How to get over feeling violated?

I just found out today that my abusive ex got engaged, and I had a strong, emotional reaction to the news. My T is currently on vacation but, in the past, I talked to her quite a bit about my ex and the negative effects our 5-year relationship had on me. However, nothing she's said has helped me to get over the viseral feelings I still have about it.

It was my first relationship, I was only 20 when we met, and I was very naive. At the beginning I was so excited to be IN a relationship, that I didn't notice all of the warning signs. I didn't realize until much later that I was gradually giving her more and more control, I was allowing her to constantly put me down, and I was allowing her to change who I was. I gave up so much of my power to her and I allowed her to walk over all of my boundaries to the point that, when I tried to enforce them again, I wasn't able to. After 3 years, I absolutely hated her. Seeing her made me nauseous. Any time she tried to touch me, it felt absolutely disgusting and I tried to get away. Every time she opened her mouth, it was to insult me or tell me what I had done wrong. And every time she said those things, more anger just piled up inside, but I learned not to express it because I was afraid of her. It felt like it was her against me, but the deck was stacked in her favor. She was manipulative, controlling, and abusive. I didn't stay with her because I loved her or I wished she could change or I wanted to be with her. I stayed for 2 more years because I felt trapped. A part of me was afraid of being alone but, even more than that, I felt like she was not allowing me to go. Logically, I knew I could leave but, emotionally, I felt like I couldn't. I felt like I was being held hostage. And, in a way, I wasn't entirely wrong. When I finally did ask her to leave (it was my house), she refused. I ended up having to call (big, strong) mutual friends to come and say: "If you don't leave, we will be forced to carry you out and/or call the police." The night before she left, she also tried (again) to physically force herself on me, to the point that I had to lock myself in my walk-in closet. In fact, the last week that she lived in my house (when I was telling her to leave, but she was refusing), there were several nights that I slept in my closet just to protect myself from her. This relationship ended 2 1/2 years ago and, since then, I've had 2 other relationships, both of which were happy. Yes, they ultimately didn't work out, but they were still positive relationships. My negative experience with my ex didn't directly affect those relationships. I'm still open, warm, honest, and capable of healthy, functional relationships. Now, I know how to pick healthy partners so that I never end up in that situation again. Since I broke up with her, I've never dated anyone who was controlling or abusive, and I've never been afraid of anyone I've been with since. However, there are still times when I'm alone that I can physically feel my ex touching me, and it just makes me cringe and feel sick. Even though she and I are not friends on facebook, we have friends in common and I will unexpectedly see her in a picture on one of my friend's fb pages. (That's how I found out about her engagement; I was reading my friend's fb page and there were photos that said "Ex's engagement party!") Even though I've blocked her fb page, there's no way to block pictures of her from appearing on other peoples' pages. Seeing those pictures will turn me from having a good day, to feeling like I want to throw up, and feeling like creepy-crawlers are spreading all over my body. That's the worst part-- the visceral feelings like I'm being infected with her cooties and I can't get her to stop touching me. I will also hear friends mention her in conversation, and it makes me both nauseous and angry at the same time. I know that there was a time when I was happy with her, and I thought that I loved her, but I honestly cannot remember that time. (T has asked repeatedly to come up with a "good memory" and there isn't one; if they existed, I've blocked them). I don't have a single fond memory of her and there is nothing positive that came out of that relationship for me. I was a strong, confident, happy person when I went into the relationship-- the relationship broke me down-- and it's taken me a long time to rebuild myself and become a strong, confident person again. I don't feel as though I'm "better" or "stronger" for having gone through it. I feel like I would have been much better off if I had never gone through it, because it's taken me so long just to get back to where I was before. She violated me in every possible way, and she made me feel unsafe. It still feels like there's something dirty that she left in my body, and I can't get it out. My T doesn't seem to take this problem seriously. She sees it as I was in a relationship and I everything that happened was consensual. It's true that I was in a relationship with her and it's true that I consented to things I did NOT want to do because I felt pressured-- however, it's also true that she touched me after I said "no" to the point that I had to physically beat her off of me several times. I still have regular nightmres about it, and there's nothing I can do to get these nightmares to stop. I've tried talking to T, I've tried thinking/listening/watching happy things before bed, I've tried silly rituals with my friends where we "expel" her or burn her picture, etc. But still, the nightmares persist. Does anyone have any feedback on what I can do to heal from this?

