[bamapsych]

I don't know if this is the correct place to post this so I apologize in advance if not. I had a session yesterday evening. We are trying to terminate. She has been more than accommodating thus far. She offers for me to make an appointment if needed since we have been spacing out appointments to 3-4 weeks. She knows I'm freaking out over terminating. I have 1 more session left. I told her I felt overwhelmed. She said I could book more sessions if I wanted to. I agreed. She's in a group practice and so I went to the receptionist after my session to book 2 more appointments. One of the office workers told the other one to not give me an appointment. I'm assuming this is per my T. I assume that she's told them that I'm having termination issues and for them to not give me any appointments. I felt really hurt and almost broke. I don't understand why T would tell me one thing and them another.

I got home around 6:30 pm. I don't remember much about anything after that. I've been trying to think but everything seems cloudy. I remember going straight to my bedroom and laying down. It's like I was in and out of conciousness, almost like daydreaming. I vaguely remember eating supper (bowl of cereal). I was sleepwalking or something. I remember getting up at midnight and going into another room and looking at my online bank account. At some point during the evening/night, I washed and dried 2 loads of clothes becasue they were piled on my couch this morning. I didn't brush my teeth before bed because they were super bad this morning. I looked on my phone this morning and saw where I had a 5 minute conversation with my grandma soon after getting home. I usually talk to her for 25-30 minutes. I do remember talking to her now that I saw it on my phone. I also saw text messages to/from my exboyfriend. I also remember this now that I saw it on my phone. When my clock went off at 5 am, it was hard for me to wake up, which is unusual. I'm at work and functioning, but I still don't feel normal. This has never happened before that I can recall.

Can any of you relate? Am I dissociating or something? What's going on with me? Any help/comments appreciated. Thanks in advance.

You are profoundly hurt. Whatever you call what is happening to you, you need to get yourself grounded in the present. Is that something you have worked on in therapy before? I use ice sometimes. Hold a piece in my hand, or my mouth and just focus on it.

Can you call your T to discuss this? It sounds like a misunderstanding between her and the staff.

I think you were probably dissociated. If your T is accomidating can you maybe call/text or email her to try to find out what is going on with the appointments? I can't for the life of me understand where she would tell you one thing and them another. You said "You assume its per your T". Please don't assume, but clarify with the T. The other office workers can't deny you appointments if your T said you can have more. Just does not make any sense to me. Please try to get a hold of your T and clarify the situation. If you are not ready to terminate, and your T is not "forcing" it, then please try to get more information before you move forward with decisions or assumptions. Hugs to you.

Also..try deep breathing, playdoh, distraction, put your feet flat on the floor, look around the room and name 5 things you can see, hear and touch.

[stopdog]

Could you just call the woman and ask her? At least that way you would be clear and not spiraling out on incomplete information. Her staff could be confused.

[bamapsych]

She is out of office until monday. Im traumatized from past incidence where the intern she was supervising terminated me abruptly and referred me to her. T has told me that the only way she would do that is if I physically hurt her in some way. of course ive never physically hurt anybody so I assured her it wouldnt happen with her either lol. ive sent her like 3 emails over the course of about a year. She acknowleges that she received them at the next session but she dont reply to them. Ive called her voicemail 1 time. It took her 2 days to respond.

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by Jersey01

I think you were probably dissociated. If your T is accomidating can you maybe call/text or email her to try to find out what is going on with the appointments? I can't for the life of me understand where she would tell you one thing and them another. You said "You assume its per your T". Please don't assume, but clarify with the T. The other office workers can't deny you appointments if your T said you can have more. Just does not make any sense to me. Please try to get a hold of your T and clarify the situation. If you are not ready to terminate, and your T is not "forcing" it, then please try to get more information before you move forward with decisions or assumptions. Hugs to you.

Also..try deep breathing, playdoh, distraction, put your feet flat on the floor, look around the room and name 5 things you can see, hear and touch.

