Is it really beneficial? I ask because it doesn't help me. I sit for minutes in silence while T stares intently at me...I can feel her eyes burning into me and it hurts. I wish she would say something to help me talk but instead, silence.
How does this silence help anyone???
I have asked her before to start a session and she refused becase she likes her clients to be in control but isn't it her job to help the clients open up too?

[granite1]

i know that silence well. i tend to hide in it when i am freaked out . but other times it freaks me out. i would talk about it more with your T let her knoe you may need more structure in T. or guide lines

[autotelica]

I'm a big introvert and I can deal with all kinds of weirdness, but silence would unnerve me. I'm very fortunate that my therapist does not leave it up to me to start off the session.

But I think if I had to, I'd probably start off with a question.

[lotsofq]

I HATE silence also, and my T does the same thing. I think that partly it is respecting space, in case I am thinking and trying to formulate what I am saying. That doesn't make it any easier...I will say that it has gotten a little easier over time. I guess i have to deal with it at some point, may as well be in a safe place.

Originally Posted by granite1

i know that silence well. i tend to hide in it when i am freaked out . but other times it freaks me out. i would talk about it more with your T let her knoe you may need more structure in T. or guide lines

I would love to run and hide too when it happens. I wish I could talk about it but I can't talk

Originally Posted by autotelica

I'm a big introvert and I can deal with all kinds of weirdness, but silence would unnerve me. I'm very fortunate that my therapist does not leave it up to me to start off the session.

But I think if I had to, I'd probably start off with a question.

What kind of T is yours auto?
I thought therapy is supposed to involve talking- thats why its called talk therapy

[autotelica]

Originally Posted by button30

What kind of T is yours auto?
I thought therapy is supposed to involve talking- thats why its called talk therapy

My therapist's specialty is CBT.

My therapy seems much more like coaching/mentoring than what other people experience. At least, that's how it seems to me. Like, I keep hearing people say that therapists aren't supposed to give advice. Honestly, if my therapist followed that rule, we'd be sitting in silence! She tells me what to do (call X, buy Y, tell someone Z) and then coaches me through it, if I need her to.

The advantage: I don't have to do a whole lot of talking. I'm sure there are some disadvantages, but I can't think of them right now.

I understand this. My T is Psycho dynamic. And during times where I was stuck on where to begin, she would do the same thing. Sit in silence. One time I told her I needed more structure and for her to gear my sessions for me. She told me that she does not do that. Its up to the client to bring the material. So, if we sit in silence for 50 minutes..then we sit in silence for 50 minutes. She does not "push me to talk" Even though I specifically requested it.

Originally Posted by autotelica

My therapist's specialty is CBT.

My therapy seems much more like coaching/mentoring than what other people experience. At least, that's how it seems to me. Like, I keep hearing people say that therapists aren't supposed to give advice. Honestly, if my therapist followed that rule, we'd be sitting in silence! She tells me what to do (call X, buy Y, tell someone Z) and then coaches me through it, if I need her to.

The advantage: I don't have to do a whole lot of talking. I'm sure there are some disadvantages, but I can't think of them right now.

This is my kind of therapist...honestly when they don't give advice I wonder what they are supposed to do. T1 never gave me any advice she prefered to let me figure out my own life(which never happens) T2 does give advice but only if I ask or can't figure something out for myself.

[autotelica]

I think I lucked out, button. I personally don't think I'd like therapy if it was mostly me doing the talking. But I've only had one therapist, so who knows? Also, maybe I'm missing out on insight stuff.

[feralkittymom]

It just isn't the purpose of psycho-dynamic therapy to give advice. Some of the more directive and cognitive modalities are more open to that. And it very much depends upon what the client presents with: some conditions require direction, others don't.

When I was deeply depressed, my T was more directive, but as I grew stronger, he became less so.

Sometimes silence was very painful. At those times, my T would usually intervene in a non-specific sort of way. Maybe just commenting on the feel of the silence. Or an empathic observation of how it seemed difficult for me.

But other times the silence was very nurturing. Maintaining silence takes a lot of patience. I never experienced it as ignoring me. There may not have been talk, but there was active communication and participation happening. Where else in life is someone willing to remain with you in silence? It's a gift, really.

My first t was humanistic and she once gave out to me because she said she was doing all the work...AKA- the talking. She also would just sit there while I was truamatised talking about abuse and not say a word for rest of the session. New T always asks what I am thinking about and I just say nothing.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

It just isn't the purpose of psycho-dynamic therapy to give advice. Some of the more directive and cognitive modalities are more open to that. And it very much depends upon what the client presents with: some conditions require direction, others don't.

