[KazzaX]

Well my house inspection went very well! I was somehow able to actually clean the place and it looked awesome, if I do say so myself! The only thing the real estate guy said was "OMG!! How old is this house?" and to tidy up the back yard. I didnt get kicked out... yay!! This was a couple weeks ago and I am still able to clean some things and whatnot.

Strange thing was, the T session right after this was a good one. But then the next week (ie last friday), it was right back to square one again. Wtf! Back to me getting all angry in the session etc etc. I have no idea why. I still feel relatively OK compared to normal so it cant be my mood. I am on a new med and it seems to be having an effect but still, I keep ruining the therapy sessions like before. I would have thought an improved mood would help... I think I was wrong there. It is like the defenses are there regardless of what med i go on, and regardless of what state of mind i am in, and regardless of anything really. I would have thought these improved factors would lessen them somewhat, or make me more aware of them etc etc.

We noticed in that good session that one thing my subconscious seems to do is when someone has "emotionally poked me with a stick" (ie what my T does), I get all angry and then I totally forget what we were just talking about to make it happen (ie 1 minute beforehand). I have no idea what i got angry about. Isn't that bizarre? She had to keep reminding me what we were talking about, lol. That would explain why I can't remember half the stuff we talk about in therapy most of the time. I thought it was just having a bad memory from 20 years of psych med use but she believes it is some defense mechanism. Interesting, and alarming. What else have I forgotten?

Anyways I am trying not to care too much about therapy atm because when I do it ruins the sessions, so I am taking the "who the fk cares?" type of mindset there. Hopefully this will open the way to some healing!

[Wren_]

that's great news about the house and inspection! you worked so hard on getting it ready that its wonderful knowing you got through. Therapy wise I seem to be doing some of the same things and find its something that kicks in automatically and later I can't work out what happened. how could I have such an extreme reaction to something that really wasnt that hmm anger-making? maybe defense mechanisms are part of it

[pbutton]

Thanks for the update! I was wondering how it went. Glad to hear you've made it through.

I ruined my last session, so I know how you feel. We can keep trying again.

[KazzaX]

Thanks guys!

Yeah, I will keep plodding on. Its very frustrating these defenses but I will keep going back each week!

[unaluna]

You're an inspiration.