[rainbow8]

Trigger for sexual talk about my session



I'm on the verge of emailing my T. That wouldn't be the end of the world; I emailed her last week once about my session and I felt better. As usual, I know I will not get an email back and that's okay.

Talking about being triggered in my session in DBT didn't help so much. I think it triggered me more. What I really want is for my T to know that she embarrassed me!! If I don't email her, I'll ruminate more instead of less until my session. If I do email, at least I know that she knows how I feel.

Maybe if I write more about it here, it will take the place of emailing. I'm not sure because the SE is stirring up a lot, and the last session was a little traumatic for me. Not in a bad way. I think in a productive way because I'm getting to really core, deep issues.

T embarrassed me because she told me that SHE saw and felt a sexual aspect. She then went on about "crossing over" and I was too embarrassed to ask what she meant. Then she said that we have to be mindful of this. She said that I have to get this from my H. She said, you don't get it from him, do you? I was going "away" at this point, dissociating, so I closed my eyes and told her I wasn't going to answer. Then, after a minute or so, I said "You know the answer to that." She said it's, "no", correct. I said "yes". She KNEW that already!

Besides, I was NOT thinking about sex and was not aroused during the session. I was self-conscious in general, but I think she read the signals wrong! She doesn't know when I feel those feelings. It's more likely when she smiles at me in a certain way, not when I'm trying to hold her hand. The only time, and I told her, that for SURE it felt sexual was when she tapped on my knees during EMDR. So she never did that again.

The bottom line is that she really and truly embarrassed me! I know she didn't mean to, and I know there is a lot to talk with her about it, but she could have been more subtle/gentle. It's unlike her to talk to me like she did.

I felt embarrassed already, about wanting to hold her hands, but she didn't want me to feel embarrassed about that. Not until the end of the session. So I don't understand what happened. I'm SO confused about it.

Do you think she picked up on something I'm denying? I've been open about the part who is "in love with her" but that's not about sex. We once talked about "what if I were attracted to her" and what if I were bisexual? But, honestly, at this session I THOUGHT it was about my just wanting that "blanket of love" again, that safe touch I had before with her. Holding hands has always felt safe, not sexual.

I am very confused about all of this. I'd really like opinions, not about whether it's right or wrong to hold her hand, but about the whole touching/sexual issue. About shame/embarrassment. About whether I should try NOT to email her. about: did my T have the right to be so blunt and say what she felt about "crossing over"? She was correct that we have to be mindful so maybe I'm overreacting. It was the end of the session so that didn't help matters. There wasn't time to discuss it more.

If I can discuss it here, maybe I don't have to email. I'm busy today, and I won't be online tonight. I do have a session Tuesday so I can wait, I suppose. I could call my DBT leader, but I don't want to sit and wait for a call back, and by the time she calls it will be Monday already.

Is the above an example of my ruminating? They are legitimate concerns and feelings. Ts shouldn't embarrass us!

[unaluna]

I was thinking about you during breakfast this morning. I disagree - there may be embarrassing moments in therapy. I think it's okay. Our parents avoiding them is what caused these problems to begin with. Why was it okay for you to be your brother's plaything? who shirked their responsibility to protect you? did they think you invited it? that was kind of the case with me, I was blamed. now you feel "blamed". do you see how that all fits together? if you can put the anger where it belongs, on whom it belongs, it might take the onus off you. take the mystery off you.

From what you described, it didn't sound "blunt", nor was it at all surprising that she said it. This isn't particularly anything new from an outside perspective. You've talked about this a lot on PC.

You need to keep in mind that YOUR reaction was embarassment, but that is YOUR reaction. She didn't cause you that embarassment; that is simply how YOU reacted. It goes right along with your constant shame about all things T. I honestly don't see your reaction as particularly different than how you react to just about any of your T issues. Just a day or so ago you were embarassed/ashamed in DBT group because you felt you were criticized for making a mistake. This really isn't all that different. This seems to be more about your issues with shame than being specifically about the whole hand holding incident. I think you are having trouble seeing the forest for the trees, so to speak. (Which is sort of what your DBT T was saying about broadening your goals, etc.)

Yes, you are ruminating about this. Again, you tend to ruminate constantly about all things T. Again, not really new.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

I was thinking about you during breakfast this morning. I disagree - there may be embarrassing moments in therapy. I think it's okay. Our parents avoiding them is what caused these problems to begin with. Why was it okay for you to be your brother's plaything? who shirked their responsibility to protect you? did they think you invited it? that was kind of the case with me, I was blamed. now you feel "blamed". do you see how that all fits together? if you can put the anger where it belongs, on whom it belongs, it might take the onus off you. take the mystery off you.

