I haven't been fully communicating with my mother and father for the past 1 1/2...since starting therapy and talking all about all the abuse in my FOO.
My dad is in his mid 80s and he is in the hospital. It seems that what he has is treatable.... but due to his age when I got the news, I worried...

My dad used to be nice when I was under 5... made up bed time stories and all that... but my only other memories of him after that are of him yelling and screaming at my mom...getting in fist fights with my teenage brothers and generally being mean...

I had an immediate reaction of what if I don't get to tell my dad that I love him... Then I realized I've told him that in the past and meant it... but what the five year old me is really sad about is what if I never hear him tell me he loves me... that is the painful truth... I most likely will never hear that...I thought I had already dealt with this..

Then my sister who generally annoys me anyway, was going on and on about how my Dad hates this doctor because he's fat and my dad hates fat people especially fat women.... she must have said it 3 or 4 times...
of course I'm overweight so I probably disgust him too...

I was never good enough in the past and I'll never be good enough now...

I don't know how paying someone to tell them stuff like this is supposed to make it better... I just needed to get this out... guess I'm just being needy...looking for support

[Chopin99]

((((RTS))))

I hope that you know that even if you don't get what you want from your dad, that you deserve it. You are worthy of it, just like you are, right now, in this moment.

[unaluna]

you probably know more about your dad than you realize. but what he's going thru now, is more about him and his ancestors, is how it was for my dad. That's who he "saw" - his dead brothers, and his mother and aunt who had taken care of him as a boy. I believe, if he didn't bond with you regardless of your size before now, over the course of your life, it's not going to magically happen now. Like cramming for an exam. It won't take.

Originally Posted by hankster

I believe, if he didn't bond with you regardless of your size before now, over the course of your life, it's not going to magically happen now. Like cramming for an exam. It won't take.

Yep....the painful truth!

[feralkittymom]

I feel for you. It may sound horrible to say it, but at the time my parents died, in all the rush of emotions, I felt relief. Real relief. Not because I hated them or wished them ill. Just because I was so tired of the fear and pain and unfulfilled dreams that surrounded my relationship with them. Although it hurt to know that I'd never have the relationship experience I'd wished for, I also felt relieved of the insistence to keep hoping for it. It was sad, but it was also freeing.

Tonight I talked to my T about my relationship with my father or lack there of... She thinks we should work on a letter to my dad together during session...not necessarily with the intention of giving it to him but to give my feelings a voice...

I've heard of people writing letters even without giving them to people but has anyone worked on writing on with their T? want to share that experience?

RS, say what you need to say to your dad, so there are no regrets. How he takes it is up to him. I am not close with either parent and when they die I already know I'll have a mountain of regret unless I can muster the courage to have my say before hand. Parents should love their children unconditionally and your weight should not play into this, you are a good person and deserve peace over this.

Thanks Lola...the weight comment was like the final nail in the coffin (terrible pun in this situation)... I don't have and don't remember having after age 5 any kind of relationship with my father.... my only feelings about my dad that I remember from age 12 and up were fear...

There is a part of me that wishes and grieves for the daddy I never had..... not sure what there is to say to the father I do have....

But there is a part of me that inside panicked when my T said work on a letter together in session to my father... not to give if I don't want to but to give my feelings a voice...
It would be really hard for me to talk to T about some of the things I missed out on having that some girls have with their Dads... it would be gut wrenching if I was honest and I'm so not used to letting anyone see me like that or to let them know I have those types of feelings... It would be so hard...

It would help to hear of anyones experience with doing this with a T....

I wish I could help, but i am just now starting to work on my dad issues. I do know that when my abusive step father died, I had regret for not telling him how I felt. I think the letter is a good idea.... even if you don't give it to him.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Thanks Lola...the weight comment was like the final nail in the coffin (terrible pun in this situation)... I don't have and don't remember having after age 5 any kind of relationship with my father.... my only feelings about my dad that I remember from age 12 and up were fear...

There is a part of me that wishes and grieves for the daddy I never had..... not sure what there is to say to the father I do have....

But there is a part of me that inside panicked when my T said work on a letter together in session to my father... not to give if I don't want to but to give my feelings a voice...
It would be really hard for me to talk to T about some of the things I missed out on having that some girls have with their Dads... it would be gut wrenching if I was honest and I'm so not used to letting anyone see me like that or to let them know I have those types of feelings... It would be so hard...

It would help to hear of anyones experience with doing this with a T....

I never worked on a letter per se, but certainly spent a lot of time sharing my regrets for the relationship I never had--and the pain of the relationship I did have. There really is no better place to explore these feelings than therapy. At the very least, your T will be supportive. If you're lucky, your T will be able to use what you say to further help you to lessen that pain and to understand yourself.

[sunrise]

I encourage you to work on the relationship with your father, whether by the letter or other means. Just because your father hasn't told you he loves you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Some people just aren't comfortable speaking the words, due to their own upbringing, experience, and personality. It may help your father to express himself if you say the first words and let him know how you feel and that you want to be closer. You will never know unless you try. I wouldn't put too much stock in what your sister says about your father's reaction to people who are overweight. That's just hearsay. Don't condemn your father on hearsay--even if it's true, he may think quite differently about his own daughter. Make the first move and who knows, you may be surprised. Your T should definitely be able to help with this. Good luck to you.