[Focus62]

I am not doing well right now. I feel so hopeless, these flashbacks are making me sick. I feel so needy and stupid, I really just want to see my T, I don't see her till Tuesday. I guess it's good I can't get in touch with my T right now cause I would want to talk to her but I know I wouldn't be able to. I am too scared. I don't think she can help me out of this hole. I feel stuck and I just don't want to do this anymore. I can't live in my own head... I would rather die. These flashbacks are too much for me.

[roads]

Flashbacks can be overwhelming, all-powerful--you shouldn't have to deal with them on your own. If you can't get hold of someone in you support system before Tuesday, then call whatever emergency number your T gave you.
If you didn't get one, does your T have an answering service? If so, ask them for an emergency number. You need to talk with someone NOW.
If that doesn't get you someone, please use these numbers:

CRISES AND SUICIDE

Girls & Boys Town National Hotline
(800) 448-3000

International Suicide Hotlines

National Hopeline Network
(800) SUICIDE

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-TALK (8255)

National Youth Crisis Hotline
(800) 442-HOPE (4673)

[~EnlightenMe~]

Focus

[Focus62]

My T doesn't have an answering service, she's a college campus T. I don't want to call anyone, people on the helplines aren't going to be able to help me... I would rather go to the hospital than call a helpline and I am not going to the hospital. I am really really struggling and I hate these thoughts but I won't act on anything. I just want them to go away .

[Wren_]

(((((focus))))) does anything help when they are bad like this?

[Focus62]

I don't wish I was home but I wish I at least had access to my furry pets at home, that's the only thing that really soothes me, they keep me present and feeling safer than I do now...I have my gecko here at school with me, but it's not the same as a cat or a dog, not even close. She will hang out with me and as crazy as it sounds, it is a comfort, but she is not enough to keep my mind "here." I don't know what to do right now, I am at a loss, I am so scared. I can't feel safe when I am remembering.

[Wren_]

doesn't sound crazy at all .., I'm glad your gecko is there at least do you have anything else that can help ground you a little? distract you from the thoughts ... can you watch a movie or something on tv to see if that eases your head a tiny bit

[Wren_]

I know you are scared

I'm not very good at doing grounding stuff myself but I know it helps a lot of people...

http://www.bcbhr.org/Articles.aspx?7

has a lot of suggestions .... sometimes just reminding yourself you are safe can help a little

[Focus62]

I am glad she is too...I can't live without a pet in my life. I have been trying to keep busy for the last few hours and I just can't get my mind to stay with something long enough to get out of this vicious cycle. I need peace from this. I am trying to distract myself, I am trying.

Thanks for the link tigergirl. I will check it out.

[Wren_]

I've played the same boring computer game over and over and over to distract from flashbacks .... I know this is hard

geckos .... so does she in some kind of tank? what does your gecko eat?

[Focus62]

It is hard...but I am attempting to refocus.

Yeah she lives in a tank where I made the background and planted it and everything. It's kind of a hobby of mine, to custom outfit tanks. She's an arboreal gecko that lives in the rainforest in the wild. She's got a cool prehensile tail and kinda hugs your hand when you hold her, she's real cute. They're mainly frugivorous so they eat fruit and some insects. I actually have two other geckos, but I haven't been able to bring them to school with me yet. I'll bring them up when I go home for thanksgiving break (ugh). I love them...they are so interesting to watch.

This is helping me. Thank you. I really needed some contact, someone to help get me out of my head. I know I'll be okay...I am just really high-strung right now. I got into a flashback at the drop of a hat, it seems. Things have been so stirred up for me lately, I just don't know how to stop it all from crashing through my head.

[Wren_]

sometimes they seem to do that with anything setting things off

that's great with the tank ... have you done them for others or just your own tanks? will the other two geckos share the one tank? sorry I don't know much about owning geckos (well I know more now than I did an hour ago!)

[Focus62]

It's okay, I like talking about them. I've only made tanks for my own, though if someone asked me to do one, I certainly wouldn't turn it down. They're really fun to make, they just take a lot of time.

The other two geckos don't share a tank, they're solitary creatures unless you have a male and female together but then you get lots of babies and I definitely don't need to have 12-16 baby geckos hanging around! It's interesting, one of the species I keep actually has documented cases of parthenogenesis (producing a fertile egg without having ever mated before) occurring, so I might have a virgin-birth gecko baby on my hands one day, who knows. I guess that would be kind of cool...