Thanks, hankster. I do realize the touching stuff with T has to do with my brother, boundaries, etc. At least I think it does. My parents didn't know. I didn't tell them. My brother and I played together a lot. We were alone playing monopoly and normal stuff. So being in the room alone with him wasn't unusual. We even shared a bedroom when we were younger. It may have been a few minutes of the "sexual touching". How were my parents to know if I didn't tell them? Am I supposed to be angry with them? I'm not angry with my brother for what he did when he was 9 or even 10. I am VERY angry for what he did when he was 20, though!!! That was sick!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

From what you described, it didn't sound "blunt", nor was it at all surprising that she said it. This isn't particularly anything new from an outside perspective. You've talked about this a lot on PC.

You need to keep in mind that YOUR reaction was embarassment, but that is YOUR reaction. She didn't cause you that embarassment; that is simply how YOU reacted. It goes right along with your constant shame about all things T. I honestly don't see your reaction as particularly different than how you react to just about any of your T issues. Just a day or so ago you were embarassed/ashamed in DBT group because you felt you were criticized for making a mistake. This really isn't all that different. This seems to be more about your issues with shame than being specifically about the whole hand holding incident. I think you are having trouble seeing the forest for the trees, so to speak. (Which is sort of what your DBT T was saying about broadening your goals, etc.)

Yes, you are ruminating about this. Again, you tend to ruminate constantly about all things T. Again, not really new.

Thank you for your perspective, Chris. You may be correct. You usually are! But what about the fact that it hurts me? This whole shame stuff, boundaries, etc.? It may not be new, but it hurts just the same. I want T so badly. I don't know for what, but I do. Tuesday seems so far away!

[rainbow8]

It hurts to see "thanks" and not "hugs". Can't you guys see that I'm hurting? Why doesn't anyone like me?

Why do so many people read my threads but they don't say anything to me like I'm invisible?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thank you for your perspective, Chris. You may be correct. You usually are! But what about the fact that it hurts me? This whole shame stuff, boundaries, etc.? It may not be new, but it hurts just the same. I want T so badly. I don't know for what, but I do. Tuesday seems so far away!

Rain you have been in therapy for what? ...15-20 years. You post about the excact same things in here week after week. My main concern is that you sometimes write about your issues as if you just went into therapy for the first time, leading people to believe you are making huge progress. You have had hundreds and hundreds of responses and people who try to help you ,yet it seems your " progress" only last a few days or weeks. You are completely cable of writing about gratefulness, DBTskills, boundaries...But nothing really changes does it? This is not a critical comment. I feel sorry for you and encourage you to look deep within yourself sometimes and also look at the bigger picture of life sometimes.

[pbutton]

I find that when I am stuck in a pattern, the best way to grow and to change is to break the pattern.

So, in your case, maybe try doing the opposite of what you normally do. Don't repeatedly post about it, don't ruminate - distract yourself with the thoughts of your other issues, like the quality of your your RL relationships, or the way your past abuse is affecting your life now. Find something to do other than focus on therapy.

Did you see in Granite's thread where she realized that thinking about her therapist's comments was easier than facing her core issues? Is there a way you could apply that to yourself?

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Why do so many people read my threads but they don't say anything to me like I'm invisible?

Truth? I am one of these people. I find your behavior very triggering so I try to temper my responses.

I am sure you will say that you wish this wasn't so. But it is true.

However, I am not the only person here to respond this way to you. Which makes me think that it probably happens to you offline as well. It may be worth considering trying to determine which behaviors of yours drive people away. Because obviously that isn't the goal that you're aiming for.

[granite1]

hey rain .so if you are saying that this time when you asked your T to hold your hand that you had no sexual thought at all? not even this is not sexual i just want to hold hands etc...if it is true that this time you were looking for that blanket of maternal love etc.. that is OK but it was different and maybe your T was picking up on that and thought maybe it was because you were scared of sexualizing it or thinking she is and was checking it out. whatever it is it is OK.i know she is opening to talking to you.the fact that you were so ashamed by it maybe you need to talk about it. ruminating about it is probably not all that helpful you cant do anything about it.and you will see her soon.i know it is hard to sit with these things. it is normal to be embarrassed to be confronted with these feelings but it doesn't mean your T has a problem with it.as chris says these are your emotions.i don't think you telling your T about it will cause a huge crisis.maybe talking to your DBT T about how for you this has turned into a huge crisis of shame and how to not catastrophize it

[lostin08]

So sorry Rain.......

[quote=rainbow8;2712616]It hurts to see "thanks" and not "hugs". Can't you guys see that I'm hurting? Why doesn't anyone like me?

Why do so many people read my threads but they don't say anything to me like I'm invisible?[/quote]

I understand having these feelings...and I know when other people have responded to this issue to other people they say if they don't have anything supportive to say they don't comment or if the issue doesn't apply to them and they have no insight they don't comment... in my really down times...I think its because no one like me too.

Here is my reply to your original post... I don't think your T "embarassed" you... I think you find the subject embarrassing. Lots of subjects that I talked to xT about I found myself embarrassed... he did not "shame me" for my feeings... it was only me who was embarrassed by them...

