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#1
Nov 06, 2012, 09:42 PM
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I am not a crying person. I havent cried much since my breakdown. I cried a lot when I was a kid but then i sort of ran out of tears or got sick of it or something and so i stopped. But its back!
I am normally pretty numb and dont really give a rats about anything. They put my Seroquel down by 25mg, and I am not sure if that is the culprit or what. But OMG. I watch a movie, I cry. I read posts on here about the horrible things that happened to people as a child and i cry. I listen to music and i cry. I feel like one of those hormonal women that just cry over everything. WTF! Is it good or bad that I am crying? I'm not sure. I don't feel any more depressed than before.. its the same. I can turn it off pretty quick but it is very humiliating to start in the first place. I cannot tell why I am crying in the moment.. it is not linked to any thought or emotion. I can just see what I was doing at the time of the crying and assume that is the cause. I am supposed to be "getting in touch with my emotions" or something like that (in therapy) so maybe this is part of it? We haven't really done anything of substance in therapy so that is why I am doubting that. Should I go back to the pdoc and get him to put my seroquel back up again? Or should I leave it? I have no idea. Crying is a symptom of depression so maybe it means my depression is getting worse. Or maybe it means i am "getting in touch with my emotions" so i should leave it be. It depends who i ask. If I ask the pdoc he will say "put the medication back up, this crying is bad" but if i ask the therapist she will say "leave it down, this crying is good". Who is right? Who is wrong? Who do I believe? |
 Anonymous32732, Anonymous33425, LiveThroughThis
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#2
Nov 06, 2012, 09:49 PM
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Quote:
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#3
Nov 06, 2012, 10:59 PM
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We aren't really dredging up anything. She was off last week (havent seen her this week yet.. friday). Then before that i was only seeing her once a fortnight for a while because she had training. When i see her its not really anything deep, its pretty much surface chit chat. But it is schema therapy so i dunno if she has been doing something behind the scenes (that i cannot observe) that has caused me to be like this. If that was the case then i would just stay on the same dose of meds and keep going since its part of therapy.
I can't ask her straight up because she will not tell me if she has been doing something. I have tried it many times before but they just will not budge on that, lol  I can kind of understand.. they dont want to give the game away otherwise it wont be effective.
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#4
Nov 07, 2012, 01:36 AM
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My gut reaction is that this is good. I think you've said that you've had a lot of anger going on in the past, and anger is a really powerful emotion that can hide the more vulnerable emotions. I've read that you can't feel fear and anger at the same time.
But tears .... tears are sadness and vulnerability, which I think is what most of us fear the most. Certainly true for me!! So I truly think your crying is a real sign of progress!!! Let it out! In my own therapy I've felt all different sorts of emotions, but the one at the bottom, the deepest most profound emotion, is tears and sadness, and at this point I'm the most vulnerable, the most wounded. I usually start out with anger, and once that's expressed, I usually work my way down to sadness and helplessness and hurt and the tears just keep coming. IDK - I really believe that whatever the emotion is, just let it come and let it out. All things pass eventually. |
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#5
Nov 07, 2012, 01:42 AM
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Quote:
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#6
Nov 07, 2012, 01:52 AM
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Quote:
 That's what I think.
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
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#7
Nov 07, 2012, 06:01 AM
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True guys, very true. Well the T wants me to cry and be vulnerable in therapy so it makes sense what you are all saying. Come to think of it, I havent' been all that angry in about a month or so. So maybe the other stuff is being revealed! I might just stay on this dose for now, and talk to the T on Friday and see what she thinks. I don't want to ruin it if it is the therapy working! Thanks guys!!
I watched a bit of Muriel's Wedding on Youtube and omogod... I was crying myself a river! Totally out of character for me haha.. crying over a movie. Wow. And its a comedy! (but it has the emotional bits and that's what set me off lol). And I was reading someones post on here about their bad relationship and I was crying my darn head off. |
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#8
Nov 07, 2012, 10:49 AM
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It's entirely possible that the reduction in your Seroquel dose is allowing you to feel emotions that it helped to mask before.
