Weird session...help?

T came out of her office wearing a knee-length black jumper with a orange/white/black striped shirt, a long multi-strand silver necklace, black tights, and mid-calf high-heeled boots. By far the most stylish thing I've ever seen her wear. I told her she looked cute; she thanked me and said before she left the house that her H asked her who she was and where was his wife.

I started out by talking about my new (1.5 weeks now) anti-depressant/sleep aid, Trazodone. I said last night I'd took my meds, got sleepy about 2 hours after that, managed to get to bed and set my 3 alarms. I woke up at 11 am having turned off all 3 alarms. I remember none of this. She asked if I could reduce the dose. I said I could cut it in half. She said she wondered what it would be like to sleep though an alarm. She's never needed an alarm. Then she said she took antihistamine eye drops last night and she was still "high" from it. I said, "Eye drops?? Are you serious??" She said her daughter noticed something was wrong with her at lunch. I actually 'd.

She asked me what I wanted to work on. I said I had 3 things. One was to finish the work on shame related to maternal touch, one was in my purse, and one was on my iPad. The conversation went like this:
T: Which door is the prize behind, Monty?
Me: *Smiled coyly*
T: What's in your purse?
Me: Something.
T: Do that first because I don't like surprises.
Me: I actually wanted to do that last.
T: It's not really that I don't like surprises, I don't like waiting for surprises.
Me: Mmmm-kay.

I made T a CD of Christmas music with a light-scribed holiday pic on it and wrote a nice inscription inside the cover. She oohed and aahed over it and thanked me.

I then asked T about her Thanksgiving and was she able to see her son, who is in the Navy, was stationed in Guam, about to head to Afghanistan. She told me that he was a nurse and in training during the week at a nearby Marine base. She said he would changing from a Navy officer to a Marine officer while he's in the Middle East. She said he attended a 3 hour training on how to use a sleeping bag. Weirdness at this point. She sat like she does sometimes (when she's wearing pants), in a modified figure four. If I allowed myself to look more than the 0.005 seconds that I happened to glance down there, I'd have seen straight up to her underwear . A couple of weird thoughts passed through my mind:
"Is she coming on to me?"
"Is she doing this to see if I'll look?"
"She must have forgotten she was wearing a dress."
I hope the last is the case. She realized then that I was distracting her and asked me to start/finish the shame work related to maternal touch. We'd look at the iPad if we had time. So, I talked about my shame screens; moving away (hiding my need) or moving toward (manipulating amenable persons to get what I want). Then I went into critical awareness. I realized about halfway through that when I answered the questions on paper, I was intellectualizing. So she had me put the paper away and answer the questions in the here and now. I made the point that in the first world, vulnerability of any kind is looked upon as "weakness", that society judges people who have needs. Or, if we have needs, we can't show them. T started to smile. If we do show them, then we open ourselves up to judgement, embarrassment, and shame, especially for a need perceived by many to be a need we should not have as adults...something that should have been met in childhood. Society tends to sexualize touch between adults. People can use the "I don't have any needs" attitude to hide their own shame related to touch and anything else. By this time, T was beaming. I asked why she was smiling and she said because in her opinion, I was exactly right. She asked me what I learned overall by completing the exercise. I said it gave me a heightened awareness of the feelings that trigger shame (sexual, peculiar, untouchable, needy, and pathetic). I said it helped me understand what I just talked about and that I have manipulated certain people to get my need met. She said very good.

I told her I had bought a new camera and I wanted to show her a few pictures I had taken with it (on my iPad). So she came over and sat down next to me and the next weird thing happened. She put her knee against mine when she sat down. As much as I crave touch from her, I actually moved. I showed her several pics I'd taken. One was of me. I told her it bothered me a bit because I could tell I looked older. She asked, "Older than what?" I said, "dirt," then changed my answer to, "than I was." She said, "You have not one wrinkle on your face." I said indeed I did; couldn't she see the fine lines under my eyes. She bent close to the picture and said, "Not there." I put my face near hers and said, "Look at my face." She said, "Still not there." I said, "You have bad eyesight." Another pic was of my poodle, Obie. She got excited (she grew up with toy poodles) and asked me questions about him. Then she asked me if I had any pictures of my dachshund/husky mix. She relayed that she had a conversation with her H (in which she did not identify me or that it was a client), about the particular mix. When asked if he had ever seen one, he said no. She said she knew somebody who has one. Then much discussion ensued as to what it would look like and who was the mama; the husky or the dachshund. Her H maintained it had to be the husky because the dachshund "would explode". She maintained that it had to be the dachshund because how would the dachshund reach the husky. I told her the mama was the dachshund, she had a litter of five, and one looked like a mini-husky. When she saw the pic, she was amazed. I think she thought my dog would be hideous. He's actually rather cute.