Maybe her way of "forcing" termination is to tell the receptionists to not have available appointments for me or limit my appointments. Maybe shes trying to.do this cause she thinks I would be hurt or feel rejected if she told me not to make any more appointments. Thanks for the suggestions for grounding exercises

[Chordal Pitch]

I actually don't think anything is wrong with you. Terminating someones life is no small matter and your reaction to it is consistent with a normal human response. What would seem unusual would be reacting this way towards the removal of something non-human, or to be indifferent to killing a human. It appears to me, by your state of mind, that you at least suspect that this is a humans life that you are deciding over (regardless of the debates over this issue). Being implicated in another humans death is something that will haunt any normal human being. To avoid this you need to be 100% sure the fetus is not human, not just in your mind but deep in your heart. I don't think biting on ice or naming 5 things in your room will bring you resolution, nor will endless therapy.

[stopdog]

Has your therapist ever put off her dirty work on her staff? If no, then I would try not to assume it now. If you cannot clarify with her until monday, can you try not to assume the worst until this is clarified.

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Has your therapist ever put off her dirty work on her staff? If no, then I would try not to assume it now. If you cannot clarify with her until monday, can you try not to assume the worst until this is clarified.

She actually has. When I was terminated by intern, the intern and my current T agreed for me to meet with intern briefly (less than 5 minutes) at the beginning of my sessions if I would still continue therapy. This never happened. Instead, intern wouldn't even come to waiting room to get her clients if I were there. One of the receptionists would do it for her and take them to her office. On top of that, my T was on crutches from foot surgery and couldn't come get me. Her other clients were allowed to go up to her office when she called the receptionists and said she was ready. When intern was there, when my T would call for me to come to her office, one of the receptionists would walk with me up there. I confronted T about it and she said it was true. Intern felt really uncomfortable around me because of some issues she had from her past.

[pegasus]

(((((( bamapsych )))))))

I don't know your history but it sounds like you are in shock. It doesn't sound to me like you are ready for termination. Termination should only happen as a mutual decision, ie you feel well enough to cope well with life without the need for a therapist. If the termination is because of a poor match or the therapist can't help you then they should help you to make the transition to a new therapist.

Ground yourself in the here and now and check with your therapist (not the darned receptionist) what the arrangement was. Gradual stepping down of the therapy is the way to go and leaving only when you are ready.

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by Chordal Pitch

I actually don't think anything is wrong with you. Terminating someones life is no small matter and your reaction to it is consistent with a normal human response. What would seem unusual would be reacting this way towards the removal of something non-human, or to be indifferent to killing a human. It appears to me, by your state of mind, that you at least suspect that this is a humans life that you are deciding over (regardless of the debates over this issue). Being implicated in another humans death is something that will haunt any normal human being. To avoid this you need to be 100% sure the fetus is not human, not just in your mind but deep in your heart. I don't think biting on ice or naming 5 things in your room will bring you resolution, nor will endless therapy.

I have no idea what you are talking about. Termination here on PC refers to ending therapy not death issues. If I'm misunderstanding your post, can you please explain more clearly?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Chordal Pitch

I actually don't think anything is wrong with you. Terminating someones life is no small matter and your reaction to it is consistent with a normal human response. What would seem unusual would be reacting this way towards the removal of something non-human, or to be indifferent to killing a human. It appears to me, by your state of mind, that you at least suspect that this is a humans life that you are deciding over (regardless of the debates over this issue). Being implicated in another humans death is something that will haunt any normal human being. To avoid this you need to be 100% sure the fetus is not human, not just in your mind but deep in your heart. I don't think biting on ice or naming 5 things in your room will bring you resolution, nor will endless therapy.

I think you may be confused about this thread and possibly this whole forum.
No one was talking about a fetus.

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think you may be confused about this thread and possibly this whole forum.
No one was talking about a fetus.