((ScorpioSis))

Scorpiosis, it sounds like you are "stuck" on this and whenever I think "stuck", I think "trauma." So I suggest seeing a therapist who specializes in treating trauma, using techniques like EMDR, for example. Use the times you were violated as the targets to work on. You say your therapist doesn't take this problem seriously. A trauma therapist will. Best of luck.

You experienced what happened as trauma. Whether or not your T views it this way doesn't really matter. She may have her own reasons why she doesn't, or just has a theoretical orientation that favors your current life functioning. It sounds like your beliefs and behaviors have recovered from this experience; but that doesn't necessarily take away the power of the memory of it. Cognitively, they're in different parts of your brain. One doesn't automatically connect to the other. Maybe you need some intervention by someone trained to address this, in addition to your regular T work. It may not take a lot of time, either.

This sounds like it was really traumatic. Do you have ptsd from it?i was in a similar relationship with my 1st boyfriend, and i still have flashbacks.i wish your t would take it more seriously.iwish i had some good advice for you for getting through this-- even 25 years later i still feel stuck. I really hope you and your t can work on this.

Scorposis37,
reading this was like reading an excerpt from my diary. It was scary how much was mirrored in your experience and mine.
I was 23 and it was my first lesbain relationship. I was so young and niave and excited too. All the warning signs were there from the start but because I had no experince in what to look for I didn't see them.
The first night we met me ex forced herself on me...I creid for three weeks after and wouldn't answer her calls, so she called to my house- bearing in mind I wasn't out and my parents had not yet met her. So she invaded my boundaries and my privacy, red flag number one.

She had a very high sex drive when we first met, too much even for me and when I had my periods or simply wasn't in the mood she would get very aggressive and hit me. I knew something wasn't right but I had no experience and couldn't ask anyone because our relationship was secret and I wasn't out.

As soon as we moved in together she told me we couldn't be intimate anymore. I was shocked, hurt and confused and again alone.
Anyway she treated me like dirt, like I was hers. Controlled my every move.
Controlled my friends, I had to stop talking to most of them. She frequently read my emails, my private messages on facebook and looked through my phone- convinced I was having an affair with a man,Its funny now but it wasn't then. I have no interest in men.

We were together for six years and in those six years I learned to love her. I couldn't make a decision without her, we relied on each other so much we were bound to each other. I have never felt so connected to another human being before. It scares me now. I gave her every part of me to abuse and hurt. Anyway to cut a long story short she had an affair thats how I became free of her. Although I am not free of her because she still lives in my head and occupies my every thought.

After we split, I moved out, I moved shifts I left her everything I just asked her to be honest with me and admit the affair, she couldn't even do that for me. She said it was all in my head- it was all in my head that her bit on the side was waiting outside the night I left and moved in straight after I left, it was all in my head all the lies she told me- I made them up, yeah right. She was still controlling me after we broke up. She damn near made me lose my mind. My t said I was close to becoming very mentally unwell. I believed everything she told me and went into denial about the affair.
My ex refused to tell me why we broke up and convinced me it was my fault so I blamed myself for everything and ruminated over every single painful detail minute after minute. She taunted me at work, shouted at me in front of everyone. Told all the other gay women in town that I was a weirdo and a freak and to stay away from me. She found out I was meeting up with this girl for the fist time and seen her out the night before we were due to meet and threatened her in the bathrooms to stay away from me and to leave me alone. This woman I used to love is going to be forty next year but behaves like a teenager.

