How I'm doing

I'm kind of overwhelmed with all of your good wishes, pocket riders, and hugs. They felt good.

I don't want to spoil it and write about my session but here goes. I was very disappointed with my T and had trouble leaving the building afterward. T saw me, but she couldn't talk more. I said I wanted to die. I felt immobilized but eventually left her waiting room when her next client came, and went to the lake. I also called my DBT T but she wasn't there.

T disappointed me for these reasons. Some are logical, some not.

1. She hadn't read the emails I sent because she went out-of-town, which I didn't know, of course. She does not mind my emailing again; we discussed it.
2. She didn't have answers for me; said she was not an expert on sexuality. She didn't have anything to say about whether it was about sensuality, my past, or anything. She WAS helpful in that she told me she believes sexual orientation is biological, and she doesn't judge me at all for feelings I have for her.
3. She doesn't think touching is good for me now, though she has said over and over she is not going to take it away. She changed her mind because of my reaction, but will take it week by week.
4. When I left she wasn't sure if we should hug, but I said it was okay so we did.
5. She's basically afraid that touching her will feel sexual now and that it isn't good for me!
6. She said we spent an hour talking about sexuality and we were going round and round and she couldn't help me.

I'm disappointed with myself too. I'm a failure in therapy and I told her I'm "using" her. She wants me to write my goals in therapy so we can re-evaluate. She said she would call my DBT T also.

My main goal is to improve my relationship with my H so that I do not use T to meet those needs.

Work on self-esteem, hating the way I look, and weight issues.

Feeling like a failure

How to get motivated to draw and paint: I'm stuck

More on anxiety relief

Aging and death

EMDR targets, which we never finished, and I don't even remember them.

Internet addiction

I wish DBT T had called back when I was immobilized. This happened before and she didn't call back until 2 days later. She's not much help though she says we're supposed to calll if we need help. I DID use my distracting and comforting skills by going to the beach, but it wasn't so good to sit in T's waiting room for 1/2 hour, stuck like a statue.

Things ARE improving with my H and me. Slowly, though. He wasn't compassionate last night when I felt so bad. He insisted I don't email my T until today, and don't send anything online. I cried hysterically after that but he was probably right. I emailed her after midnight to tell her I was okay and what my goals were. I'm not my H's slave so I didn't totally listen to him but I did WAIT a long time to email, an I DID wait until today to post here. He's right about my jumping to the internet. I called two friends instead and they both helped me very much.

trying to be mindful in my RL, but at the same time I can't help wanting to "figure it out".

Why did I get immobilized after this session in particular? Why do I over react to disappointments? What can I do to prevent it from happening in therapy? I didn't know how bad I'd feel until I walked out. I want to be able to stop that cycle.

I can't pinpoint one reason except for feeling that my T disappointed me. She went away without telling me last week. That triggered me, I know. I hate when people go away without telling me! She took something important away from me--maybe. The touching/holding her hand was the best part of therapy even if it wasn't all the time. That hurts. She didn't have the answers. She's still frustrated with me. Maybe it's a package deal and I feel like I failed. So many triggers in one session but how come I didn't realize until after I walked out?

Rainbow
I am glad you are making progress! I always thought progress would be some kind of upward swerve, only to find out that for me, I figure something out only to fall back into the abyss. I thought I would slowly feel better, but that has yet to pass. I sometimes think that when I am on the top of the roller coaster, that it feels awkward, and that I jump out of the roller coaster and fall into the abyss because happiness doesn't come with protective walls, you know? Do you relate?
Also, another question, my T told me to make a list of things to do when I am freaking out, and to put him last on the list, lol. Do you ever feel like you don't even want to try these things because they won't help? What I mean is, if there are parts of yourself that you hate or don't accept, how does one go about soothing something one views as a not-me part? I see that you work through things by asking questions, as do I. These are my latest ruminative materials. I am curious as to your thoughts, and anyone else's?

when you find the answers, I will be happy for you. Maybe you could share them so I can have a clue about me. I just had a panicking, falling apart reaction to a session recently and it hasn't happened for a long time.

About touch, my T explained (again, recently) that if she thought it would help then it would be something to consider, but she doesn't think it helps because while it might feel soothing or comforting in the moment, she would rather help me find that within me, to have whenever I need it. I think this is so I will (finally) be able to live without the constant gnawing longing for comfort and security.

I guess I see it like a mother who sees her toddler explore and sometimes fall. She winces and when the toddler falls, but at the same time she knows he is learning, getting better at it, and will become proficient with enough time and with the right encouragement.

I like that you keep thinking and I continue to think that you are very courageous!

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CAn I just tell you how impressed I am with this post? You are thinking so clearly and your thoughts have such order to them. I LOVE IT! Sure wish I ahd the ability to do the same thing! My words (when they are there) just babble away almost making no sense at all!

I also appreciate your acceptance to the new boundaries T set up for you. It's really difficult to endure those changes, but you are doing ok Rainbow.... even though it may not feel like it. I'm proud of you. Keep it up!

Rainbow, you have changed! You are problem solving now and being curious! Keep going with this? It is okay to still be in the problem solving stage. You will eventually figure it all out. Can you be comfortable not having it all figured out YET? Being comfortable where you are at is a good life lesson. What I discovered was wishing to get to location B was just as uncomfortable once I got there. What I had to learn is to get comfortable no matter where I was. This WAS the lesson, not learning how to get to place B.