When I was deeply depressed, my T was more directive, but as I grew stronger, he became less so.

Sometimes silence was very painful. At those times, my T would usually intervene in a non-specific sort of way. Maybe just commenting on the feel of the silence. Or an empathic observation of how it seemed difficult for me.

But other times the silence was very nurturing. Maintaining silence takes a lot of patience. I never experienced it as ignoring me. There may not have been talk, but there was active communication and participation happening. Where else in life is someone willing to remain with you in silence? It's a gift, really.

This is true it is a gift and at times its nice to have some silence in this crazy world we live in. I never felt T was ignoring me because their attention was still on me but it wasn't very helpful to me because I wanted her to help me talk about things because I couldn't do it alone or even know how to start.

[Wren_]

With the beginning of the sessions I think parts of the silence idea is so that you can calm down, readjust to being back in therapy, start to reconnect with the therapist and feel your way around in your mind and body to get to where you feel comfortable with sharing. Some therapy styles and some therapists like to give that space and make it yours.
Later in a session it can be used for things like processing information; for the working of new thoughts to mull over in your mind; for old fears to process to a point where you are comfortable in sharing; to let parts of your mind adjust to what is going on and for both you and the therapist to experience something that happens at a deeper level than words
At times it can also connect to when we dissociate and the T gives time for us to find our way back

or

silence can just be very annoying and we wish they would stop it and break in and help us out!

[feralkittymom]

I think it's unfortunate when a T can't sense the difference between silence that is needed to summon thought, and silence that is experienced as emptiness and confusion. I suspect that lack of perception carries over into other areas, too. I think that's why my T would intervene, yet not in a directive way.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

With the beginning of the sessions I think parts of the silence idea is so that you can calm down, readjust to being back in therapy, start to reconnect with the therapist and feel your way around in your mind and body to get to where you feel comfortable with sharing. Some therapy styles and some therapists like to give that space and make it yours.
Later in a session it can be used for things like processing information; for the working of new thoughts to mull over in your mind; for old fears to process to a point where you are comfortable in sharing; to let parts of your mind adjust to what is going on and for both you and the therapist to experience something that happens at a deeper level than words
At times it can also connect to when we dissociate and the T gives time for us to find our way back

or

silence can just be very annoying and we wish they would stop it and break in and help us out!

WEll said Tigergirl. Most of the time its annoying, well for me anyway but on the other hand when T throws a random question your way silence is useful to process the answer. Most of the time silence hurts.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think it's unfortunate when a T can't sense the difference between silence that is needed to summon thought, and silence that is experienced as emptiness and confusion. I suspect that lack of perception carries over into other areas, too. I think that's why my T would intervene, yet not in a directive way.

Sounds as though your t is very intuitive and knows the difference between the two. Most obviously don't. I think my t1 was just lazy and didn't want to have to do anything unless I asked.

[Sila]

Originally Posted by autotelica

My therapist's specialty is CBT.

My therapy seems much more like coaching/mentoring than what other people experience. At least, that's how it seems to me. Like, I keep hearing people say that therapists aren't supposed to give advice. Honestly, if my therapist followed that rule, we'd be sitting in silence! She tells me what to do (call X, buy Y, tell someone Z) and then coaches me through it, if I need her to.

The advantage: I don't have to do a whole lot of talking. I'm sure there are some disadvantages, but I can't think of them right now.

Same here, mine is very much like this too. If I asked for advice (indirectly) on how to handle a certain situation, we discussed ways to go about it. When we hit the topic about boundaries and how not having any was ruining/complicating online friendships, she suggested some solid boundaries I could use to help with that. When we were trying to find ways for me to put my fidgety hands and restless mind to use, she suggested multiple things to try. All these are advice in one way or another, and they've all been helpful. I told her that I needed her to help me guide the sessions, or else I'd be all over the place and avoiding what needed to be talked about. So she did- she lets me talk about what I start talking about, but reels me in so that I don't get too off topic (that's one of my coping mechanisms- distraction.)

[Ike McCaslin]

It is rather strange, but I am an introvert and usually very quiet, but with my PDOC I talk on and on and on. She can barely get a word in. I feel very comfortable in her presence.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

It just isn't the purpose of psycho-dynamic therapy to give advice. Some of the more directive and cognitive modalities are more open to that. And it very much depends upon what the client presents with: some conditions require direction, others don't.

When I was deeply depressed, my T was more directive, but as I grew stronger, he became less so.

