[elliemay]

…and so the saga of the me having to help my therapist continues. We met last week.

Well, I was a total wreck. Rather angry, but instead of talking about what I was angry about I was just free-style *****ing.

Then he kind of launched into this “what are you here for” kind of thing. I became very suspicious of why he was asking and actually said “why are you asking”.

Then I just burst into tears and said I was a little angry at him. I simply couldn’t say I was mad that he got all up in my space because I’m not sure that was the actual problem.

The more I blithered about the more I realized the problem was that he wasn’t there at all. My therapist wasn’t there, someone else was and I was having to help them.
Again, just to re-iterate, I was a total, utter mess. Tied in knots. Scared to death.

I think an underlying and as yet unaddressed abandonment issue has surfaced. I suspect this is why I am a serial helper.

It could be the result of leaving my old therapist and, yes, even though he didn’t leave per se, he is gone.

I’m likely projecting it on to this guy, but it still hurts – a lot actually.
Another thing I just do not understand is why he will not call my old therapist. Why hasn’t done that? That man treated me for years. It looks like a new person would want to know for what and how?

[skeksi]

You did a good job, elliemay. You'll address it more completely when you are ready.

[stopdog]

That sounds very frustrating about the appointment.
I think that often therapists will not talk to other therapists because they want to experience the client for themselves. I am not saying it is right, just that I have read some of them saying that sort of thing.

[Anne2.0]

I always find it frustrating when I can't get out what I want to get out during a session. Bring it up again; you'll get closer. You know it's a hot button for you, so of course it's going to be hard.

It seems to bug you that he hasn't called your old therapist. My T hasn't either, but I'm not bugged by it. Some were probably taught in T school that any outside information (including written records) might interfere with their ability to understand you from where they sit. You are supposed to be the most important piece of information, not your former T. Might be worth exploring why this seems significant to you . . . are you hoping he will be more like xT if he talks to him? That would be my best guess, playing armchair psychologist (which I generally suck at, so don't revel in the likely mistake)

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by stopdog

That sounds very frustrating about the appointment.
I think that often therapists will not talk to other therapists because they want to experience the client for themselves. I am not saying it is right, just that I have read some of them saying that sort of thing.

I totally agree with this. They want to come to their own conclusions, and get to know you for themselves.

I think you expressed your anger the way that you could, and it was fine.

My therapist would not contact past therapist. We work on what happens in the space in the moment.

[unaluna]

maybe what you're saying is that you don't like new T very much. old T is your daddy T and he needs to spank this T, or at least explain some things to him, FOR you. You are not aligned or attached to this new T yet.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by hankster

maybe what you're saying is that you don't like new T very much. old T is your daddy T and he needs to spank this T, or at least explain some things to him, FOR you. You are not aligned or attached to this new T yet.

Oh boy are you right (not about the spanking mmmm... Wtf) but i am not aligned at all. I'm in a bad place right now and feel quite bad. I don't know the rules- have no non-work friends. It's just tough.

[skeksi]

It sounds like you are still lonely after the move--totally understandable--and that's compounded by not having the safety of a T relationship to fall back on. So not only are you angry and confused about how he took over the sessions, you're angry too that he's not there the way your old T would be. Makes perfect sense to me, but I'm sorry you have to be in this place just now.

Do you think next session you could "talk about talking about it"--ie, express that you are hesitant to say why you're angry because the relationship is still new and not feeling rock-solid yet? I know I tend to torture myself for not saying big things, but it's hard to just throw them out there. I usually have to get to them in a roundabout way.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by skeksi

It sounds like you are still lonely after the move--totally understandable--and that's compounded by not having the safety of a T relationship to fall back on. So not only are you angry and confused about how he took over the sessions, you're angry too that he's not there the way your old T would be. Makes perfect sense to me, but I'm sorry you have to be in this place just now.

Do you think next session you could "talk about talking about it"--ie, express that you are hesitant to say why you're angry because the relationship is still new and not feeling rock-solid yet? I know I tend to torture myself for not saying big things, but it's hard to just throw them out there. I usually have to get to them in a roundabout way.

With some reflection and some brutal honesty with myself, I think I am just mad at him for not being my old therapist - which isn't fair.

The serial helper in me still has to be addressed, as does this irrational fear of, well, everything, but abandonment is getting the most airtime lately.

My fear of men has also creeped back into the picture again. I had a horrible business dinner with 3 men, one of which just couldn't keep his hands off me. It was business dinner for heavens sake! Embarassing and invasive.

Oh yeah, my mind is going to be so busy this week trying to wrap itself around all this crap.

[elliemay]

Now the question, so often posed here on PC, is do I call him?

I have absolutely no idea what his policy on between visit contact is, or even if he is good on the phone. Do I want to go in for an additional visit - honestly I am owed one. Can I handle this by myself, or is it too intrusive?

Can you guys help me to see some +/- here? I think it might come down to a risk benefit ratio. Right now all I can see is risk.

