[Focus62]

I have been having nightmares lately, horrific, awful flashback nightmares about CSA. I was telling my T this, and she asked me what happened in them. I hesitated, then I started to tell her...avoiding all eye contact possible. I was having a hard time keeping from being drawn into the flashback and ultimately, I failed. The voices and shouting and screaming were so loud, I could hear what she was saying to me but I couldn't respond, I was stuck there. I could feel his fingers brush my skin... I was watching it all happen again. I remember being very still, when usually I am fidgety. I could feel panic beginning to rise in me, my breathing getting faster, and I remember her saying something, then calling my name sternly, loudly almost, I think because I wasn't responding to her. I remember her asking me "Where are you going?" I couldn't respond. She moved to the edge of her seat to get closer to me, she was too close and I wanted to tell her to back up but I couldn't, I didn't know how to get the words out. Instead I just pulled away as much as I could. She asked me what I was feeling, all I could stammer out was "Fear." I think she told me things like "You are safe. You are in my office. I am not going to hurt you. I am staying right here," stuff like that. It's a little fuzzy. I remember it passing a little bit and she told me to look at it her, and I did for a fleeting moment and then returned my gaze to the floor. She continued to talk until the question landed on, "Are you still feeling scared?" I remember whispering "Yes" cause I was still back in that place and I remember telling her "I can't be here right now." She said, "Where? In my office?" I took a breath and said, "In my head." She said, "Okay, come back to me then. Come back here." She asked me how old I was, what year it was, and to describe things I see in her office. This seemed to help, and after trying so hard to focus on these things I finally came out of it... we then talked about the rest of my day ahead instead of talking anymore in depth about things which I was thankful for.

I think what actually bothered me most about this session was being even more scared than I already was when she moved closer to me. I really really wanted to tell her to back up but I just couldn't. I already didn't feel safe and when she got closer it made it even worse. I know she doesn't know that unless I tell her but I just couldn't in the moment, I was so wrapped up in the memory.

I need to learn to re-focus my attention which is so hard for me to do when I get wrapped up in it. These flashbacks cause me so much fear... she has started to do mindfulness with me but I'm finding it really difficult because my mind just goes a mile a minute.

[rainbow_rose]

...

Almost this exact thing happened to me last night... right up to the "My T moved closer to me" part... because when my T did that, I was grateful; her presence made me feel safe, her hand squeezing mine felt grounding. The only thing I wanted more was for her to get closer and just hold me so I could listen to her heart beat and use it to regulate myself. I think if she had done it a few months back, her body being close to me would have given me a heart attack. But now, I welcome it...because she makes me feel comforted. Loved, even.

Why does your T's closeness frighten you? Are you associating her with your CSA?

btw, if youre interested, I uploaded a few John Kabat Zinn mindfulness CDs if you want to download them to practice? I hope you are able to tell your T how you feel about her being in your physical space when you were so upset. Maybe you can talk to her about what the right thing is to do for you to safely/comfortably bring you back when you go away. ::huggs::

[Focus62]

I'm not sure if I am associating her with the CSA, the CSA was done to me by a male, I don't think that she would be grouped into that category in my head for some reason. But then again, when I think about it, it felt threatening to me and her moving closer to me was relating to what was going on in my head, where my abuser was moving in on me and hurting me in unimaginable ways. I didn't want to be close to her, it didn't feel safe. I felt crowded, trapped, cornered. Like escape was being blocked from me.

I know I need to talk to her about it next time, but I don't know what she needs to do to bring me back in a comfortable sense. This is all so new to me...I have no idea what I'm doing. Does anyone have any examples of what you do with your T? I'm open to suggestions to think about...touch is out of the question with me, if I can't handle close proximity, I can't handle touch either.

((TC)) - I saw your upload, I will try those, thanks.

[skeksi]

Focus62, I had something similar happen this week, too. T and I are doing some hard stuff with processing my traumas, and at the end of my session I was starting to freak out. Out of respect for how sensitive I am to feeling intruded on, T always sits well away from me. I asked him to come closer, because I wanted to feel connected. He moved all of two inches and my heart was in my throat--I was in a panic. It was so disappointing to me. (He was not surprised).

Do talk to your T, who will not judge you. It's OKAY to feel unsafe even in T. It's a great place to notice and talk about that feeling, and it's okay if it doesn't change. Your T will not be upset that you have this totally normal reaction.

[Sannah]

Yes, discussing this with your T is so important. Telling her that her moving closer scared you more. I would also suggest that you look at her while you are talking. I think that this will help you to not get lost in your head and in the flashback. I think it will be grounding. Maybe talk to her about this?

[mcl6136]

you're so brave to be dealing with this stuff...go slow and keep posting.

Focus, I had a flashback in session last week. This week, we talked about what happened and what he did or didn't do that made it better or harder for me. I hope when you see her next, you and she are able to discuss what she could do to help you in the future, if it happens again.

[Focus62]

I will talk to her about all this next session. I was just writing some notes about it and reflecting on it...thinking of what I want to say to her. I think something that would make me feel safer is her talking calmly and gently to me because everything is so loud, forceful, and demanding in my head, she would be the opposite or the difference I would be able to hear and pay attention to maybe... Does that sound reasonable? What she did yesterday was talk to me a bit loudly, trying to get my attention I think. I perceived it as her being frustrated with me or angry with me because it was paralleling what was going on in my head, and that only intensifies my fear...

Originally Posted by Sannah

I think that this will help you to not get lost in your head and in the flashback.