Then she jumped up from the loveseat and said, "I have to show you my babies." She grabbed her iPhone and showed me a video of her rescue dog Lucy (her favorite) and her Boston terrier, Scamp (her daughter and H's favorite). So I got to see a bit of the inside of her house.

By this time, we'd run about 10 minutes over. She said she wanted to get in her car and take the long way home so she could hear the CD and that she was planning to sing along loudly. I took the opportunity to ask in what general area she lives and she told me .

I didn't pick up my stuff and asked for a real hug. The one time I decide to really pay attention to it, she gave me an a-frame hug and tried to pull away 3 times. On my way out the door I told her "thanks for everything," a sentiment from the CD cover, she just patted my arm and told me to have a good weekend.

Anybody else get mixed signals here? Was T really "high" from her antihistamine eye drops? Had an off day? Isn't real? I am perplexed. My session was yesterday. I emailed her in a panicked state earlier today related to my job changes and she never replied.

Hi Chopin,

This sounds like a lovely session to me. What makes you think it was weird?

Doesn't really seem terribly weird to me. Is it possible you are just reading way too much between the lines?

What is an a-frame hug? and did you try to pull away or did she? My T has a no hugging rule however in light of the crisis I've been in I felt it ok to ask for that support and I gave her and received a hug. It feels good to get hugged by T but what means more is what we talk about during the appointment.

I think the skirt mishap was probably her forgetting she was wearing a skirt and feeling comfortable being with you and not thinking about her own body language and attire.

i think it sounds lovely as well! she sounds really comfortable with you...in a good way. like it is a relationship that is still very therapeutic for you but at times can be lighthearted in a healthy way. i dont think it sounds weird at all

Hi MissCharlotte! Just because she was a bit "hyper" and did things out of character during the session. Then it was as if she shut down at the end, which she never does.

I don't believe I am, Chris. The session itself was fine, despite being a bit hyper; T was very open, I was very open. However, it seemed as if when the session was over, she "turned off" in a way she never has before, and I typically have her last session of the day.

I'm pretty mature and try to give people the benefit of the doubt (very different place than I was in a year ago when I assumed the worst of everyone) and I know she has her own life and own problems, but she normally strives to be very authentic. It was very uncharacteristic.

A-frame hug minimizes touch between the hugging individuals. Only the shoulders touch. My T never hugs like that and she was the one pulling away.

Hugging has been a huge deal in my therapy, especially in the last couple of months. I've been dealing with shame related to desiring maternal touch. When I asked her for a long hug a couple of weeks ago, she complied and told me over and over again, "it's okay." I even tried to pull away a couple of times and she'd pull me back to her and hug me even harder. It was very healing.

I agree. I just thought it was funny, even though those thoughts did run through my mind!

I shouldn't have described my session as weird in and of itself. A few weird things happened, but it's really the end that disturbed me.

Maybe where she works has hug policies? In school system we can only give those types of hugs. Or maybe sge was afraid of making you uncomfortable. You coukd ask her about it next time.

Thanks, likewater. No hug policies. If something had changed, she would have told me in advance. She would not have thought she'd make me uncomfortable by hugging me.

I'll ask her next time.

The part I have a hard time with, Chopin, is how it happened that she tried to pull away three times. How does that work? She pulled back and you refused to let go? That would bug the heck out of me. And then to have it happen two more times before you let go is a real lack of caring or respect for her desire to end the hug. Maybe that lack of respect for her boundary was why "she 'turned off' in a way she never has before."

I am not trying to upset you or judge you. Just offering another way of looking at it, maybe.

No offense or judgment taken, but too late on the upset. I'm sorry. I realize I need to apologize to T next session.

WTH is wrong with me? I don't normally get upset by things people say here.

Are you upset that I said it? If so, I am sorry and will try to keep quiet in the future. I really was trying to help you see why things might have happened the way they did. Or are you upset because you think I have a point? If that's the case, please try not to be upset, but just use it as tool for growth.

There's nothing wrong with you, Chopin. Your T is human, as you are. Sometimes it is easy to forget this, or it is for me. I idealize and idolize my PDOC, and when she doesn't meet my expectations, it sends me in a downward spiral, until I realize it's more about me than her.

No, I'm not upset at you. I thought you were right. I've sat here and thought about it for a few minutes and realize you may or may not be. Either way, I owe T an apology because I did cross that boundary. I just haven't crossed it in a long time. She's never reacted poorly in the past when I've done it, but that doesn't make it right any time I did it, including this time.

