My Story, My Truth, My Secret Unveiled

Since termination, I have posted on these boards. I have spewed alot of venom toward my therapist and inward toward myself. I have not been able to let it go.

[FONT=Century Gothic]I have always had this (embarrassing thing to reveal) defense mechanism - where some people are out to destroy me AND that some people are out to save/help me. I wonder at times if my xt is on here.[

I feel so alone in my stress induced psychotic break.

Yes, my dear you are in the middle of a BPD delusion. Your x-t is not here. I understand the paranoia and delusion. In my very first years of BPD after not being able to reach my t all day, I was convinced that he was at the courthouse petitioning for my civil commitment. He wasn't and I don't think I ever told him my paranoia but when I got a little better and my mind cleared some, I realized that he was not cancelling all of his other daily duties to drive to the courthouse to rescue/contain is out-of-control bordeline client.

I do understand though and I wish you would be able to think more logically. You made a brave choice by putting this out here. One step closer to sanity.

Thank you for your story. I do know that it is delusional. I plan on telling my newT tomorrow at session. How embarrassing that will be. I was really reticent about posting this, but here it is. Thanks so much!

Although I don't share the same experience with psychotic defenses, I definitely have gotten paranoid about PC-related stuff. Every so often I will become very nearly convinced that someone else's T is my exT, and I will get jealous or frustrated or upset as if it WAS my exT. Even thought I have NO reason to believe that other than the fact that their T said something that sounds like something my T would say . And it's like I am desperate for them to just say something that will convince me that it's not my T. Until then, even though I know it's illogical and unlikely, my stomach churns every time. There's my embarrassing paranoid confession!

I think for me it has something to do with needing to feel important and special, and even though I know that any T I have will have unique and caring relationships with all of their patients, it would be so hard to hear about the sweetness of anyone else's relationship with my exT. I'm not even a terribly jealous person in most of my relationships, but I think needing to feel special and important and unique is an issue that goes way back for me. So any indication that I might be seeing evidence of my lack of specialness would put me on high alert.

I'm not sure what this means for you, but I hope you explore it with newT (and maybe with a pdoc, there might be some medication that can help you with this... battling your thoughts is a really, really tough battle). I can see how this would be putting you on a rollercoaster; those thoughts would have my mood swinging all over the place.

Really, it sounds like a lot of this is a result of a really messy termination, where you were left in the dark and feeling totally helpless. Now T seems to be reaching into and either infiltrating or boosting your current support mechanism. You will be ok without him. You're neither fully vulnerable to his negativity, nor fully dependent on his positive influence. Even if he took over this website, you would still be ok, and you will find a way to strengthen your ego.

Hang in there and keep talking

Sally,

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Sally! You are important and special to me and many others on this site The severity of it is due to the messy termination, I usually don't think of my T as trying to psychologically undue me.

I am fully aware that this is NOT true, but it's like maybe it's a possibility. It's hard to explain

Good luck!

I actually think that you are in the process of letting it go. You have posted "a lot" about your termination, but it has always seemed to me that you are really working hard to get somewhere with it. You are not stuck, you are working through something really really tough, that pulls for so many triggers. Anyone in your shoes would have incredible difficulty with what happened and how it happened.

I can tell you that when I feel paranoid, or more precisely I experience a person or a situation as threatening, I first of all have to try to objectively assess whether this situation or person is threatening. I was walking after dark the other night in a "safe" neighborhood, but I decided I didn't feel safe. I think that was a reasonable determination. Women's aren't safe just because the neighborhood is a "safe" one.

But many times, when I look at the situation or person, I realize there is no objective threat, but I am carrying my past and imputing it into this situation. I am perceiving threat when there is none there, and that's just one of the after-effects of trauma that I'm trying to work on. It's really the hardest one for me, so what you revealed here seems really normal to me.

You already know that your fear about your ex-T is not based in reality. As you start putting together the pieces about why you impute danger into situations that are not threatening, these kinds of fear will start to disappear.

I think you are doing great, except for your unrelenting beating up on yourself. The things that you label as being you (e.g. stupid etc) are just not the case.

just so's ya know...I think you're important and special here! Blessings, MCL

Aw, warm fuzzies! Thanks!