[elysia]

Sooo, I've been whining and complaining about my T. I have a session coming up very soon. She recently retraumatized me. I called her on it. That's difficult for me to do. She wants to discuss, or maybe even confront, me about this next time. I am so scared. I feel like I've reached the breaking point with her. So next session may very well be my last (may choose to terminate), which is scary, because money wise I don't have options to work with other Ts. It's also scary emotionally. I really just want to find that T that I have a great connection with and feel safe with, and in the bottom of my heart I know it's not her. I could use good wishes or cyber hugs if anyone feels comfortable. I'm just.... really scared. And I hope she's not going to retraumatize me. I'm hoping that if we end I can find the courage to say the words, and also that it doesn't turn into a fight (I don't fight with people, but I sure can get hurt by them). I hope that she also doesn't "lure" me back into therapy with her by saying what I want to hear and then going back on her word. As the hours remaining dwindle I get more and more scared. This is difficult.

Elysia, I hope both of you are able to work it out. I send lots of hugs, and positive thinking your way. May what you wish for, what you want, and what you need, come through for you.

[CantExplain]

((Elysia))

elysia, have you had your appointment yet? How did it go? Did you quit?

How did it pan out?

[elysia]

Aw thanks for remember and asking, guys.

I was going to start a thread about it.... but may as well keep this one alive and respond here.

I went to T. I came away very confused. T did everything I wanted her to do to make me feel not triggered, and didn't push any of her own "ideas" on me. We talked about my past some and some lighter things. We didn't get around to our T work together, but I think she was trying to be sensitive to me and that I needed time before broaching the subject, which is difficult for me, but we agreed to talk about it next time.

It would have been easier if T had been difficult... then I'd quit. Now I feel confused. I know I still find her cold but at least she was good this week. However I know she still has her own ideas of things she thinks we should cover and ways to push me.... which I'm not comfortable with. So, until next week comes around, I won't find out yet if we've hit an impasse. And I feel so much anxiety knowing that "the conversation" is ahead of me. I'm lousy at confrontation.

I'll post more as things progress. Thanks for asking, and.... I know it's my decision, but do you guys have any words of wisdom? Sometimes it's nice to hear from people outside the situation.... even though I know I haven't gone into any great depth.

[feralkittymom]

You know, there came a time when my T asked me a question based upon something I'd said, and despite his gentleness in how he asked, it triggered me dramatically. I was crying and shaking, and I just kept begging him to please not make me answer--that I couldn't. His response was to suggest that I just add "yet" to what I'd said.

Maybe that's the way to approach this, too. You don't have to decide now. See how it goes. You don't have to have a full map of what's to come. Just week by week. Maybe you'll end up quitting, but just not "yet."