How to make therapy work

I have been in therapy on and off for many years. I usually stop going because I feel like its a waste of time and money. I don't want to feel like that though. I have no ideas other than therapy of how to deal with things but it seems of no benefit to me. My sessions are always redundant and I never talk about what I want to talk about because I get embarrassed and scared to open up. Contrary wise, if I feel ready to talk, I don't know what to discuss or how to even put my feelings into words. I just end up saying "I don't know" a lot and I leave more frustrated, hopeless, and disgruntled than when I came. A lot of the time I get really angry and just sit on the couch frozen staring at my therapist through blurred vision.

How do I make this stop? How can I start having beneficial sessions that are worth my time and money?

Have you seen different Ts through the years or only your current one? Have you ever opened up to anyone, T or not? It sounds like you may need a different kind of therapy, or a different T, someone who has other ways to make you open up, such as art therapy, writing, or some other technique. What does your T do when you sit frozen on the couch? If you want to have beneficial sessions, you need to communicate with your T. If you can't talk, then it needs to be some other way. Do you journal at home? Or draw? Have you ever written or emailed your Ts when you can't talk? I know how frustrating it must be for you! I would think that the right T can help you benefit from your therapy.

I tried therapy with 2 other t's to no benefit at all. I almost gave up but then decided to try again and this time I found the perfect t for me, don't give up you are worth finding the right t for you. Mine is a Jungian therapist, she specializes in dream work and has special training in sand play therapy as well. Does your t do sand play? It has been super beneficial for me on those days where I'd go in there and just not be able to talk with words... I'd do a sand tray. Basically it's a table-top sandbox that is waterproof so you can wet the sand, and then the t has lots and lots of miniature figures of everything you can imagine pretty much, and you basically 'play' in the sand and build a little world with the sand and whatever figures speak to you. I did I guess one a month over the last year. Very cool. Sometimes we would talk about the world I created, sometimes not. Some I interpreted on my own outside of therapy, some we did together. Another thing I do when I don't think I'll be able to talk - is write whatever it is out and then I hand it to t and tell her to read it. The biggest thing for me I think is that I finally found a t that I really connect with. The other 2 plus the one I visited a total of one time which doesn't really count - I felt absolutely zero connection with them. My current t? We connected from the get-go.

Oh yeah... I sure identify with sitting there saying "I don't know".... what stopped me from doing that is that one time I noticed the look that t had on her face, that "squiggly eyebrow" look you know what I mean? and I realized 'um, she KNOWS that when I sit here saying "I don't know" that I usually do. The jig is up artemis. Start talking.' And I did.

I'd have to agree that the positive gut feeling you have upon a first session or interview is a good sign. And for me, credentials and experience are important (but I'm an academic, so that's just how I am).

It might be helpful for you to do some journaling at home before starting the therapy process again. Maybe write about what perfect therapy would look like in your imagination? Maybe describe awkward experiences in past attempts? I think being as detailed as possible is most helpful. Then you would have something to give a new T so they can adapt how they would engage you most effectively.

There were a number of times during early therapy when I couldn't make myself talk about abuse; I just couldn't hear the words because it made it seem too overwhelmingly real. So I wrote descriptions for my T to read.

But I think it also comes down to a willingness or readiness to engage. Maybe you weren't as ready as you would have liked before. Has that changed in some way now? It may also be that you become dissatisfied at the time of approaching deeper issues that you don't want to face; think about what you need to get yourself past those points.

I feel for you.. I've never had the problem of not talking, but I've definitely spent months in therapy just talking about surface issues, kind of like an advice column, not really delving into real issues and such. So when I went to my new therapist, I had already thought about what I needed in a therapist. I told her I needed someone to push me, and to catch me in my BS... not allow me to get away with saying everything is fine. And I realized that I needed a therapist that was smarter than me.. and she is... she catches me in my BS every single time.. WHen I say I don't know.. she just shakes her head or says, "I won't accept that" and waits... LOL

It's an important match.. keep trying.. One thing that is SUPER important, which is didn't realize is the constant contact that we have. I e-mail her whenever I want or am thinking of something... and she responds when she can. She says she promises to read it all, but can't respond to everything, which is cool. I had the tendency to go into T and only be in the present moment... so driving over if I was listneing to my favorite song I'd forget that the day before I was lying on the couch sad... and i'd shoot the breeze.

I think you just keep trying. Find a T that will let you write.. or play... or whatever. I know different things matter to different folks.. and you have to be able think about the support you need because it's a job interview for them... It's super personal.. Some of the types of therapy that other people discuss here would never work for me..and I'm sure my kind of T wouldn't work for others...

Think as objectively as you can about what you need from a T... think about how much contact do you need.. how booked do they get... what kind of communication is allowed.. what do they expect from you... and explain the struggles you've had before in T and let them explain to you how they will help.

Keep trudging.. it's hard work.. :-) But totally totally worth it!

ooohI also asked my T about vacations because I can't do someone who takes months off in the summer.. she assured me she only did that when she had her son... Perfect! :-)

I agree with the others that the connection with your T is one of the most (or maybe THE most) important aspects of therapy. I know I had to do a bit of "shopping" to find someone who is the right fit. My pdoc gave me a hard time with this, but I think as the client, or "consumer", we have the right to finding someone we're most comfortable with.

Also, there are different types of therapy. I know for me, pure CBT didn't work as well as a mix of CBT and "regular talk therapy".

Don't give up and good luck!