All her so called new friends eventually found out what she is like after she had several affairs with some of them and stirred up nothing but trouble, they abandoned her. SHe was left alone for the first time in her life this time last year and I felt sorry for her. I was still in denial about the affair and knew nothing about what happened with the girl she was with well left me for- she had an affair on her too.

We ended up getting back together as my feelings for her were still as strong as ever, they never died. Three months later she had another affair on me I was gutted. It is the way she does it too. She introduced both girls as friends of her and one night after work, she knew I would be calling to the house. This other girls car was outside, the lights were off and she wouldn't answer the door. It was so cruel and hurtful but yet I am still thinking about her, I still love her.

She abused me in every way yet I still can't get her out of my head. I wish I could I have tried everything. Dating other women doesn't work for me because they are simply not my type but my ex pretended to be someone she wasn't so I would like her. SHe pretended to have the same hobbies as me, she was against drinking, smoking, sports but once she met this other girl, sh started smoking, drinking, gambling all night at the casino. It was frightening how much she changed. I completely went into shock becasue I didn't know who she was so who was I?
Now I am going through a complete identity crisis. I am completey suspicious of all other women I meet because I know they have cheated on their partners. We have mutual friends too and I completely understand the whole face book thing and freinds mentioning her name. Every time her name is mentioned I feel like I have been punched in the stomach and it hurts. I have told people not to talk about her but it falls on deaf ears every time.

Anyway Scorposis, I don't think there is a quick fix to this situation. I don't think there is a solution but if there is I would love to try it. As with everything time is the best healer. I mentioned above about getting your feelings validated helps a little. You have been through hell with this woman and I don't think your T is getting that and just how badly she abused you. Do you think you might be suffering from PTSD?
My t never mentioned any of this to me but it was after coming here I realised I had been suffering from that. I wish It could be better for you and that you could erase all of those hurtful memories but unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

Feelings are like children, they will scream and scream until you give them attention and as soon as you do they still quiet. Maybe if you sit with these feelings and memories and take time to process them they will eventually ease. I know it will be painful and confusing but they are trying to tell you something.

Anyway I am here if you ever want to talk about anything PM me.

I have spent the past 25 years working with domestic violence victims, including lesbian women, and I can tell you that anyone that understands just a little bit about domestic violence would get that you were a victim. Physical violence is not critical to the experience of domestic violence-- control is, and in my experience, more sophisticated (i.e. educated, intelligent) abusers are successful at achieving control via emotional and sexual violence and do not need to resort to putting their hands on you.

Unfortunately, many T's are insufficiently trained in domestic violence and over the years, I've heard a lot of dumb stuff they have said about it. Domestic violence is extremely traumatic, the symptoms you describe are PTSD symptoms, and that would point in exactly the general direction that sunrise suggests. The research shows that 80-95% of domestic violence victims have PTSD at some point, usually after they've left the relationship. How could the experience of domestic violence not be traumatic, as it upends everything you expect in a loving/romantic relationship-- the person who has said (and usually continues to say) that they love you does terrible things that cause all kinds of pain, and living in fear is pretty much the worst kind of living.

I do agree that you need trauma-focused therapy, be it talk therapy or any other type you wanted to try. But the reason why the effects of that relationship linger on is because you haven't yet been able to do the work to let it go. You have to hold onto something before you can let it go, and I suspect that your T's dismissal of this as an issue has impeded your progress in this area.

I am just really sorry that you had to go through a violent relationship for five years-- happy that you have come through it strong and confident. Your symptoms are showing you that you need to deal with it-- I hope your T is willing and able, but if not, please consider seeing a T who is trained and experienced in working with DV victims. Does your university have a women's center? Ask to speak to the director for referrals. Also, your local domestic violence shelter should offer (free) individual and group therapy counseling; it's something to consider. And your LGBT center on campus or community-based should have resources for assisting DV victims. The incidence of DV in gay/lesbian relationships is just as high as in heterosexual ones.

