent I didn't have growing up. He emailed me back and told me it wasn't a bad thing (because of course I freaked after I sent it) he told me it was an endearing feeling.

I said it one other time in email. Last week at like 3 am in a long email... I said I loved him and I never wanted to lose him as my therapist. I was over medicated, so it just came out.

He responded and reassured me he wasn't going to abandon me for the "last" time.

Well, we only have each day in front of us... Will you regret not saying it? My T once said to me(this is the reverse), "Well, you know that I love you, don't you?"
I was the one who did not know what to say, lol! Now I tell her every now and then or she says it to me. Even if you tell your T and don't get the same response back, your T will know how you feel.

I wanted it, and expected it to be said. She never said it to her therapy clients. She is easy to talk to, so it was pretty easy to bring up. We discussed it, and I gave her my view about therapist saying I love you, and she gave me her thoughts about it. She would only say that she "cared" about me, her clients etc. It was so generic, and I told her these same reasons would apply if Jeffery Dahmer (unmasked) was her client. She disagreed, but she also saw how clients would see it my way. Anyway, I vowed never to say, I love you (used love as a salutation to her in an email once) to someone that could not say it to me.

Well, she said she would think about her position. She did, and she talked to colleagues, friends, etc. and ended up changing her view. She now says, "I love you," often to me, and it's music to my ears, and I feel it. When Mom, and Dad say it, it goes in one ear, and out the other - yes I know they love me, but I don't feel loved, and never have.

Here is one of our emails from Friday:

GTGT - "I just wanted to tell you I love you!"

Therapist - "Love you too."

When the mood hits me I send her an I love you email with the subject: Just Because. She always responds to these emails.

Is it? I'm honestly asking that as a question to others. I see nothing wrong with saying "I love you" to a T-- I think that makes sense. I even signed an e-mail to my T with "Love, ScorpioSis." But, in my personal life, there have been quite a few times when I've been told "I love you" and it was NOT nice to hear. Instead, it made me feel gross and violated and like I wanted to run away. Am I alone in having this experience?

I can't believe you would be alone in feeling this. If those words, like any other words, were ever used against you in any way, or combined with an action that was not loving, or somehow used to take away your control, I think it would be natural to respond as you have. They could easily be a trigger of the feelings from the original experience.

Thankfully, I never had that sort of experience. For me, it was the absence of ever hearing those words as a child. It made it very difficult for me to ever say those words. Even though I've grown past that, I still often cry when someone says to me, "I love you." I think it's just that the words have an exaggerated power for me, but ultimately, a positive power. And maybe it's also why I despise it when I hear people say, "Luv Ya!" because it trivializes the experience to me.

There is no "original expereince" for me. As a kid, I didn't hear "I love you" enough so I have a similar reaction of wanting to cry/melt/smile whenever someone I love says "I love you" to me. I really like hearing it when the feeling is mutual. I like it when my dad and friends say it, and I would like it if T said it.

However, as an adult, when someone I don't love says "I love you" to me, it feels yucky and gross and I can't get away fast enough. It's usually combined with them wanting to hug or touch or kiss me, which feels extremely violating. I can't handle unwanted energy coming at me-- whether it's romantic or platonic. It's even worse when they pressure me to say to say "I love you" back or to show some kind of affection towards them, or get mad at me for not returning the sentiment. It makes me feel pressured and uncomfortable and unsafe.

(Sorry if I'm "hijacking" here-- not my intention-- wasn't sure whether or not to start a new thread)

Can't remember if i replied to this one or not.

Where I live you definitely arent allowed to say i love you to a therapist or the therapist say it to you. It is overstepping the professional boundary. If you talk like this in sessions and anyone finds out about it, the therapist is immediately struck off and will probably never get a job again in that industry. They are very strict about that here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonelybychoice
Obviously it´s a nice thing to be told "I love you."

Scorps: Is it? I'm honestly asking that as a question to others. I see nothing wrong with saying "I love you" to a T-- I think that makes sense. I even signed an e-mail to my T with "Love, ScorpioSis." But, in my personal life, there have been quite a few times when I've been told "I love you" and it was NOT nice to hear. Instead, it made me feel gross and violated and like I wanted to run away. Am I alone in having this experience?

Maybe I wrote that the wrong way. What wasn´t quoted was that.." I prefer actions over words" ...Meaning that,for different reasons I have had negative experiences being told " I love you ", too.

I still think it´s a nice thing to say BUT I have experienced it having the opposite effect to. Mostly in close relationships, though.

Seems pretty reasonable to me. You may be a little more sensitive to this than some others, but as you describe it, it does sound a bit invasive to me--so feeling negatively seems reasonable to me.

If you ever watched "Seinfeld" there was an episode that treated this humorously (of course, as a comedy) in which characters dealt with the awkwardness of who says it first, the obligatory worry if you don't also feel it, and finally, one character saying it--and then obsessing because he doesn't know for sure if the other person heard him!

It's a loaded phrase, for sure.

I find this terribly sad
I understand boundaries,and professionalism. But still... So sad.

No, you are not alone. Not at all. Something about me often attracts people who like me a lot more than I like them. I also get very grossed out by unwanted energy.

Where is that?

I tell t that I love him and I want him to tell me back but it doesn't really happen. He told me one time that he "loved me." He mostly say's he is particularly "fond" of me. I have a strong need for reassurance and warmth from him and it doesn't work so well. Whenever we have these conversations, like last night, it is very vulnerable and painful. It sucks to care and love and cherish someone so much and not have those feelings reciprocated. T always validates my vulnerability and crap but it just plain out feels bad.

Me too. My T used to try to answer, but I never believed her and would continue to press for a "real" answer, so now she doesn't even bother.

She says I am looking for words to comfort me, but nothing she says will do that bc I don't believe her anyway, so I will just have to "accept" it. (her being nice to me, her not feeling I am a waste if time.)

She has never said she loves me, though.

I wonder if it really helps for a T to say, "You never believe me", or "You never remember", or (worst of all) "You never listen."

lol, you gotta feel for my T. I ask the questions several times a session on repeat, like a 3 year old asks "Why" endlessly.

I even ask why a lot, too. She has been patient and consistent giving the same answer different ways, but I still am not "hearing" it, (believing) and so now she says she's not answering anymore bc I ignore her answers anyway. She says the only answer I will believe is a negative one, in which she would say something like "I'm only telling you I like you bc its my job" and she's not going to do that so I have to deal.

Besides, I'd rather have a hug that says "I care about you and how you feel" than the words "I care about you and how you feel" because the hug is warmer and it chips away at my defensive walls a little bit more.

I think hugs are wonderful for anxious patients because they bypass the verbal part of the brain. Hugs are easier to believe and more difficult to misinterpret. At least that's how it was for me.

i must be special, then, bc i can misinterpret ANYTHING it seems... but the hugs i dont have to think about. I just try to focus on the warmth and the comfort and let it leech into me for a few seconds until its gone. t says thats the best way... soak up her caring a little bit at a time, until i can let in more and more at a time without panicking or pushing it away or feeling the need to defend myself.

Is it in the UK? I've had an experience with the UK system (very good, but not nice ending).