I am feeling less in my head now. I am wondering if I should just call it quits for the night and go to bed...see if I can get some sleep. I don't know if I'll be able to though, and I really don't want to wake from nightmares. It's hard to escape sometimes.

[Wren_]

that would be bizarre if you ended up having lots of gecko babies with a female on her own ...

a decorated tank would make a great gift if you knew someone liked geckos

you could try sleeping and see how you go

[Focus62]

Ugh. Can't sleep . Got so much on my mind...

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Focus62 ))))

I hear you about not being able to sleep when you have so much on your mind....and can also empathize about the flashbacks....

Just the other night, my mind was racing and I absolutely could not sleep...so by 3 AM, I opened up my laptop and just started typing and typing and typing - anything and everything that came out of my head - didn't pay any attention to what was being typed - until my fingers ached. I saved the file (actually, called it "Journaling of a Mad Woman at 3 AM", LOL)....and was finally able to sleep.

I woke up remembering that I had done that but had absolutely NO clue what I written....and that was ok. I went back to it a couple days later and was actually surprised at some of what I had written. But that's neither here or nor there. The point being, just getting it out was what I needed in order to be able to sleep.

[Focus62]

Well I finally got to sleep, and I woke up this morning to thoughts of SI... I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm usually not like this. I'm not even a SI-er, I have only ever done it once in my life and it didn't help me at all. I just want this to end and have things be relatively okay again. I want to put this all away but I can't anymore. It's out now and I don't know how to put it back. I need help but I can't help myself. I don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless and lost . I am so upset.

[Sannah]

I hope you talk to your T about this tomorrow. Can you contact your T today?

Focus, how about telling us more about your geckos? Can you train them to do things?

I had hamsters in college (because I was into furry rather than reptilian). I trained them to come when they were called, to sit on command and sit up and beg. I loved my hamsters. My first two were Hershey and Fluff (they were teddy bear hamsters). I had a mixed breed one after the kids were born. We named her Sarah. She would hang out on my shoulder or ride in my shirt pocket. I adored her.

[Wren_]

how are you feeling now?

[Focus62]

I tried to get in contact with my T today because it's getting a lot worse (thoughts of sui creeping in), but I couldn't as she was out of the office all day and I didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone else about it. I'm am really not dealing well at all . I haven't SIed though I was really close this morning... instead I've just been clenching my fists so hard that my nails are leaving little red marks on my palms... I am so tense and anxious. I hate this...

I think I have figured out the main reason I am feeling this way lately... They upped my dose of my medication a few days ago and ever since then I've been getting worse and couple that with flashbacks and all rational thought goes out the window. I know I need to talk about it with my T, I will try to talk to my T about it tomorrow morning and I think she'll help me get a doctor appointment with someone competent (the "doctor" that's been working with me on this is just a physician's assistant and she doesn't seem that knowledgeable about these medications). I'm really scared to tell my T how I've been feeling...makes me feel weak. This is really hard but I am hanging on...I have to.

That is cool about your hamsters MKAC. I had a lot of hamsters growing up, I just recently turned to geckos... I can't train them to do things, though it is still fun to let them climb around on you like you're a jungle gym.

[Sannah]

Sounds like a good plan Focus. Let us know how it goes?

[Focus62]

I met with my T today. She is such a good T and I am so thankful for her. She also had her therapy dog there today for me and it is amazing to me how much just being able to pet a dog improves my mood. I am feeling a lot calmer after talking with her today and we got the meds figured out and I will hopefully be feeling a lot better soon. I told her about the thoughts and she didn't freak out or anything and was very calm about it which I was thankful for...we also talked about the previous session when I had the flashback in front of her and talked about what worked and didn't work when she was trying to ground me. She gets me, that is such a good feeling. She offered to see me twice a week if I wanted though I turned it down cause I think it would keep me "stuck" in my feelings so to speak... Instead we decided on doing an hour and a half long session every week instead of just an hour. She really seems committed to helping me and I've never had that from anyone--it's hard for me to comprehend, honestly but I am grateful.

We talked today too some about my child part and I was telling her how wrong it felt to try and comfort "her"... she told me that even though I couldn't see it now, she could see how loveable she is and that she is a sweetheart and that she could see that she tried so hard to do the right thing when she was younger . I didn't know quite what to say to that so I didn't say anything but it felt good to hear...even though she's right that I don't feel that way about her right now.

It was just what I needed. It's always what I need.

[Sannah]

Good work Focus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!