Silence in therapy

I agree, me too.

I have only seen him 7 or 8 times, and we haven't done this. It is a different focus with my current T than my previous T. They both are skilled, but each in a different way.

I agree. I see it as a mindfulness meditation exercise, and although some Buddhist monks may have the skill naturally, I suspect it is learned for many. I sometimes think that if I went overseas when I got out of high school and went through the rigorous training to become a Buddhist monk, (or maybe they have a lesser degree), that I would have fewer issues. Unfortunately, I didn't know what I wanted to be then, much like now, and a Buddhist monk wasn't even a thought Anyway, Jon Kabat Zinn is one of my favorites as far as learning mindfulness at home on CD (or my IPod). My goal I just set for myself earlier tonight is to stop analyzing myself ruminatingly, and to just be mindful.

silence is AWFUL for me. T and I always have those silent moments where I can feel her staring at me. Sometimes I look up and stare back very briefly and I will ask her to stop staring, and then she asks "where would you like me to look". I never saying anying though I'd like to blurt out "how about out the window or at your computer screen?"

T is pretty interactive with me despite the intervals of silence. She asks about how certain things we've recently been covering are going, she'll give me advice (particularly due to my inexperience in A LOT), she challenges me, etc. I don't know what i would do if my T just forced me to sit in silence. I think eventually I would just leave.

Unless someone is pursuing psychoanalysis, I don't think intractable silences are helpful. If a T allows silence to develop beyond usefulness, that's a problem. It can feel like a weapon, or a destructive powerplay. That's not therapeutic. But I do think it's likely that many of us tend to jump to the conclusion that we are being judged during silences, and it can be very healing to work through them enough to experience feeling that this isn't the case.

I saw one for a couple of months who did the total silent thing. I asked what was supposed to be going on and she would not answer. So I would sit and my teeth would chatter and I would shake in silence. I did that for 2-3 times at at the third one I said I quit, she said you can't and I said watch me - and never went back.
Now I ask about this when I interview new therapists. The two I have ask questions. I would not tolerate a therapist who was directive or told me what to do or gave advice, but I do answer questions. I do not know what is and is not important to tell a therapist - I expect them to ask questions and I will answer. I do not mind some silence or that they look at me. I don't usually look at them.

My first therapist used to just let me sit in silence for long periods of time, and she would just sit across from me with this smile on her face, waiting for me to talk. But I am NOT a talkative person, so it would frustrate me and make me feel anxious.

My current T practices CBT, like autotelica's. He does a lot of interactive stuff and does point out to me my options and directions I can go in and works me through how to get there. He only leaves me in silence when he can see that I'm processing through something. If I'm quiet for too long he asks me what I'm thinking.

I guess I actually don't mind the silences that befall my T and I. They can be awkward sometimes but usually she will break the silences with "What are you thinking about?" or "How are you doing?" That helps me sometimes...sometimes I have nothing to answer those questions with though... it's hard, but I know my T cares and I have never felt like she is staring at me and just pressuring me to say something, I guess. My T is generally very gentle...

I don't look at them either.

My old t would just sit there in silence, the whole session sometimes. I used to have such a terribly hard time talking that i couldnt make the words come out-- i had been like that since childhood. Eventually she might say something like "is this how you want to use your time today" or something equally annoying.

My new t wont let me sit in silence, hard time talking or not. If i sit there quiet for too long eventually she will poke me pr punch my arm or something and say somethng like "so!!! Whats on your mind!? You gonna talk to me or WHAT?!"

So it seems like CBT therapists dont do silence and they give advice. Its amazing all the different techniques but it does appear that silence makes everyone uncomfortable. Plus what a waste of money

Not a fan of silence..T doesn't let it happen very often, and there are natural breaks in the conversation, but when he has been too quiet for too long, I tell him. Then he wants to know why it makes me so uncomfortable.

i would be a bit upset if there was a longer silence moment during therapy..that would be easy money for the therapist for me communication is the only way i can gain as much as possible from each session and if my therapist is quiet then i make sure the conversation is flowing.

