[Chopin99]

I stumbled across this picture on Facebook. My T has said this several times. What do you think?

[murray]

That's interesting but I think I have to disagree. For so many years I could have told my story without crying because I was so disconnected to any feeling around it or anything really. So perhaps once I have worked through actually feeling the emotions and dealing with things, then being able to tell my story without crying might be a sign of healing. Not sure though.

[granite1]

i can tell my story with absoluitly no emotion at all in fact most times that is the only way i can tell it. if i can speak it at all

[pbutton]

I tell my story with no emotion. I can tell it and say it's not a big deal.

[mixedup_emotions]

I was able to share parts of my story early on in therapy, in a matter-of-fact way. Now that I am more connected to my emotions, it's incredibly difficult to share. So, I agree that this statement doesn't seem to fit.

I understand the idea, and I'd imagine that it would signify healing if it also meant that you weren't detached from the emotions.

I'm not sure if I can agree with it. Basically for the same reason. I told a lot of my story to T in a way that made it like it was no big deal. T told me much later that I almost had her convinced that I really didn't think it was a big deal. There was no emotion tied to telling my story. Then one time after an EMDR session, I broke down, totally blubbering mess in T's office.

So, basically unless the quote is implying that you've told the story, delt with the emotions and are in a better place with it, then I disagree. Because the only way through is through.

[Screenager]

My "story" so far is nothing too bad. It's the future that makes me cry.

There was a time I had no emotion about my "story", and then I went through a time when I had anxiety, I cried, I ruminated, I became overwhelmed EVERY time I talked about my story. But I worked at it and worked through it, and now I can talk about it again without crying because it is just a piece of my history now that I've dealt with the underlying issues and how it carries over into my life.

I think you do need to experience emotions about your story; that's part of the healing process, but I also think there can come a time when you can find a perspective and sort of peace with the past and move on with life again.

[sconnie892]

I can also be very factual with my story and completely separate myself from the emotions. Hence I have never cried in t.

Last session t and I somewhat talked about this. She said last year I was emotionally flat on the outside and at least now I was showing feelings. It wasn't that I didn't have feelings, I just kept them very well hidden. I guess for me it's completely opposite - I will have healed when I am crying while I tell my story.

[autotelica]

Some people don't have a story and they are all kinds of messed up.

[elliemay]

I think you have healed when you tell your story and have a choice about whether to cry or not.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by autotelica

Some people don't have a story and they are all kinds of messed up.

thats me.

[CantExplain]

I don't want to dis your T, Cho Ping, but I think this is a trifle optimistic.

[feralkittymom]

I get the sentiment, but I don't think it's the only way. I cried my eyes out from day 1--that wasn't the problem. The in/ability to control whether to cry or not, as elliemay said, may be part of it. But I think it's less about the actual crying and more about the intention behind the tears.

If the pain has been sufficiently grieved, and the healing complete, there's a freedom from needing to cry. But that isn't the same to me as the choice to cry, nor the appropriateness of crying.

Sometimes the welling up of tears serves as a reminder to us of our humanity and our connection to those outside of ourselves.

If the context of sharing our story is to show empathy for another's story, maybe the tears are more about their story than ours.

And tears can be a gift to the other person. It's our empathy based upon our experience that makes the tears possible, and to offer those tears to another can be extremely healing for that person and gratifying to us.

It´s an interesting thread Chopin. Thanks.

I personally know I am healing ( in some aspects of my life) because I can cry, when thinking about it.

I have been emotionally detached to " my story" all my life. I am proud that I can cry when I look back. It´s not out of self pitty or to get sympathy.
I CHOOSE to do it because I realised that I am human and I need to validate and get an reaction to my past ( within me) . I am beginning to accept myself as a human being and take my self serious. If I heard someone elses story like mine I would feel really sad. To me it shows be that I am starting to respect and validate my own experiences.

I am the biggest " crying person ever" but not with my own stuff usually. So to me it´s progress. I have forgiven the people who played a part in my past so maybe thats why I can sort of just sit with it, have an emotional reaction and sort of " give my self a hug". Hard to explain and I do have a long way to go, but I am really proud just in this specific area.

To me it´s really not about crying though. It´s about letting go. Letting go of the buit up fences and forgiveness.

I do understand the sentiment and what your T is saying, though. To me it´s just not only about not crying versus not crying when talking about healing. Don´t know if that even made sence.

When I tell my story and it makes me cry for the child within, and all the injustices that she was forced to bear ALONE then I know I will be truly healed.

[stopdog]

The sentiment is sort of the opposite of what the therapist I see has said. The woman always tells me I am too detached/sound like a robot when recounting some things. The way she says it does not lead me to believe she is enamored of how I do it (though I know no other way as I don't feel anything when recounting). And she has said stuff about me crying with her but that causes me a great deal of anxiety and I have asked her to stop.

I think I disagree ...

[rainbow8]

I also disagree. I think healing will come for me when I am able to cry in therapy about my past and also about my present.

[rainbow_rose]

I agree with it, Chopin. The grief work i've done it therapy - i used to want to cry (or i would dissociate) every time i thought of this person ... now, after therapy work, when I think of this person, the tears don't come as quick and i know some healing has happened.

[Anne2.0]

I think there is something to this, although I don't think it defines healing and from where I sit, healing happens in a number of different ways.

I know that I can talk about things now in a way that is much different than it used to be, my own relationship to my story has shifted in that I am more peaceful, integrated, yet distanced from the most disturbing and emotional parts of it. My T has said a couple of times that when I talk about the same things now as I did a year ago, I talk about them in a completely different way, my face looks different, my body posture and tone are different, etc. I know that I just don't feel "wound up" in the way that I used to and letting things go is a lot easier. At the same time, I think I do spend more time crying, off and on, in T than I used to.

[unaluna]

I think the picture is talking about "normal" people, the "average" person. A lot of us have pre-verbal, pre-Oedipal issues - that's why we don't cry when first telling our stories, we aren't fully integrated with our emotions. Then we go thru a phase where we CAN cry, then we get beyond it. That's my reading of the picture.

[Chopin99]

A big thanks everyone for all your replies!! When I saw the picture posted on Facebook, it reminded me of what T once said. I wanted to post it here and read what others think. We are a varied (and variable) people on this forum in all different stages of our healing process. I'll explain my T's take on it and why I agree with it.

When I started therapy with her 20 months ago, like many people here, I could tell parts of my story with no emotion whatsoever. I was completely detached. There were other parts to that story I was unaware of. I had a plethora of unhealthy coping patterns that I was also unaware of. This is the "sick" stage.

Starting at month 18, I entered the crying (or healing) stage...an essential stage wherein one must grieve the issues from the past and present. In this stage we also learn skills and overcome maladaptive patterns of being. It may look different to everyone, no one is the same and everyone's experiences and pain is different. It is a very difficult stage.

There is another stage, one that most of us here have yet to reach, and when we do, we will likely not need this forum. It is the stage in which we are healed. Once we grieve the injustices and pain of our past, once we learn healthy coping strategies, when we can tell our story...not with a dissociative lack of tears, but with an understanding that we went through it and it was bad, and we overcame it...when we have recognized, grieved, and let go of the negative and embraced the lessons we've learned...that's when we are healed.

That's how I feel.