Instead of getting angry... rarely do our feelings for our T... good or bad, sexual or not...have to do with our T... why not look at your history or relationships and see what is it that your T is giving that you are missing in other relationships... why not use this time between sessions to think about ways to get those needs met outside of T? or what patterns that you notice with friends or families that are similar?

[rainbow8]

Okay. I will try to stay away from PC. I hate it.

[venusss]

Do you think she picked up on something I'm denying? I've been open about the part who is "in love with her" but that's not about sex. We once talked about "what if I were attracted to her" and what if I were bisexual? But, honestly, at this session I THOUGHT it was about my just wanting that "blanket of love" again, that safe touch I had before with her. Holding hands has always felt safe, not sexual.

speaking of that, for some reason I remember reading that poem some time ago... and I felt quite erotic vibe from it.

It seems you always skirt to the "I am attracted" thing, but then write it off as "yucky" or "it's a part, y'all". But... tbh, maybe it's not all about baby parts.

Maybe you are hiding some feelings, and maybe your sexuality is part of why you have your pattern.

Rainbow, saying we all hate you isn't a positive way to get attention. It is off-putting and accusatory (wrongly so, for the most part). You seem to be having a bit of a temper tantrum today. What gives?

[granite1]

i think all of us can see you are hurting and want to help but maybe saying we don't like you is being a bit accusitory and will eventually turn this thread into its usural advisarial thread do you want it to go that way .this is the same pattern as usural with your threads. i know i like you and have no reason to hate you but would rather be responding to your issue then to weather i or others like you .if that is what you really want to know why not start a thread about that. rare you trying to redirect this thread away from its origonal subject because you dont like the responces i dont see them as all bad at all rain.

[unaluna]

have you spoken with T about what your brother did when he was 20? was your mother alive then and aware of it? why did you put it in bold? why didn't you just say it instead of hinting at it and making us ask? after a year plus, I don't like having to prove my care or interest in you. if you want to talk about something, we're here. if you don't, a t waits until you're ready. no sense in pushing it. but it made you feel unloved?

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Rainbow, saying we all hate you isn't a positive way to get attention. It is off-putting and accusatory (wrongly so, for the most part). You seem to be having a bit of a temper tantrum today. What gives?

Temper trantrum= hugs and attention. It´s not the first time round...sigh.

Even making the statement of leaving PC just got people to respond. It works every time.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Okay. I will try to stay away from PC. I hate it.

stop it rain is this really what you want .i dont think so so why are you taking it that way why not just stop yourself and accept the responces and take what you can out of them. i know i care aboput you and again would rather be responding to what you want help with not this guilt push pull and i don't believe at all you hate pc or me

[venusss]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It hurts to see "thanks" and not "hugs". Can't you guys see that I'm hurting? Why doesn't anyone like me?

Why do so many people read my threads but they don't say anything to me like I'm invisible?

and why do you care at your age and the point of life you are at about people clicking or not clicking a hug button?


and yes, as for not responding, you get upset over certain answers... so some don't bother anymore. Some are triggered or whatnot.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by lonelybychoice

Temper trantrum= hugs and attention. It´s not the first time round...sigh.

it does get tiring! I don't know how T's handle do it!

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by hankster

it does get tiring! I don't know how T's handle do it!

Sometimes they take people at their word and accept whatever the terms of the tantrum are. It's always interesting to see the posts here after that happens.

Originally Posted by hankster

it does get tiring! I don't know how T's handle do it!

Out of proffessional care... after a while because they get paid to do so.

Sorry that comment reflected my own issues I think

Edit: Venus made an interesting point...Being in your sixties and have a tantrum over not getting hugs on an online forum is quite interesting.

Makes me wonder if attention= hits and hugs and the amount of replies are more important than the replies in themselves. That would explain alot. And maybe thats why you press the " thank you " button, to all of us. = I don´t really care what you write but thank you for " entering my thread" an given me attention.

[Brightheart]

Hi Rainbow. I'm sorry you're feeling upset.

What is it, do you think, that you need from us here now? It's okay to ask for what you need.

You know I like you. You're my friend and I want to be here for you.

It's true that others don't cause our feelings and/or responses. This is not to minimize your feelings in any way. I would always want you to feel respected and heard. I hear that you felt embarrassed by what happened in therapy. I know that is an uncomfortable feeling. Does it help to express yourself more about this?

From my personal perspective, I don't think that sexual feelings in therapy, if you happen to have them, necessarily equate to sex. It can be a transferred response and it can have many meanings.

I'm not judging you, Rainbow. I care and I accept you.

[wotchermuggle]

You said you would feel better if you emailed your T and just got it off your chest.

You could word it like......"I was thinking about what you said and after some hard soul searching, I don't feel like I was sexualizing our relationship. I feel like I was looking for some sense of maternal affection, which I think is completely different. I feel shamed and embarrassed that you might have perceived my actions/requests in a sexual nature and I hope we can further discuss this at our next session."