[CantExplain]

Like

I’ve often told my T I love her and respect her. I’ve also said I admire her, worship her, fear her, hate her. But I’ve never said I like her. And she notes that I have often criticised her hair, her clothes, her jewellery, her facial expression and her technique. She wonders if I don’t like her.

This is a not an easy question to answer. T thinks I may be playing back what my mother did to me. My mother was very critical and perhaps she didn’t like me. And perhaps I didn’t like her.

I know I love my mother because I grieved when she died, I grieve we weren’t closer, I grieve that we never had the relationship we could have had. T questioned whether grief was really evidence of love, but I think I persuaded her that it is.

Incidentally, I have sometimes complimented her on her appearance. I’ve liked some of her dresses and I very much liked her boots. “You like me when I’m sexy,” she says. Ouch!

Criticism

In the past, I have been very critical and some people must have given up on me pretty quickly. But others didn’t give up on me.

Where does this criticism come from? Partly I learned it from my mother. My mother said I was lazy, selfish, arrogant, rude and untidy. She disapproved of my sexuality and the way I dressed.

But in essence, I have a fantasy about how things should be and I notice when the reality falls short of the ideal. With T, I still have not been able to let go of the fantasy that she is (or could be) the perfect mother and the perfect woman.

Abandonment

T pointed out that my fear of abandonment and my tendency to criticise work against each other. I push people away and then complain that no one likes me. I pointed out that I’ve worked very hard at that and I am much softer and more accepting than I was.

One of my biggest fears is that I have only a few real quality relationships and I won’t be able to replace them if I lose them. But this fear is a bit irrational. I don’t make friends easily, but I have gained one or two new friends in the past year.

[BonnieJean]

CE, how do you know you love your t? I ask because I'm struggling with having feelings that could be used in the definition of love but when they are towards someone who is basically a stranger except for what happens in therapy, I don't think it is possible.... If that is too personal a question for you, no worries about answering. I'm wondering how can I love someone I don't really know that much? ( I hope this isn't construed as hijaking it was my reaction to your first point)

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

And she notes that I have often criticised her hair, her clothes, her jewellery, her facial expression and her technique. She wonders if I don’t like her.

We all have preferences in dress and style but we are socialized to NOT comment on this to other people ("if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all). So I wonder why you feel the need to criticize your therapist? You could just think to yourself that you don't like her latest hairstyle so much, but why say it outloud? You could control this if you wanted to, couldn't you?

Originally Posted by CantExplain

T pointed out that my fear of abandonment and my tendency to criticise work against each other. I push people away and then complain that no one likes me.

I have noticed that in so many patients where I work (psych hospital). The ones with the strongest needs are often the ones who push people away strongly with criticism, unpleasant behavior, demands, manipulation, etc. (Not saying all these things apply to you, CantExplain.) I think it really helps them when they make the connection between their behavior and the outcome of being alone, abandoned, ostracized, etc. You sound so far along in insight, CantExplain. You see the connection. With that insight, behavior change can come next.

FWIW, I've never told my T that I like him, but I have told him that I love him. He knows I like him, though. And I know he likes me. We can feel that in all of our interactions. Do you feel that in your interactions with your T?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

CE, how do you know you love your t? I ask because I'm struggling with having feelings that could be used in the definition of love but when they are towards someone who is basically a stranger except for what happens in therapy, I don't think it is possible.... If that is too personal a question for you, no worries about answering. I'm wondering how can I love someone I don't really know that much? ( I hope this isn't construed as hijaking it was my reaction to your first point)

How do I know I love my T?

I miss her and want to be with her and I was terrified she might die.
Grief again, I suppose.

And sometimes I feel so peaceful and comfortable with her.

Is that enough?

It took me only two hours to fall in love with my wife, so it can happen very quickly.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sunrise

We all have preferences in dress and style but we are socialized to NOT comment on this to other people ("if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all).

That's easily answered. I'm an Aspergic and not very well socialised! Anyway, she encourages it.

Some people hate that, some people find it refreshing. I suspect you are one of the former! How do you feel about Sheldon Cooper?

Originally Posted by sunrise

FWIW, I've never told my T that I like him, but I have told him that I love him. He knows I like him, though. And I know he likes me. We can feel that in all of our interactions. Do you feel that in your interactions with your T?

I've thought a great deal about love, but much less about liking. It's a journey.

[feralkittymom]

I've thought a great deal about love, but much less about liking. It's a journey.

It could be because "love" during therapy is often a part of transference, touching upon feelings experienced or wished for from the past; "liking" is more about the person actually in the room in the moment. Sometimes, that can be more threatening. "Disliking" can feel safer.

It's interesting because we usually think of "love" as a deeper and so higher risk emotion to feel IRL, but because it is filtered through transference in therapy, it can be a lower risk emotion to feel than "liking."

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I've thought a great deal about love, but much less about liking. It's a journey.

It could be because "love" during therapy is often a part of transference, touching upon feelings experienced or wished for from the past; "liking" is more about the person actually in the room in the moment. Sometimes, that can be more threatening. "Disliking" can feel safer.

It's interesting because we usually think of "love" as a deeper and so higher risk emotion to feel IRL, but because it is filtered through transference in therapy, it can be a lower risk emotion to feel than "liking."

So you're saying love is more easily transferred than like?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Some people hate that, some people find it refreshing. I suspect you are one of the former!

I'm actually OK with it, believe it or not. I'm a scientist and we're trained to be non-judgmental, etc. I do know social "rules" though and try to respect them. I don't like to hurt others, and I think a lot of social rules allow people to save face and co-exist with grace. I understand about the Asperger's challenge here. Keep trying! Even though you said your T encourages your criticism of her dress and hair etc., therapy can be a time to try out new ways of behaving and being in the world. A practice run for the real world. So you could try stretching yourself sometime and see if you can refrain from the critical, personal comments to your T. You can try acting like you're socialized even though you're not. An experiment of sorts.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

How do you feel about Sheldon Cooper?

Believe it or not, I just started watching Big Bang Theory in the last week or two. I've seen just a few episodes and love all the nerd guys, even Sheldon. I know these guys many times over! So to see them depicted on TV makes me smile. One time I gave a talk to an auditorium of scientists and one guy raised his hand and asked, "why'd you do that stupid experiment?" He wasn't trying to be rude or anything. He just wanted to know why I did something that didn't make sense to him. So yeah, I know Sheldon well!

[feralkittymom]

So you're saying love is more easily transferred than like?

Yup.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I'm actually OK with it, believe it or not. I'm a scientist and we're trained to be non-judgmental, etc. I do know social "rules" though and try to respect them. I don't like to hurt others, and I think a lot of social rules allow people to save face and co-exist with grace. I understand about the Asperger's challenge here. Keep trying! Even though you said your T encourages your criticism of her dress and hair etc., therapy can be a time to try out new ways of behaving and being in the world. A practice run for the real world. So you could try stretching yourself sometime and see if you can refrain from the critical, personal comments to your T. You can try acting like you're socialized even though you're not. An experiment of sorts.

Believe it or not, I just started watching Big Bang Theory in the last week or two. I've seen just a few episodes and love all the nerd guys, even Sheldon. I know these guys many times over! So to see them depicted on TV makes me smile. One time I gave a talk to an auditorium of scientists and one guy raised his hand and asked, "why'd you do that stupid experiment?" He wasn't trying to be rude or anything. He just wanted to know why I did something that didn't make sense to him. So yeah, I know Sheldon well!

Sciences here too. It's a very tolerant field.