[likelife]

I decided, after much back and forthing, and finally just doing it on impulse, to call another T to consult about my current therapy. The consultation T came highly recommended from a friend, and she happens to be an expert in something I'm currently struggling with (sorry for the vagueness, I don't feel too comfortable putting specifics out right now).

I have an appointment scheduled with consultation T on Wednesday, and I see my regular T, whom I've been seeing for 5+ years now tomorrow. I realized some time late last week that I don't actually have any idea how to articulate why I feel the need to consult another T. And it all feels vaguely illicit, like some kind of warped infidelity. My T knows I'm going to see this other T, has encouraged it, in fact, and has communicated to me that she only wants the best for me, and so on.

I'm wondering if anyone has had a good experience consulting an outside T, and if so, what helped. I'm having huge second thoughts about all of this now.

ETA: I feel like I have to go through with it, though, because consultation T kind of went out of her way to accommodate my schedule.

[ECHOES]

I don't have any experience with a consultation T, but I did read about the idea and thought it sounded so interesting.

I think the T will help you to articulate why you decided to see her. I think this is something she might even expect. It makes sense that you would feel uneasy. It will be okay.

If you care to share, let us know how it goes.

[mixedup_emotions]

I have not experienced consulting another T...but my T has suggested it during our times of rupture or when I've felt significantly stuck. The idea, in my case, was to have a professional third party who could help me bring certain things to awareness that might otherwise be blocked. I definitely see great value in it and would do it if I needed to.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I don't have any experience with a consultation T, but I did read about the idea and thought it sounded so interesting.

I think the T will help you to articulate why you decided to see her. I think this is something she might even expect. It makes sense that you would feel uneasy. It will be okay.

If you care to share, let us know how it goes.

Thanks for your response, Echoes. I think you're right that she'll help me articulate my reasons for seeing her. I appreciate the support

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I have not experienced consulting another T...but my T has suggested it during our times of rupture or when I've felt significantly stuck. The idea, in my case, was to have a professional third party who could help me bring certain things to awareness that might otherwise be blocked. I definitely see great value in it and would do it if I needed to.

That's interesting that your T suggested it. I have a hard time not feeling rejected by those kinds of suggestions, even though I know they are well intentioned. I think you're right about having an objective third party. Sometimes I feel so wrapped in the dynamics with my T that I lose sight of which way is up.

[Lamplighter]

Things are so different where you are - over here (in UK) there's a real moratorium on seeing a different T whilst in therapy, if you want a consultation you mostly have to do it behind current T's back. So on the one hand it's great that your T both knows and approves that you are seeing a consultation T.

On the other hand, I think I get how that must be making you feel, like she's saying ho hum it doesn't bother me in fact I'm actually hoping you get on with the consult T so you go see her instead of staying with me... Or maybe, because she's fine with the idea, it feels to you like she's maybe not as invested in the therapy and is secretly seeing this as a way of getting rid of you? Forgive me if I'm putting words in your mouth, this is just what I'd think if I were feeling uncomfortable about T being ok with my seeing a different T.

Interesting that you aren't clear in your own mind, or at least aren't able to put into words, your reasons for having wanted to see a consultation T in the first place. I do hope when you see her that she will help you sort it all out.

As I said we don't have the option to see consultation Ts over here, but there have been many times I've gone secretly to see a new T while still in therapy, mainly to see if they would be any better for me. And yeah they have been sometimes quite positive experiences.

Where you are probably in a better position, is in being able to openly talk about issues in your ongoing therapy and elicit consultation T's help with sorting through them. Having an objective professional point of view/listener can be really valuable.

I hope your meeting with her goes well and helps resolve whatever issue drove you to seek her help in the first place.

Torn

I've had two sessions with a second T to work on a rupture with my regular T. I felt a need to see someone else because I was stuck. I realized that T was being reasonable but I couldn't accept it, and didn't know why. I needed to work on what was going with me, and every time I brought it up in session, T would go into defensive mode about his position. I told him I wanted to see another T for a couple of sessions to work on what was going on with me, and that I felt he was biased whenever I tried to talk about it. He said, "You're right." (Well, at least he admitted it.)

This rupture had gone on for 4 months, and it only took 2 sessions with the other T for me to figure out what I needed to do. I felt validated and listened to by other T, which was exactly what I needed since I was feeling pretty rejected by regular T. It was refreshing to be "heard"!!!

So I was able to take a risk and do something that was terrifying for me, and that I swore I would never do because I was afraid to trust T, and he came through - he was there for me. He modified his stance, which was all I needed to get over the hump.

