[rainbow8]

Trigger for talking about sexual orientations:



I've been having difficult sessions lately, talking about sexual issues. Suddenly I need to know whether I'm bisexual or not, because if I am, I feel it's wrong and I'm ashamed. I'm not saying it's wrong for others, but for me it's terribly shameful. Even if the feelings are about intimacy/love and my unmet needs from infancy or whenever, the fact that I feel them with T is causing me much distress. I'm not obsessing about her, but about me and my feelings and beliefs. I don't want to have those feelings right there in the session. I want to run away. Even with no touching, the feelings are there. We've been discussing my past and how the books on sex were kept in the public library in locked cabinets when I was growing up. Sex was a forbidden subject then, and my friends and I whispered about someone who "did it". One male relative was gay (called a homo then, if I remember correctly) and I never quite understood what that was about. It was all hush/hush and I didn't learn anything positive about sex except it was done after marriage.

I haven't started a thread in this forum for a while but I felt like I wanted some support for my session tomorrow. Can anyone be a pocket rider, please?

[Miswimmy1]

I'm in!

Count me in too! pm me if you wanna - I had my own epiphany about 6 months ago and talking with t about it was very freeing.

Rainbow, i will be there and on your side. i think deep down you are a very strong lady... and i just wanted to share that with you!

jumping in and bringing and

i promise not to spill anything or leave any crumbs...

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I haven't started a thread in this forum for a while but I felt like I wanted some support for my session tomorrow. Can anyone be a pocket rider, please?

Just wanted to say I think it's great that you were able to (1) ask for what you needed and (2) ask for something totally doable by the folks here. I think that's really important and hopefully very good for you.

Good luck at your session. It can be hard to get past issues that one has not visited since childhood; I hope you find a way to accept and understand your feelings as perfectly normal and ok things to be experiencing.

[Anne2.0]

Hey Rainbow,

I am thinking good thoughts for you about your session.

Feelings are just feelings, and its the meaning and interpretation we give to them that messes us up. One of the things that therapy can help us work on is acceptance of those feelings (which, ironically, then allows them to be on their way and to stop torturing us). Having feelings of any flavor does not mean that you have to act on them.

I may not understand all about your cultural and religious values, but in many communities the problems arise when people act on feelings, not when they have them.

[Sannah]

I'm with you Rainbow, good work!

[Ike McCaslin]

I'm in R8, good luck.

[Lamplighter]

Can I help out too? I haven't been here in ages but I remember you from before and would very much like to give you lots of support, especially in dealing with a topic as difficult and embarrassing and fraught as this (for me that is.)

Wishing you lots of strength and courage for your session

Torn

[granite1]

jumping in the pocket

[adel34]

Hi Rainbow,
I hope you have a good session today!
Lots of hugs.

Well Rain - Just because you are attracted to your T doesn't mean you are BI. There are some very strong feelings you are having in regard to her and they may just be getting confused with sexuality. The feelings are there , you and T have talked about them and should continue to do so until you are comfortable with why. Sexuality is one cause of shame for many people, thoughts don't make you bisexual nor does experience .... you are only Bi sexual if you choose to label yourself as such.

[rainbow8]

Thanks for the hugs and support. I appreciate it very much!!!

[taylor43]

Lots of hugs, im in your pocket!!

[Chopin99]

Diving into your pocket now.

[Perna]

Hope your session went well and was productive, helping you figure things out for yourself.

[Wren_]

hope it's a great session rain

[WikidPissah]

I hope it went well rain.

[Wren_]

shouldn't you be home by now

[geez]

Rainbow I hope you had a good session.

[ECHOES]

I'm just seeing this, but know I'm always there I hope your session was a great one!

[rainbow8]

I'm kind of overwhelmed with all of your good wishes, pocket riders, and hugs. They felt good.

I don't want to spoil it and write about my session but here goes. I was very disappointed with my T and had trouble leaving the building afterward. T saw me, but she couldn't talk more. I said I wanted to die. I felt immobilized but eventually left her waiting room when her next client came, and went to the lake. I also called my DBT T but she wasn't there.

T disappointed me for these reasons. Some are logical, some not.

1. She hadn't read the emails I sent because she went out-of-town, which I didn't know, of course. She does not mind my emailing again; we discussed it.
2. She didn't have answers for me; said she was not an expert on sexuality. She didn't have anything to say about whether it was about sensuality, my past, or anything. She WAS helpful in that she told me she believes sexual orientation is biological, and she doesn't judge me at all for feelings I have for her.
3. She doesn't think touching is good for me now, though she has said over and over she is not going to take it away. She changed her mind because of my reaction, but will take it week by week.
4. When I left she wasn't sure if we should hug, but I said it was okay so we did.
5. She's basically afraid that touching her will feel sexual now and that it isn't good for me!
6. She said we spent an hour talking about sexuality and we were going round and round and she couldn't help me.

I'm disappointed with myself too. I'm a failure in therapy and I told her I'm "using" her. She wants me to write my goals in therapy so we can re-evaluate. She said she would call my DBT T also.

My main goal is to improve my relationship with my H so that I do not use T to meet those needs.

Work on self-esteem, hating the way I look, and weight issues.

Feeling like a failure

How to get motivated to draw and paint: I'm stuck

More on anxiety relief

Aging and death

EMDR targets, which we never finished, and I don't even remember them.

Internet addiction

I wish DBT T had called back when I was immobilized. This happened before and she didn't call back until 2 days later. She's not much help though she says we're supposed to calll if we need help. I DID use my distracting and comforting skills by going to the beach, but it wasn't so good to sit in T's waiting room for 1/2 hour, stuck like a statue.

Things ARE improving with my H and me. Slowly, though. He wasn't compassionate last night when I felt so bad. He insisted I don't email my T until today, and don't send anything online. I cried hysterically after that but he was probably right. I emailed her after midnight to tell her I was okay and what my goals were. I'm not my H's slave so I didn't totally listen to him but I did WAIT a long time to email, an I DID wait until today to post here. He's right about my jumping to the internet. I called two friends instead and they both helped me very much.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I DID use my distracting and comforting skills by going to the beach

Things ARE improving with my H and me.

I called two friends instead and they both helped me very much.

Very good work ^ Rainbow! I like your goals too and agree that it would be excellent to start focusing on them.

[unaluna]

I'm sorry your T sounds like she is making excuses. How long has she been practicing? Yesterday my T finally was non-defensive. You know we show up and think anybody can handle our issues but I think it's not true. I wish you could see my T.

[granite1]

wow you are doing some hard work in T these days rain i bet it must be so painful.