Sometimes silence was very painful. At those times, my T would usually intervene in a non-specific sort of way. Maybe just commenting on the feel of the silence. Or an empathic observation of how it seemed difficult for me.

But other times the silence was very nurturing. Maintaining silence takes a lot of patience. I never experienced it as ignoring me. There may not have been talk, but there was active communication and participation happening. Where else in life is someone willing to remain with you in silence? It's a gift, really.

My xT gradually upped the silences, at first he would make empathic observations, and I didn't experience them as ignoring either, at all. At first, I felt like hiding because I felt like I was in the spotlight and he was staring at me (which he wasn't) and noticing all my flaws. But as he gradually increased it and I got to a point where I could tolerate it and even was okay with it and was able to think something other than "he is staring at me, he is staring at me (which he wan't, but it was all I used to think of, lol). I did experience it as nurturing now that you say it, after I was used to it, and I didn't feel alone, but that someone who cared could sit there and care without verbalizing it, and I could still feel the message, if that makes sense. It is a gift, and my xT had this gift. Thank you for reminding me, for some reason remembering this cognitively helps me feel that I still carry a visceral memory of him with me, and I haven't felt this way in a long time. Great post!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by button30

Sounds as though your t is very intuitive and knows the difference between the two. Most obviously don't. I think my t1 was just lazy and didn't want to have to do anything unless I asked.

Button, you make a good point, my T was very intuitive and had this gift.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by button30

I sit for minutes in silence while T stares intently at me...I can feel her eyes burning into me and it hurts. I wish she would say something to help me talk but instead, silence.

I'm sorry (((( button )))) I know it burns. At those times I cannot look at T but I sense her eyes like lasers, like searchlights, and you're right, it burns.
It took years to come to this conclusion, but I think her look is that intense because in those moments she is really trying to enter into my thoughts - so she can unite with me, can see from my eyes as it were, to see where my silent thoughts take me - and help me to turn them from harm to good.

I really do believe that.

even so. Heck of a system ain't it

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

My xT gradually upped the silences, at first he would make empathic observations, and I didn't experience them as ignoring either, at all. At first, I felt like hiding because I felt like I was in the spotlight and he was staring at me (which he wasn't) and noticing all my flaws. But as he gradually increased it and I got to a point where I could tolerate it and even was okay with it and was able to think something other than "he is staring at me, he is staring at me (which he wan't, but it was all I used to think of, lol). I did experience it as nurturing now that you say it, after I was used to it, and I didn't feel alone, but that someone who cared could sit there and care without verbalizing it, and I could still feel the message, if that makes sense. It is a gift, and my xT had this gift. Thank you for reminding me, for some reason remembering this cognitively helps me feel that I still carry a visceral memory of him with me, and I haven't felt this way in a long time. Great post!

I'm glad it helps you.

I do remember the "in the spotlight" feeling; more like the Spanish Inquisition! But his expressing that he understood that feeling helped it to dissipate over time. I think some Ts do come by this ability more naturally than others (my T used to say that I had this ability, but it came as a result of a lifetime of hypervigilence, and could be palpable in a way that might make someone uncomfortable.) But I also think it can be a learned skill, based upon careful observation, and a willingness to clear one's mind.

If you could talk about the feel of silences with your current T, he may be able to be more effective with it.

Originally Posted by autotelica

My therapist's specialty is CBT.

My therapy seems much more like coaching/mentoring than what other people experience. At least, that's how it seems to me. Like, I keep hearing people say that therapists aren't supposed to give advice. Honestly, if my therapist followed that rule, we'd be sitting in silence! She tells me what to do (call X, buy Y, tell someone Z) and then coaches me through it, if I need her to.

The advantage: I don't have to do a whole lot of talking. I'm sure there are some disadvantages, but I can't think of them right now.

My T's have all been very interactive also. I think the psychodynamic appoach would be a dismal failure for me; if I want to sit in silence and stare at someone who gives me little input, I can stare at the wall at home and not have to pay for it. I enjoy and thrive in therapy where my T's have been very straight-forward with me, strongly opinionated, pretty directive. Definite goals, agendas, skills, directed introspection, but none of that silence nonsense (just seems like that would be a huge waste of time for me). I know it appeals to and works for some clients; I'm just not one of them. Thank God there are different modalities of therapy to suit what various clients need.

[Victoria'smom]

Both T and Pdoc will sit in silents if I give a superficial answer. I hate silents so I quickly fill it in. T will sit in silents when I'm not interactive and occasionally ask if I'm okay or how I feel.