[pbutton]

What items do you have listed in your risk column?

That business dinner sounds absolutely AWFUL. I am horrifed on your behalf. Ugh.

[skeksi]

You see lots of risk, but I wonder if that too is reflecting your old T relationship more than this one. If it were me I would fear the very worst case scenario would be the T suggesting I seek help elsewhere. Would this T relationship ending wreck you, or would it be something you could soldier through knowing that you were right to raise an ethical issue with him? This T relationship ending is different than your former on...Do you want to continue seeing a T who is willing to sacrifice your needs that way, and continue living with the weekly risk that it will happen again?

I suppose in my mind there is also another worst case scenario--being told that I am wrong and unreasonable for trying to defend my rights in the relationship. Do you think you could rely on support, here and elsewhere, to help you keep your head and steer yourself true through a storm like that?

I hope this doesn't seem like I am trying to sway you one way or another. Making a decision when all you see is risk is painfully hard. I'm reminded of that Anais Nin quote about the time coming when stay in the bud was more painful than the risk to blossom. When it's worth the risk to change, you'll know.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by skeksi

You see lots of risk, but I wonder if that too is reflecting your old T relationship more than this one. If it were me I would fear the very worst case scenario would be the T suggesting I seek help elsewhere. Would this T relationship ending wreck you, or would it be something you could soldier through knowing that you were right to raise an ethical issue with him? This T relationship ending is different than your former on...Do you want to continue seeing a T who is willing to sacrifice your needs that way, and continue living with the weekly risk that it will happen again?

I suppose in my mind there is also another worst case scenario--being told that I am wrong and unreasonable for trying to defend my rights in the relationship. Do you think you could rely on support, here and elsewhere, to help you keep your head and steer yourself true through a storm like that?

I hope this doesn't seem like I am trying to sway you one way or another. Making a decision when all you see is risk is painfully hard. I'm reminded of that Anais Nin quote about the time coming when stay in the bud was more painful than the risk to blossom. When it's worth the risk to change, you'll know.

I'm going to have to think about your questions. they are very astute. I don't know what is going on here at all. Something is definitely stirred up.

Thank you for your comments. I love Anais Nin.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by pbutton

What items do you have listed in your risk column?

That business dinner sounds absolutely AWFUL. I am horrifed on your behalf. Ugh.

It really really was awful.

Originally Posted by elliemay

Now the question, so often posed here on PC, is do I call him?

I have absolutely no idea what his policy on between visit contact is, or even if he is good on the phone. Do I want to go in for an additional visit - honestly I am owed one. Can I handle this by myself, or is it too intrusive?

Can you guys help me to see some +/- here? I think it might come down to a risk benefit ratio. Right now all I can see is risk.

Why do you want to call him? To talk about being in distress, to address the anger, to get support in a lonely time, to schedule an appt...???

Sometimes if I can get clear what I want/need/hope for from the phone call it helps me decide if that's even something I will be able to get.

LOTS of Moving is a huge adjustment, leaving a T is a HUGE adjustment....be extra gentle with yourself because you absolutely deserve it.

[unaluna]

I have an Anais Nin quote magnet on my refrigerator. Also a Charles Dickens one. An Ambien ad. A classical painting. And my "Girls Just Want To Have Fun On Board" sign retrieved from the back window of my little white truck

[elliemay]

I decided not to call. I go in on thursday. Work yesterday provided enough of a distraction to alleviate most of the intrusive thoughts.

I do believe that my therapist did commit an ethical violation. He put is stuff on me. While I wasn't able to communicate the anger about that in our previous session, I was able to communicate my upset about it - even if I did so by sitting and crying.

For heaven's sake one of us in the room has got to keep it together. If this is my therapy it has to be him. He got it.

I also think that (and I'm not being arrogant here at all) that I helped him so much he began to question himself about whether or not *he* could help *me* at all. What *could* he do for me. He also told me as much - which I immediately interpreted as he's kicking me out. I totally freaked out and went right to the the place of "oh no, I can't lose another one." So - yeah, it's still somewhat about my previous therapist.

This guy is a fixer. He "that guy". Goal oriented, set milestones, administer metrics etc... I'm not "that client". I think that crap is rubbish. Therapists can't "fix" us, we have to do that ourselves. I think (or at least hope) he and I clarified what my therapy was to be about and he assured me that he wasn't going anywhere.

Also, at my next to last appointment he and I were in the building by ourselves. That's a huge fear thing for me. I barely know this guy. I also finally managed to tell him that - which is also why I think that dinner was so upsetting to me. The "man" fear was very big and raw.

That dinner still bothers me - that jerk.

Anyhoodle. Overall, I can forgive the ethical breach just this once. I can't let it happen again however. It's too upsetting for me.

It's the overall fear of abandonment/helping/man fear I've got to address and I've got to quit hoping this guy turns into my old therapist - that's getting me no where good and fast. He is who he is.