Some of the most powerful moments of the "talking cure" include no talking. You heard right, paying to not talk in talk therapy can be beneficial. On the other hand, silence may reflect a problem that results in a colossal waste of time and money. Here's how to tell the difference.
We typically think of therapy as an energized conversation between two people working together to understand what's going on and why. The client raises questions, concerns and observations about himself while the therapist clarifies, summarizes and makes connections between past and present or thought and behavior. Most of the time, a lack of words is not the problem.
But the words don't always come. In some cases, talking would get in the way of experiencing deep thoughts or feelings. Other times the words are blocked and the client feels stuck.
Experiencing emotion: There's no need to rush putting words to feelings. Sometimes it's enough just to feel deep grief, anger or joy without speaking. Talking can have a way of pulling you out of emotion and into your head as you piece together the stories, details and prior experiences of the feeling. When a client comes to session after losing a loved one, the emotion is heavy and the words are few.
Realization: Therapy sometimes provides "Ah-Ha!" moments of insight that need a few moments to sink in. "Wait a minute - I bought a house I can't afford to fulfill my depression-era grandfather's dream?!? Give me a minute here..."


Being instead of doing: Some people have such a strong need to perform and achieve that doing nothing for a few minutes may be the hardest (and most enriching) work they do in therapy. There are a lot of people pleasers out there. They might set a goal of not dazzling their therapist with an intriguing problem, fascinating insight or dramatic story - and accept that it's okay.
Centering: Clients coming from the chaos of work, traffic and relationships may need a few minutes to collect themselves. Rather than fill the space with small talk, it's okay to sit in silence. I ask clients to come ten minutes early for this, but that may not happen or might not be enough time. It's okay to take a few minutes to do nothing but sit with yourself and enjoy the company. When you're relaxed, the topic of the day will come.

Sounds pretty good, huh? Makes you want to run out and get in a quiet therapy session. Well, there are also times when silence is a cause for concern:
Performance anxiety: Therapy is a stressful experience for many people. They feel like they're under the searing light of the third degree and are so afraid of scrutiny they become a deer in the headlights. There's nothing beneficial about this panic. You might try shifting this paralysis to the centering I mentioned above.
Don't know what to say: Many people simply don't know what they're supposed to talk about to get the help they want. They're not sure how to describe their symptoms, access emotion or talk about feeling stuck in therapy. (Some tips here)
Punishment: Not all therapy is as adversarial as In Treatment, but the occasional conflict or resentment is common. Clients might be angry with their therapist and decide one way to show their displeasure is not to talk. Sure enough, a client going mute for no apparent reason will probably make the therapist squirm. While it might feel good to exact revenge in this passively resistant manner, it may not be the most effective. It's pretty expensive, too. How about just talking about it instead? You could start with this: "I don't want to talk today because..."
Big disclosure: Sometimes a client has a big secret she's never told anyone before, and today is the day to say it. She feels paralyzed with fear of the therapist's reaction or of hearing herself say the words. So she sits in agony, trying to find the courage. Letting the therapist know there is something on your mind can help ease the discomfort.
Unconscious resistance: The loss for words might come from deep places beyond our awareness.
So what can we do when words fail? If you're truly stuck, it's always okay to ask the therapist for help. Don't be surprised if help comes in the form of questions about the stuckness rather than a divergence into small talk. If the therapist's zeal is intruding on a comfortable silence, you're welcome to say something like "I'm at a loss for words, but I'd like to stay here for a while. I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk again."
You know, therapists aren't always comfortable with silence either. They might feel tempted to jump in with a question or interpretation to relieve their own anxiety. Some believe they aren't doing their job if no one's talking. But I think learning when to shut up and let the client be is a valuable skill.

I actually appreciated the silent moments between former T and myself. It would give me a moment to feel connected with him. It also slowed things down and allowed me to be in the moment. I think that therapy means different things to different people and we all have different needs. For me, it was more about having a safe place to feel understood and cared for so I could openly express myself. I was not action-oriented and did not have a specific lists of goals. It worked for me.

Button, you are the buyer in the therapy room. Have you told her you'd like more direction? If she is unable to do that for you, maybe she isn't the best match?

I need direct questions. And I value concrete advice. Not whimsical Dr. Phil canned expressions, but precise direction and advice. I saw a woman for a short time (frau t [whinny]) and I got more out of those 8 sessions then I have with any long term therapy. Why? Because she read between the lines and did not talk in t-speak.

Different modalities fit different clients with different problems. And most Ts have more than one modality in their bag of tricks. They may begin in one modality and switch as the issues the client presents define themselves more fully. And any T who refuses to address silences in the very early stages of therapy has a problem, imo. It sounds like such Ts see the silences only as resistance which is pretty narrow-minded.