You've obviously made a lot of strides towards healing. You do not have to live with this person in your head and/or heart. It is possible to move forward and eliminate the symptoms you are experiencing with competent therapy.

sis, thanks for sharing this with us. I am sorry your T is not taking this more seriously. not being able to come up with "one thing", your young age, the length of time with your abuser, the nightmares, and now looking for someone exactly like yourself, who presumably won't hurt you?, are all bad indicators. slap your t for me, will ya? I mean, I don't know how else to wake her up to what's happening. and now of course I have to think about what that means to me, but oh well!

Thank-you for your response, Anne. Yes, I do see what I went through as "trauma." My T sees it this way as well and has validated my experinece. As have my friends-- I've talked about it absolutely ad naseum and do feel that the people in my life have validated my experience. My T tends to say: "What you went through was traumatic. We will continue to talk about it. And, with time, it will get better." Yes, talking about it helps and the passage of time helps-- and, the majority of the time, it's not on my mind. But, when something unexpectedly reminds me of my ex (like finding out she got engaged yesterday), I still get those visceral feelings. I would not call it PTSD, though. I'm familiar with PTSD and I do not have the majority of those symptoms (my T agrees with me). I also do not believe in EMDR. I know others on the board have found it useful and I'm glad it works for them. But, personally, after reviewing the research, I just don't believe that it has sufficient scientific grounding. For myself, I'm only interested in talk-therapy. I do wish my T was better versed in trauma and domestic violence issues because I think that would be helpful, but I'm not interested in seeing a second T at this time. (Not saying never, though). I know that my T would not be on-board with me seeing an additional trauma T and it's not worth it for me to risk my current T-relationship to bring in someone else. Despite my T's lack of training in this area, she's the perfect T in other areas which, for me, are more important.

I am interested in the suggestion of an LGBT Domestic Violence Support Group. I will look in my area to see if there is one, but I'm not super optimistic. I think that would be perfect, though. If there isn't one, I don't know that I would go to a "women's" DV group. I thought about it once, right after I got out of my relationship, and called the local center. I spoke with the group leader, and it was evident to me that her understanding of DV was deeply routed in gender inequalities, male violence, and the "war on women." That stuff just isn't relevant to my situation. I also tend to feel very "different" when I talk to others who have been in DV situations and they talk about loving their ex, wishing their ex could have changed, and still having a place in their heart for their ex. (or at least loving them AT THE TIME, if not now). That is just soooo far removed from my experience that it's impossible for me to relate. I did not love my ex at the time and my currnet problem is my absolute physical repulsion for her. I feel like I can't get far enough away from her, even though she's in another state and we have no contact. I've never met anyone else who has a similar experience. Everyone else seems to have been torn-- loving and hating their ex at the same time. I didn't. I only had hate. I wish I could meet someone who shared my experience. If I did, I think that would be incredibly healing.

No, that's not why. I'm not afraid of getting hurt. I'm attracted to women who are like myself because that is my "type." I've always been attracted to women who are similar to me. The reason I started dating was my ex was because I thought she was a lot like me. In fact, she was intentionally imitating me at the time, but I thought this was just "her." Only later did I realize it was an imitation.

Yes, I think that's exactly it. My T sees that I'm successful at work, I've had healthy romantic relationships since then, I have a great circle of friends, I get along with my family, I've never acted out, I've never been self-destructive, I don't have a mental health diagnosis, etc... and, for these reasons, she thinks my experience of trauma wasn't a big deal. She dismisses my nightmares by saying nothing other than "they'll go away in time" and she says my visceral feelings of being violated are "understandable." If I acted out, she'd take me more seriously. So I think it's unfortunate that by being strong-willed, driven, and on the righ path, she minimizes what happened to me or how I feel about it. Just because I'm able to function successfully doesn' mean what happened didn't affect me emotionally.

Oh hell yeah that is trauma. I can't really say what would work because i have not been thru something remotely that horrible. I can imagine that would take a loooong time to recover from something that hardcore.

I just wanted to say that you have a lot of respect from me. A lot of people would be going around doing anything and everything to avoid thinking about it or dealing with it, eg drugs/sex/addictions etc. And here you are, standing up in the face of it and working through it. That would take a LOT of guts. You are one DAMN strong person. Its like David standing up in the face of Goliath. I definitely tip my hat to you. I know you said you dont think of yourself as a strong person but I'm just saying that to an outsider, it sure as hell looks like it!

Oh I just realised some other people have already said what i said but what the hell i'll post it anyways.

you were abused. that is more than just a violation. it takes time to heal...

You are definitely not alone in your experience. The concept of domestic violence victims being hostages has been around for a long time, and I have personally worked with many victims whose perpetrators have literally squatted in their lives and made it almost impossible to leave them.

You might find the trailer and other resources on this site valuable:

http://www.privateviolence.com/

I would encourage you in your desire to seek a support group. Although I am not surprised that the place you contacted before had a feminist philosophy-- many domestic violence providers do-- in my practical experience knowing the counselors and clients involved in therapy, this isn't a focus of the group itself. It's an educational/advocacy perspective for an agency, but it isn't a way to provide therapy to people. I do not believe you would find that this would be an issue discussed in therapy.

However, being a part of any group involves issues of commonality as well as difference, and you have to be willing to tolerate topics that people will bring up that are not relevant to your life. I was a part of a CSA group for 7 years, and part of the group process is learning how to get something out of something you don't think you can get something out of. I had a very different life from my group members, and yet sometimes that was one of the most healing things about learning what she experienced and what she thought. And it was kind of cool to find that someone could feel how I felt despite the fact that she had a very different kind of experience. I also dropped out of a group before this one, so I'm fairly aware that some groups may not be right for you. I'd just suggest actually trying to participate and observing first hand what the group is about before rejecting it.

The physical reactions that you are having, I believe, are part of the PTSD symptoms that are physiologically-based. When trauma is originally experienced, the body is flooded with adrenaline and other internal responses too complicated for me to really get. If you want to do more reading about it, Walter Cannon's original book is great and so is this book by Babette Rothschild:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Body-Remem...body+remembers

In my experience working with people, it is often these psychophysiological triggers that are the hardest to heal. You may be feeling these responses viscerally because the trigger (what reminds you of ex) is still linked to that original experience of trauma. Some people find that meditation/mindfulness exercises, which quiet the body's general reactivity, are helpful in breaking this link between trigger and body reaction.

I've never done EMDR in my own trauma work, but it seems from the professional literature that this (link between trigger and physiological reaction) is one of those things that EMDR does best at healing. I don't really believe in EMDR much myself except my current T (who doesn't do it) has reported that many of his clients have been majorly helped by it. It might be worth it for you to just get a consultation with a T who does EMDR and ask lots of tough questions about it before you reject it outright. Not trying to tell you what to do, just encouraging you to be a little more open to things.

I would also like to put you in touch with someone I know who works at a national organization, because I think she might be able to point you towards resources that I don't know about. I also think you would just get a lot out of talking with her. If this is something you're open to, please PM me.

Maybe all that you really have to do is talk about this stuff with T when it comes up? This sounds pretty normal be be triggered. Talking about what triggers you is really helpful.

Hi,

I relate to your experience. I went through something similar with my ex. I have just started talking about my real feelings towards him. I was controlled, abused, manipulated a ton of times and had a lot of self esteem issues which manifested in lack of assertiveness and putting up with his behavior. 6 years of abuse and now that I'm out of it, I feel relieved. And yet can't fully forget him. I am seeing homeopathic therapists and I have to say they work at a holistic level and I am very happy about the progress we have made for me. This is just a small part of bigger issues I've been dealing with, but i know how painful this can be. Hope you find a therapist that aligns you with the best treatment. Your life is worth more, and it's important to find the right guide to help us rebuild ourselves post the trauma.

Hope this helps.