Thanks, Ike. There's nothing wrong with you either. I do idealize T to some extent, I think because she's been so authentic. I want to react to people similarly once I'm done with this journey.

I think the only way to know is to be straightforward and ask her about it. Thinking and thinking isn't going to get u anywhere... I think it could possibly be that since you said u have been working a lot in the last few months, u might be a little bit stressed and therefore over analyzing. I know when I'm working hard, my trust issues blaze.

That sounds so amazing. I wish my t would work with me on this... Is this an official technique? Or just something your t does? Because if it had a name, I might mention it to her

Chopin-
I am always amazed at how you recall your sessions in such detail.

My t did the skirt thing a few weeks ago too. She had on a shorter skirt and was recrossing her legs and well - I looked away as quickly as possible. I sit across from her. It was awkward but only for a second. I forgot it until I read your post.

I would say considering your t told you about the eye-drop thing to not read too much into the details of the session. Maybe she was still a bit off from that. But if it bothers you to bring the things you've written about up next time.

I think your attention to detail, gives you more to read into. You and your T have a great relationship and I am sure everything is fine. The underwear thing, would have freaked me out too.

During the summer time, my therapist will often wear skirts that are shorter than usual for her age demographic, along with open-toed heels. Now maybe it's just my imagination, but it seems like when she wears this attire--which she wears very nicely, in my opinion--she becomes more "girlish". It seems like she moves around more and becomes more expressive. I like this side of her, but I do admit that sometimes I'm like, "My, aren't we Miss Chirpypants today! Simmer down now!"

It seems to me that my therapist has two "professional" moods. One is upbeat, talkative, yet attentive. The other is ultra upbeat and ultra talkative, not so attentive. I'm sure she has a depressed, grouchy mood but she has never presented this side of her (at least not since I've been paying attention.) I don't think she's being inauthentic when she's hyper. I think she's just turned up a notch.

I am also amazed at the detail you recall. I am also noticing the language you us - coy for example. Not a word I would put in the same sentence as therapist (not criticizing, just looking at differences).

When I wear tights under a skirt, I think I feel less restricted in moving about, because all you can see underneath my skirt is my tights, as opposed to bare leg/underwear.

I have an 11 year old son, and I notice when he and a friend are "working" on the ipad or handheld game or whatever, they sit knee to knee. There is such an innocent sweetness at an age where they often desire to have a wide berth around physical contact with another boy. I still remember the day that my son grabbed his friend's hand, and that friend shook it off. But I digress.

I guess the image I had of the two of you sitting on the couch, her knee against yours to make it easier for her to peer at your screen (it puts a lot of strain on the hips to have to lean across, hence sitting closer is functional) was of two innocent kids comfortable with each other in that "task." I didn't see it as sensual at all in your description, but I also know that I occasionally wonder if my T is coming onto me-- so I just think that part is normal. Once I was talking about a prior session (in a nice way, compared to my usual ****** whenever I bring up something from the past) and he used the word "afterglow" to ask a follow up question. But what I think I've learned is that he has a certain playfulness about him when he is feeling especially comfortable (or when he thinks I am not going to figuratively kick him in the b*alls). And that was what was evoked for me in your description of your session, she just seemed to have a playful edge to her words and behaviors-- and I think I've seen this before in your descriptions.

So I wonder if maybe your interpretation of her playfulness was that she was somehow pushing you away? Or that, like many of us when people come closer, we pull away, as a way to regulate (literally, like on the couch for you) the distance-- there is always something of a dance in a dyad. But I could see for myself how my T being playful might make me desire greater closeness, because maybe I'd see it as him not being serious about my oh-so-serious problems (sarcasm directed to myself, half-heartedly, not to you) or as him teasing me. So maybe the hug for you was about regulating the distance and bringing her close because you felt unnerved about either your own distancing or what you perceived as distancing from her.

I'd let yourself off the hook for a boundary violation. It's not that she protested being re-hugged, it sounded to me more like a "oh, Chopin's still not done, I'm going back" kind of thing. I mean unless you're chasing her around the room with your arms flailing while you wail, "Chopin must have hugs!", I really think you're doing okay. And in the context of the stuff you're working on, I think you might be a little hyper sensitive to shame from any kind of touch, and I think you can let this one go. (if you want, it's not like a bad thing to raise how you felt with your T, and probably good). Just saying, I don't think you need a self flogging for this one. *hugs*

This is why I keep thinking my T is in love with me too. But I'm starting to see that the real question hiding behind it is, maybe my family really sees me and loves me. Which then comes down to, can I love myself?