But I don't think everyone always finds all silences problematic, nor do I think silence is necessarily a waste of money.

I think silences are very difficult for Ts to handle well; definitely not easy money!

This would be closer to my experience.

i like what is said here because sometimes i feel the same way .i have no idea what is important to say in T and what isn't and the 1 or 2 times i have stated that i don't have any idea what is ok to say she didn't seem to understand my statement so i gave up.i don't seem to even have the words to make her understand a simple question like that. i think it is easy to not bother because most times i am not bothered by the silence. but i do get upset if i feel i am dissapointing her by not using my words

The good news is that you don't have to make the decision of what's important or not: that's their job. You can choose to talk about anything you'd like. Whatever the psychological issues are that brought you to therapy will show themselves to a competent T through whatever you talk about. And if there is something that T thinks you should be talking about, but aren't, they'll usually tell you.

Amen to that. Button, maybe you would like to try another type of therapy? Also, have you discussed this with your T, that you would like some help getting out your thoughts? There have been a few times I told my T, "there is a really hard topic I need to discuss and I need your help with that." He has always responded by taking a more active role temporarily.

My T isn't psychodynamic or CBT. He does use silences. At first, they felt uncomfortable to me because we are socialized to fill silence during normal conversation. Since I am socially introverted, a silence to me felt like "aack! I'm messing up again, this silence is because I don't have good conversation skills, I need to fill it, pronto!" But I became more and more comfortable with silences as therapy progressed. I like them now and don't feel the need to jump in and fill the silence with my comments. Silences give me space to think, to let important feelings and thoughts surface from deep inside, to process. T does not let me feel alone in the silences. He is really good at that. I feel supported and I appreciate his patience. He often makes little empathic noises. Sometimes he will nod his head in encouragement, as if to say "go on." And sometimes he will make a comment like, "I'm all ears," to let me know he is ready and waiting to hear what I have to say. I am glad he doesn't rush to fill the space with his commentary and ideas about what is important to talk about. The therapy is about me, not what he thinks/guesses we should talk about.

Button, not everyone is uncomfortable with silence, as I wrote above, and some others have too. I do get your point about wasting money. I think that may be partly why I don't let the silences endure too long. (I don't think I've let one last much longer than 5 minutes.) I pay 100% out of pocket for my sessions so I need to "get my money's worth". That helps motivate me to not sit there in silence for too long, to really use that silence to listen to what is deep inside me that needs to come forth and be explored in therapy. If I just sat there and said nothing in therapy, I would quit soon, because I am somewhat of a penny pincher and would consider that money down the drain. So yeah, I am not going to waste my cash allowing the silences to stretch on for too long!

I took a counseling class last year and got to wear the shoe on the other foot. We were taught to become comfortable with letting there be silence, with not rushing into fill the space, to be patient and let the client speak. It was awkward at first, but I became more comfortable with it as I practiced the technique.

it makes me feel so uncomforatable. i used to get squirmy waiting for her to say something. but now i just wait and think about other things until she says something.

yes i think it is her job to help open up. usually, she starts the conversation because i dont know how to.

My therapist used to allow me to sit in silence for long periods of time, that was until she figured out that I didn't mind sitting there quietly. I think that therapists do this to give you time to put your thoughts together, and it's a non intrusive way to put pressure on you to open up. Most people don't like the "awkward silence" of just sitting there.

My T knows me well enough to realize if I'm silent I'm either dissociating or closing off, and he doesn't let me get away with either. Neither is a productive use of time or therapy. He prompts me and prods me until I voice whatever the heck is going on (or not going on) in my head. I've been silent about my issues long enough.

I think the usefulness of silences depends on the objective, and if the patient doesn't like them but the therapist continues, I think that would be counterproductive. My previous T (pT) would explain to me beforehand the intent, and if I got too uncomfortable, he would notice and start talking. It is a practice in being mindful, and in tolerating something distressful. If I can tolerate what felt like being in the spotlight in T's office, then the skills would transfer to other situations. It helped me, and he didn't force it on me. I got to the point where I wasn't as self-conscious and I would start thinking about something else instead of being hypervigilant. That was huge for me, to be able to sit in the room and think of things during the silences, or clear my mind, and to feel safe at the same time. Just my two cents.

My therapist would explode before he let it be silent. Sometimes it's annoying.

And this: