[EeyoreSmile]

I am frustrated with myself because I thought that bringing up being uncomfortable with being cared for was going to make me feel better, but it did not. I feel not so good.. I feel rough and raw and confused. I want to like be upset with you for something or be mad, or find a reason to not engage or not email or whatever.. because I realize I don't trust that you can actually care about me for real. Like why would you? I don't do anything, bring anything, give anything... I don't see any reason why you'd actually care about my new car, or my dog, or anything else... besides just making sure that I'm making progress. Care always asks for something in return..and it makes me wonder if I really know how to care for someone.. if I cant receive it then how can I give it? Am I just trying to give what I feel I never got, but then setting up expectations for people to be as grateful and reciprocal as I would be and that's not fair either. I feel like I want to isolate myself because I don't know that I can do relationships right.. Like I keep fearing that I am going to ask you for something and I'll totally cross the line and when I think of what I'd want from you it's nothing that is outside the professional realm. As long as I can keep asking my random questions and sharing my personal business I'm fine.. so its a completely irrational fear... but then I find myself wanting to push your buttons to push you away.. And I find myself imagining what your buttons would be, but then that;s even dumb because I don't want to know your personal business.. like if you started telling me I'd probably be totally skeeved out and stop coming.. OMG I'm thinking of ways to end therapy so dont have to deal with this. I promise I wont.. I am not gonna start spamming you or calling you all the time or any weird stuff.. I dont want anything that imnot already getting from our relationship, but I don't know how to feel satisfied and at ease and relaxed... one day at a time? but you gotta help me stop pushing people away. I'm scared that I'll do this for the rest of my life.. and I'll be as alone as I feel.. but i have people all around me sometimes..

I've noticed that I keep myself on the outskirts so I dont have to get too close. I dont have to share who I am or really invest as a way to protect me. That's why I don't plan things. I realized the other day that what I wanted was compassion. I just wanted someone to tell me it was okay and I was okay.. no matter how much I cried or how sad I was or how whatever I got, I wanted someone to be patient, compassionate, kind and loving. That's it. And you're right.. I got tough love... it made me tough... I needed to be tough in this world..hell, I'm a black gay female middle class person LOL but I want that part of my heart that feels rejection, and fears rejection to heal. Will it heal?

I want to believe. Im scared to take the next step. I'm scared to be me.. what if its too much? What if I cross the line? what If I go too far.. What if I need too much?

On a positive note, given all of this, I have realized that I'm not accepting people in my life who make me feel insecure.. who make me wonder if they will call, or how I should feel, or how they will respond. I've been able to let them go. But Now I find myself wanting reassurance about everything else, but I know that there is no reassurance that will make me feel better or complete.. I'll keep wanting that positive reinforcement......

Originally Posted by EeyoreSmile

I want to believe. Im scared to take the next step. I'm scared to be me.. what if its too much? What if I cross the line? what If I go too far.. What if I need too much?

Wow! I could have written this word for word a year ago when I first started working with my t. I can so identify with those statements! I'm currently in the last weeks of my therapy, I've made TONS of progress over the past year and wanted to share a little to hopefully encourage you to keep up the good work!

I worked very hard this past 12+ months - it was challenging, freeing, tough, fun, etc... every emotion I could think of.... I cried many tears in t and we laughed together a lot as well. There were times when I was so mad at my t I could of spit nails but we talked about it each time and it strengthened our connection. I went through the wonderful fun of transference (!) when I told T I love her and we talked a good few times about THAT too. I encourage you to keep up the good work - it is SO very worth it when you get to where I am these days.

I wish the very best for you in your journey!! I hope you don't mind my sharing, your words above that I quoted just sounded SO much like me a year ago I felt compelled to respond!

[EeyoreSmile]

Thank you so much. I don't know what kind of feedback i wanted or needed and that was exactly it. To know that itll get better. Thank you a thousand times.

You're welcome! I forgot one more thing - my t said to me a couple sessions back "You are light years away from the person you were when you first walked into my office! You're calm, embodied, and your confidence shines." It felt so good to hear her say that.