[onlytime]

I'm so ashamed I feel this way, but I actually like it when my T says she's concerned about me. I've been having a rough few weeks and my T and other members of my treatment team are worried about my behaviors, but somehow it's reinforcing and makes me want to keep engaging in behaviors. It feels like I matter. I know that's so childish/attention-seeking of me

I feel like I have some insight on the matter but don't know what to do about it.

I hope you guys aren't judging me as harshly as I'm judging myself

[Fixated]

I totally get it. I feel the same way. It's a very fine line to walk, and I try hard not to do that with T. To make sure what I'm saying is true to the situation and not my attempt at manipulation to get her to meet my wants.

Originally Posted by onlytime

I'm so ashamed I feel this way, but I actually like it when my T says she's concerned about me. I've been having a rough few weeks and my T and other members of my treatment team are worried about my behaviors, but somehow it's reinforcing and makes me want to keep engaging in behaviors. It feels like I matter. I know that's so childish/attention-seeking of me

I feel like I have some insight on the matter but don't know what to do about it.

I hope you guys aren't judging me as harshly as I'm judging myself

they are probably still concerned about you when you are not having negative behaviors. but i understand what you mean about liking the attention.

No one should judge you for this. You probably didn't get the attention you deserved growing up or something.

I freak out when my therapist says he's concerned, but I can understand wanting someone to care.

[onlytime]

Thanks for replying and not judging me!

I totally get it. I feel the same way. It's a very fine line to walk, and I try hard not to do that with T. To make sure what I'm saying is true to the situation and not my attempt at manipulation to get her to meet my wants.

That's a really good point! In the past, I have played up my behaviors to get my T to worry about me, and I really regret doing that since it made our relationship really messy. I'm seeing a different T now, and I'm trying my best to be completely honest in both directions - not hiding things as well as not playing up how bad things are. But it's such a hard line to walk!

they are probably still concerned about you when you are not having negative behaviors. but i understand what you mean about liking the attention.

You're probably right, and she has even said that she'll still be there for me if I'm doing better. Gah, I hate how I like the negative attention but I don't know how to stop.

No one should judge you for this. You probably didn't get the attention you deserved growing up or something.
I freak out when my therapist says he's concerned, but I can understand wanting someone to care.

Thanks for being so understanding. I was really afraid everyone would attack me for being attention-seeking.

I think you are being very strong and insightful (not to mention brave) to identify and post about this. It's very understandable that the attention feels like a good thing. I'm sure your T and the rest of your team would understand exactly what you mean, and care about you just as much as ever, if you shared this with them. I think you should do that.

[tigerlily84]

I agree with Apteryx. I'm sure that your T has encountered this before with their other patients. We all do it. We just want someone to care about us. It's a very human and normal thing to do. I encourage you to share this with your T so that you can work through this. Good luck!

[QuietCat]

My T said this to me once. He said he was worried about me if I didn't start moving in the right direction, then he quickly went back and covered by saying something like, "I just mean I worry you'll be stuck in this rut, not that anything terrible will happen." But I could tell he'd actually been worrying about me and it frightened me to think I must be really bad if he's worried, but also it felt really nice to know he bothered to worry.

[granite1]

i think i would freak out completely if my T said she was worried about me.i guess i depend on her judgment as to weather i am OK or not. if my T starts to worry i think things are out of her controle and mine also.

[Miswimmy1]

totally get it. Im in the same boat. I try not to be needy, but it comes off like that. my biggest worry is that t will put up with me, and then when I really am in need, she won't believe me. :/ I'm interestd in what ppl hav to say about this topic because I want to stop. it makes me feel bad when I do it, but I am just so in need of any kind of atteention

[skeksi]

Do you think that you could say this to your T? Maybe the whole thing might be too overwhelming at first, but you could say that it feels good to hear T is concerned, that it makes you feel cared about. I don't think this will surprise T--I am sure it's common (I feel that way at times, too).

[retro_chic]

I feel the same way sometimes. I think for me it is because I don't talk to anyone (other than T) about my "issues" and so, as a result I don't get the sympathy I crave. It has become clear to me that I am transferring these feelings to my T. I know I need to expand my support and talk to my friends and family more but its hard. Maybe that could help you too (opening up to friends/family that is).

[mixedup_emotions]

I admire the risk you took in sharing this - and as you can see, you are not alone in having these feelings.

I remember my T telling me once - in relation to the idea of having relationships - that constant worrying/concern can be draining and ultimately can lead to resentment - and that the relationship feels better to him when it's in a healthy, happy place. He would prefer to think of the person with excitement and care - rather than worry and concern.