I took a look at their profile. They are a newbie here on PC. I assume they are linking termination with abortion but I'm not sure. Maybe they will come back and clarify. I re-read my posts to make sure nothing could be misinterpreted since sometimes I can have issues communicating effectively.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

I took a look at their profile. They are a newbie here on PC. I assume they are linking termination with abortion but I'm not sure. Maybe they will come back and clarify. I re-read my posts to make sure nothing could be misinterpreted since sometimes I can have issues communicating effectively.

I don't think you miscommunicated at all.

[Bill3]

bamapsych, your communication was fine.

With regard to the scheduling of a new appointment, here is what I think happened. T had previously told staff not to schedule you. After your session, during which t said you could have another two appointments, you reached the office staff before T did. Office staff had not yet been told that T was allowing you these additional appointments.

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think you miscommunicated at all.

Good When I first read their post I felt really defensive. Then I realized they are confused and now it's sort of funny

[amandalouise]

bamaphch thank you for posting in the dissociative disorders board the link to this thread ...

no I dont consider this to be dissociation. here where I live and work in NY USA what you are going through is called depression, shock and grieving process due to the termination of a therapist.

Here where I live and work going through this is considered to be a completely normal part of transitioning / terminating therapy.

I have gone through this many times and though it hurts right now the grieving process will get easier and you will feel better soon.

one thing that may help you get through this transition of losing a therapist is seeing another therapist..

suggestion maybe you can place a phone call to the ex therapist not for a session but to leave a message asking her for contact info for possibilities for a new therapist.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I think you need to call her and ask her. This is clearly negatively effecting you, bama. One call could end your worrying. No matter what the answer, I think it would be better to know.

I am sorry about you having difficulty terminating. When I was going through that, I was going to get another appt., I used to be on the books for Tues., but the receptionist told T that I wasn't scheduled at all. I was already forgotten and I hadn't yet left It hurts, I understand. But maybe your T isn't involved in this. Keep us posted, and please take are of yourself.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I hear conflicting statements
>> She has been more than accommodating thus far. She offers for me to make an appointment if needed ... She said I could book more sessions if I wanted to.

>> One of the office workers told the other one to not give me an appointment.

>> I'm assuming this is per my T.
why??

you need to get this straight from her and ASAP.

I think the way you have been treated by ex t and the receptionists is appaling. considering you have done nothing wrong yet they treat you like that. And now this, i think the way you reacted is perfectly normal. You are in shock. If I were you I would get away from the two of those t s, they you like you have stalked her or something. You deserve to be treated better and I think that will come with a new T.

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I hear conflicting statements
>> She has been more than accommodating thus far. She offers for me to make an appointment if needed ... She said I could book more sessions if I wanted to.

>> One of the office workers told the other one to not give me an appointment.

>> I'm assuming this is per my T.
why??

you need to get this straight from her and ASAP.

Why else would they basically refuse me an appointment?

It's almost Monday, and she'll be in the office and you can call and ask, right? I hope you call. Big hugs.

[Sila]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

Why else would they basically refuse me an appointment?

It could've been a miscommunication. You can't really assume things until you talk to those involved, such as your (ex?)T.

[elliemay]

I think you were likely just in shock over what happened at your therapist's office. That's happened to me before, just kind of going through the motions without being there. I'm not sure it's dissociating, but more like a lot of processing going on - background operations are still functioning.

Regarding what happened at your therapist office... First, I think you have a right to be quite angry at the way the receptionist's treated you. They are not necessarily the "enforcers" of the therapist, and likely were just acting of their own accord here. Why? Probably a miscommunication. They could have handled it *a lot* better. You deserve that "a lot better".

Also, if you want to challenge your assumptions about what happened, I usually sit and brainstorm all of the possible scenarios that could have led up to it.

There are a whole bunch of things that, although outside of your assumption, could have happened. Maybe it would help to try and at least think of some of those.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

Why else would they basically refuse me an appointment?

because some of them are mean.

If my T wanted to refuse me an appointment and got someone else to do it for her, wow for me that would be the end of a trust relationship necessary to do good work. I'd have to call her and ask.