I was also writing some notes about this. She asked me to look at her when I was a little more aware of her. It felt wrong when I did, and that's why I returned my gaze to the floor so quickly. I think I was afraid to see anger in her eyes...it scares me to see anger in someone's eyes. I could always see it in my abuser's eyes and in my father's eyes (he has quite a temper) and it is a way for me to avoid pain if I avoid their gaze. Of course, I didn't see any anger when I looked into her eyes, but I don't know what I saw. It didn't feel comforting, it just felt wrong...

Originally Posted by Focus62

I will talk to her about all this next session. I was just writing some notes about it and reflecting on it...thinking of what I want to say to her. I think something that would make me feel safer is her talking calmly and gently to me because everything is so loud, forceful, and demanding in my head, she would be the opposite or the difference I would be able to hear and pay attention to maybe... Does that sound reasonable? What she did yesterday was talk to me a bit loudly, trying to get my attention I think. I perceived it as her being frustrated with me or angry with me because it was paralleling what was going on in my head, and that only intensifies my fear...


I was also writing some notes about this. She asked me to look at her when I was a little more aware of her. It felt wrong when I did, and that's why I returned my gaze to the floor so quickly. I think I was afraid to see anger in her eyes...it scares me to see anger in someone's eyes. I could always see it in my abuser's eyes and in my father's eyes (he has quite a temper) and it is a way for me to avoid pain if I avoid their gaze. Of course, I didn't see any anger when I looked into her eyes, but I don't know what I saw. It didn't feel comforting, it just felt wrong...

Focus
This must be so hard for you. Do you think you can't make eye contact because you are ashamed of what happened to you?
Maybe you afraid to let people get close to you because you have allowed it in the past and the trust was abused. Does t know that this made you uncomfortable, maybe you should discuss this next time. I won't let anyone close to me unless I really trust them. Being close to a stranger really scares me.

[Focus62]

Originally Posted by button30

Focus
This must be so hard for you. Do you think you can't make eye contact because you are ashamed of what happened to you?
Maybe you afraid to let people get close to you because you have allowed it in the past and the trust was abused. Does t know that this made you uncomfortable, maybe you should discuss this next time. I won't let anyone close to me unless I really trust them. Being close to a stranger really scares me.

I'm not sure that that's the reason I don't make eye contact when describing the abuse... It could be because it is shameful for me, but that's not the overwhelming emotion really. I think it is just another way I keep distance between myself and other people.

I know I am afraid to let people get close to me because I've been hurt and manipulated by people before (namely my parents--the ones who are supposed to protect you and love you). That is one of my core issues, I've known that for a long time. Building trust is so difficult for me to do, I am so much more comfortable when I can keep people at an arm's length. I've always been a loner by nature... I can socialize fine, but I don't find it comfortable. Never have and I fear I never will.

My T knows that I do not tolerate touch well, so she has never tried that with me. Close proximity though we have never really talked about...I plan to bring it up with her next session. I need to tell her about this because it really did freak me out and I don't want it to happen again... I kind of wrote out what I want to say to her, though I'm sure it won't come out the way I wrote it:

Why did you scoot the edge of your seat when I was having a flashback? I wanted to tell you to back off because you were too close, but couldn't get the words out in that moment. I felt cornered, trapped in a sense, like escape was being cut off from me. It felt like a threatening move to me. I'm not sure if I was associating you with the memory I was having but it didn't make me feel safe. I was scared you were going to touch me and I didn't want that, so I'm glad you didn't. I have done this another time, I'm not sure if you noticed but the last time you brought Sammy [therapy dog] in and we were both sitting on the floor you were a lot closer to me than usual and I turned my body towards you and pulled away a bit, brought my knees up and put my arms around them to keep myself all balled up… it is part of my protective behavior I think, to be able to be watchful yet far away.

Originally Posted by Focus62

I'm not sure that that's the reason I don't make eye contact when describing the abuse... It could be because it is shameful for me, but that's not the overwhelming emotion really. I think it is just another way I keep distance between myself and other people.

I know I am afraid to let people get close to me because I've been hurt and manipulated by people before (namely my parents--the ones who are supposed to protect you and love you). That is one of my core issues, I've known that for a long time. Building trust is so difficult for me to do, I am so much more comfortable when I can keep people at an arm's length. I've always been a loner by nature... I can socialize fine, but I don't find it comfortable. Never have and I fear I never will.

My T knows that I do not tolerate touch well, so she has never tried that with me. Close proximity though we have never really talked about...I plan to bring it up with her next session. I need to tell her about this because it really did freak me out and I don't want it to happen again... I kind of wrote out what I want to say to her, though I'm sure it won't come out the way I wrote it:

Why did you scoot the edge of your seat when I was having a flashback? I wanted to tell you to back off because you were too close, but couldn't get the words out in that moment. I felt cornered, trapped in a sense, like escape was being cut off from me. It felt like a threatening move to me. I'm not sure if I was associating you with the memory I was having but it didn't make me feel safe. I was scared you were going to touch me and I didn't want that, so I'm glad you didn't. I have done this another time, I'm not sure if you noticed but the last time you brought Sammy [therapy dog] in and we were both sitting on the floor you were a lot closer to me than usual and I turned my body towards you and pulled away a bit, brought my knees up and put my arms around them to keep myself all balled up… it is part of my protective behavior I think, to be able to be watchful yet far away.

That was very articulate and I think you should just hand her what you have written and she will understand. When you said about curling up into a ball i imagined a hedgehog- the way it curls up into a ball and its spikes protect it.
Its hard after you have been hurt to let someone get close and maybe this is what your therapy is about, letting t get close to you. It is safe and there are no expectations. For me I need to learn to trust again after being abused so badly and getting close to a t will be good for me because I know I won't get hurt and not everyone is going to hurt me.

[Sannah]

Good plans Focus.