I definitely understand feeling that way. My t told me that once last winter, and it was somehow comforting, like i mattered. My old t said it to me one time too, and i felt the same way then too. I think its okay to feel that way-- we ALL want to feel like someone cares about us, right? Its ok to feel like we matter to other people, to want people to care. Its a basic human need

[feralkittymom]

You really have nothing to feel badly about with this. It's so very common. Many of us never saw concern demonstrated to us except when we were acting out or physically sick. So it's natural that we resort to this, knowingly or unknowingly, when we feel the need of caring from T. And the experience feels good, so it's reinforcing.

I went through a period when I would feel very sick physically during sessions: vertigo, stomach pain, nausea. I would turn white, sweat, and shake at times. Once my blood pressure dropped quite dramatically. It was completely out of my control at first. It felt horrible, but the display of nurturing from my T was very soothing, and I think I craved that. As I grew stronger, it happened far less frequently.

But I think mixedup is right that our Ts care about us just as much, but in a different way, when we're more stable, and they can also relax and take more enjoyment in their caring for us. It's just that it takes awhile for us to recognize that as real.

[onlytime]

Wow, I'm so grateful so many people bothered to reply and no one told me I'm being manipulative or attention-seeking!

I think you are being very strong and insightful (not to mention brave) to identify and post about this. It's very understandable that the attention feels like a good thing. I'm sure your T and the rest of your team would understand exactly what you mean, and care about you just as much as ever, if you shared this with them. I think you should do that.

Thanks for the kind words! You're right - I know I should bring this up with my T, but I'm so scared she will reject me. Or that she will stop showing that she cares as an attempt to make negative attention less reinforcing. I guess that's not a bad thing, but it'll feel bad.

I agree with Apteryx. I'm sure that your T has encountered this before with their other patients. We all do it. We just want someone to care about us. It's a very human and normal thing to do

It's so nice to hear that it's normal to crave this attention/caring. I guess I've been so ashamed I feel this way I've kept it to myself.

But I could tell he'd actually been worrying about me and it frightened me to think I must be really bad if he's worried, but also it felt really nice to know he bothered to worry

I totally get that you have mixed feelings about it. It's scary to think that you're not okay, but I definitely know what you mean about being glad to know someone bothered to worry.

i think i would freak out completely if my T said she was worried about me.i guess i depend on her judgment as to weather i am OK or not. if my T starts to worry i think things are out of her controle and mine also.

Do you think you can bring this up with your T? Good luck!

totally get it. Im in the same boat. I try not to be needy, but it comes off like that. my biggest worry is that t will put up with me, and then when I really am in need, she won't believe me.

YES - I have the same fear that my T won't believe me when things get really bad. I'm sorry you feel that way too but I'm also really glad I'm not alone. I wish I had some insight on this

Do you think that you could say this to your T? Maybe the whole thing might be too overwhelming at first, but you could say that it feels good to hear T is concerned, that it makes you feel cared about. I don't think this will surprise T--I am sure it's common (I feel that way at times, too).

Thanks for the validation! I see my T on Thursday - I'll try to muster up the courage to do it then!

I feel the same way sometimes. I think for me it is because I don't talk to anyone (other than T) about my "issues" and so, as a result I don't get the sympathy I crave. It has become clear to me that I am transferring these feelings to my T. I know I need to expand my support and talk to my friends and family more but its hard. Maybe that could help you too (opening up to friends/family that is).

That's a really good point - that's totally the case with me too, but I guess that never occurred to me. It's scary to open up to my friends and family bc I don't think they would understand. Plus, it might freak them out!

I remember my T telling me once - in relation to the idea of having relationships - that constant worrying/concern can be draining and ultimately can lead to resentment - and that the relationship feels better to him when it's in a healthy, happy place. He would prefer to think of the person with excitement and care - rather than worry and concern.

Thanks for sharing this! That's so true! I'm going to try to remind myself of that. Thanks!

I definitely understand feeling that way. My t told me that once last winter, and it was somehow comforting, like i mattered. My old t said it to me one time too, and i felt the same way then too. I think its okay to feel that way-- we ALL want to feel like someone cares about us, right? Its ok to feel like we matter to other people, to want people to care. Its a basic human need

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I felt like such a freak / awful person for having these thoughts. Thanks for your support!

You really have nothing to feel badly about with this. It's so very common. Many of us never saw concern demonstrated to us except when we were acting out or physically sick. So it's natural that we resort to this, knowingly or unknowingly, when we feel the need of caring from T. And the experience feels good, so it's reinforcing.
I went through a period when I would feel very sick physically during sessions: vertigo, stomach pain, nausea. I would turn white, sweat, and shake at times. Once my blood pressure dropped quite dramatically. It was completely out of my control at first. It felt horrible, but the display of nurturing from my T was very soothing, and I think I craved that. As I grew stronger, it happened far less frequently.

It's definitely the case with me that I didn't see others' concern when things were going well. I think I know people care, but it isn't as apparent as worry.
I'm so sorry you were so physically ill! That sounds awful! I'm glad you're feeling better now!