Success...at destruction

I set out a month ago (or maybe two months ago. time is funny) to push my T away. She was getting too close. Things were too congenial. The interaction too easy. I admitted a week or two later what I'd been trying to do and why. She said I'd succeeded.

I thought I stopped pushing at that point, but I guess not. I have now reached complete success as T is clearly frustrated and irritated with me.

Our relationship is over, which is what I wanted. I don't want to be in therapy anymore. I don't want to work on it, and I don't want to work on life. I'm just waiting.

Ultimate success, so why does part of me still just want to reach out to T and get reassurance (something I've almost never done). How could I intrude on her time now after having walked out half-way through session?

I need to decide and stick with that choice. I want to decide to quit, but it makes me angry that she will go along in life thinking (if she thinks at all) that I couldn't face the work.

Success doesn't feel as great as I'd hoped.

You can still go back. Really, you can.

yea. idk. i am going friday, but i think it will be to quit. just need to muster up all the hatred i've ever had for t

Perhaps you could try working with the therapist pushed away. I need the therapist to stay back. If the woman gets to close, I can't do anything but think about how she needs to get back. Once she gets back away from me, then I can do other things in therapy.

I am confused. Why it it an "ultimate success" to push away a T, when they are there for the leaving? It's like saying that you were successful in walking away from the grocery store.

Sometimes our emotional response tells us something important about the wisdom of our choices. I think yours is telling you that you are not done yet. Expend the energy that you would have spent pushing her away on reconnecting and working to make yourself better.

I have little doubt that T is there for the leaving. I guess i just mean that the relationship has clearly eroded. in the past, when i've had the urge to quit, there was something solid underneath that gave me pause

Then why do you need to "muster up hate"? If there is no relationship there and it can't be restored-- which I doubt, otherwise I think you wouldn't have any strong feelings or reactions about it, which it seems like you do-- then you would quit and look elsewhere.

Might it be possible that this is an important task for you to work on, figuring out how to reconnect (assuming you want to)? It's okay to not want to, but it seems like you possibly might. You can go in and say that this is what you want, but you don't know how, please help.

Fixated, you really need to do this work. You can work through this need to push away. It is a fear of intimacy.

I also have the same fear of intimacy. When I get like this, I start asking myself why I am choosing to hurt myself.