Crying isn't either good or bad, really. You might find it useful to understand why you feel it's humiliating to cry. I think that's more important than whether or not you do cry. That was one of the first things T and I tackled - my hating (with the white-hot-intensity-of-a-thousand-suns kind of hate) to cry in front of people. For me, it came from being told to "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" as a child. Clearly, I didn't have the "right" to cry and clearly, nothing I thought was cry-worthy really was, so my mind was all screwed up about it. T helped me to understand why I felt that way and turn it around so that it was okay to show people your emotions. |
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#9
Nov 07, 2012, 02:21 PM
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Cry your little eyes out for as long as you need to! Wash out those dusty hurt corners of your soul with those salty tears!!! Cry cry cry Kazza, because the anger was pent up emotion and now you are releasing it and unburdening yourself.
xx
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
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#10
Nov 07, 2012, 03:23 PM
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Some women (eg my wife) cry not because they are sad but because they are angry.
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
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#11
Nov 07, 2012, 05:24 PM
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>> Crying is a symptom of depression so maybe it means my depression is getting worse.
not always. Depression in my experience is dry; very dry, very cold. (((((((((((((( kazza )))))))))))) |
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#12
Nov 07, 2012, 06:49 PM
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Muriel's Wedding definitely has some cry-worthy parts in it. I wince at the scene where Muriel ignores her mother at the wedding.
I know what you mean about crying = depression, but I get really emotionally constipated when I am depressed. Which makes it really hard for me to realize that I'm depressed! Around this time last year, I told my pdoc that I was feeling apathy and numb, and he upped my dosage of Wellbutrin. Shortly afterwards, I went to see The Lion King the musical. I could not stop CRYING (and laughing and smiling). It was an amazing feeling, but yes, it was also kind of scary. Maybe if you let it stay in your system a little while longer, you will acclimate to it and your emotions with smooth out some. |
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#13
Nov 07, 2012, 07:48 PM
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When I was a kid I used to cry when I was angry cuz I wasn't allowed to do anything else. And when I cried they put me in my room until I cried myself to sleep. It was the done thing in the 80s. I think I find it humiliating because I don't like people to know that something they did/said has directly had an emotional effect on me. That to me is unacceptable. I like to be that rock type of person where you could say anything you want to, and it bounces right off. Sort of like "I don't care about you enough to give a damn about what you're saying".
To me crying is like advertising that you have this huge weak spot. Cuz when people know what your weak spot is, they go in for the kill for their own selfish reasons. And they can manipulate you with this weak spot from then on in, forever. You are trapped and controlled. So I guess I believe that if they dont know what your weak spot is, they can't hold anything over you. I think I got this from my parents and brother because whenever they wanted something they would just go in and press my buttons (weak spot) until they got what they wanted. Or if they were angry at me, they would push my buttons for revenge. Well my brother did until I kicked him in the head. Couldn't do that to my mum or dad though, haha
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#14
Nov 07, 2012, 07:58 PM
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And also that is how I got one up on my dad. I made it so that I had no weak spots. He used to try and try and try to find a new weak spot for years but everything he said just bounced off. He really hated that. For authoritarian and controlling parents, the one thing that they REALLY hate is when what they say has no effect on you, and when they dont know your weak spots.
But the worst thing is that I know dad's biggest weak spot.. mum told me... and I have never used it once in my life! And this is one that would cripple him for life, emotionally. I have known about it for years and never used it. I sometimes have dreams about him being on his deathbed and we all go to say good bye and I smack him in the face with his weakspot... really nail him with it. Real good. I put the boot into him in his final hours and tell him "I win, you lose, have a nice trip" and leave. Harsh, and I really doubt id do it, but yeah it is a nice thought. one of those disturbing thoughts that forcefully enters my head every now and then.
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#15
Nov 07, 2012, 08:47 PM
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No advice but I can relate. I cried a lot as a kid and by the time I was a teenager I'd run out of tears and I never ever cried. I've no idea what's wrong with me now, but I'm ready to go back to numb.
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#16
Nov 07, 2012, 10:16 PM
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Yeah that is how it goes, you come to the stage where your tears are all used up. Numb is great - you make a lot of money, get a lot of respect, get a lot of friends etc, but when you get to the 20 year mark of numbness, all the good stuff is gone too (you are numb to it). Its like "I have all this money now - wtf do I do with it?". There is nothing to spend it on, cuz you cannot experience enjoyment of anything whatsoever! Then you start questioning "why am I even working?" etc haha. It snowballs.
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#17
Nov 08, 2012, 11:12 AM
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I can relate. Numb is sometimes easier, but it is important to keep working through it. It sounds like you are making some really good progress.
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