So yeah, seeing a consultation T worked for me. It also made me appreciate my regular T even more.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

On the other hand, I think I get how that must be making you feel, like she's saying ho hum it doesn't bother me in fact I'm actually hoping you get on with the consult T so you go see her instead of staying with me... Or maybe, because she's fine with the idea, it feels to you like she's maybe not as invested in the therapy and is secretly seeing this as a way of getting rid of you? Forgive me if I'm putting words in your mouth, this is just what I'd think if I were feeling uncomfortable about T being ok with my seeing a different T.

Interesting that you aren't clear in your own mind, or at least aren't able to put into words, your reasons for having wanted to see a consultation T in the first place. I do hope when you see her that she will help you sort it all out.

As I said we don't have the option to see consultation Ts over here, but there have been many times I've gone secretly to see a new T while still in therapy, mainly to see if they would be any better for me. And yeah they have been sometimes quite positive experiences.

Torn

Thanks so much for your response, Torn. It's like you reached into my head and pulled out and articulated all of the discomfort I have with the ease with which my T is ready to show me the door (not literally, of course, just my overactive mind at work).

It's unfortunate that you don't have the option to see consultation Ts. If I can step back from it, it doesn't seem that different from getting a second opinion from a different physician, though I understand that there might feel like there is more of a component of critiquing the first T's work, vs. offering another "objective" assessment of the situation.

That's great that you've had positive experiences with seeing other Ts, even if you had to do it on the sly. A part of me considered just going without saying anything, but I ultimately decided that would feel too weird, and since it's not a specific prohibition, it seemed like it would be in my best interest to bring it up.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

I've had two sessions with a second T to work on a rupture with my regular T. I felt a need to see someone else because I was stuck. I realized that T was being reasonable but I couldn't accept it, and didn't know why. I needed to work on what was going with me, and every time I brought it up in session, T would go into defensive mode about his position. I told him I wanted to see another T for a couple of sessions to work on what was going on with me, and that I felt he was biased whenever I tried to talk about it. He said, "You're right." (Well, at least he admitted it.)

This rupture had gone on for 4 months, and it only took 2 sessions with the other T for me to figure out what I needed to do. I felt validated and listened to by other T, which was exactly what I needed since I was feeling pretty rejected by regular T. It was refreshing to be "heard"!!!

So I was able to take a risk and do something that was terrifying for me, and that I swore I would never do because I was afraid to trust T, and he came through - he was there for me. He modified his stance, which was all I needed to get over the hump.

So yeah, seeing a consultation T worked for me. It also made me appreciate my regular T even more.

It's so relieving to hear that you had such a good experience with meeting with another T. I've been dealing with an ongoing rupture with my T, though it's not actually a rupture, just a difference in views in which I know my T is ultimately "right," but it's still hard for me to step away from the feelings.

I think I'm in the same place you were, in that I know my T is being reasonable, and is doing her job just fine, but *I* am still feeling screwed up about it. I know, I'm still being vague. Sorry about that.

I like what you said about taking a risk to do something terrifying - that's what it feels like - and I'm glad it worked out so well for you!

Actually it was kind of liberating to see another T, because I knew it was temporary, I didn't care if I liked him or not, didn't care if he liked me, there was no therapeutic bond to worry about, etc. It kind of freed me up to really focus on what was going on with ME and not T and speak freely. And it wasn't that other T said any magic words or anything, but he did have a different perspective on the whole thing, and that's what I needed. Seriously, seeing things from a different perspective can be invaluable in overcoming a block.

I know what you mean about it feeling "illicit" somehow. I had to tell myself that I was doing it to save the T relationship, because I did feel sort of like a traitor, even tho regular T had said he was fine with it.

When I mentioned to consultation T that I wanted to see him for help with my regular T, he said it's very common for people to do that and he was quite comfortable with it. So don't feel you need to justify what you're doing. I hope it goes well for you. Just focus on you!

[likelife]

I saw my regular T this morning. True to form, I was unable to talk with her about anything of any import. I just rambled. Even though she gave me several openings to discuss seeing the consult T tomorrow, I just totally froze. But at least I recognized that this is one of my main problems with my current T. There are so many things that have gone unresolved between us (on my end), that I just clam up whenever I'm around her. I even called her this afternoon, which is something I never, ever do, because I was so distressed about not being able to talk about what was on my mind. But then I froze up when I was leaving a voicemail! I feel like an idiot.

I'm tempted to write her a follow up email to apologize for being so weird, and so inarticulate, but I don't want to make things worse than I already feel I have.

I see consult T tomorrow. I'm totally freaked out about the idea.

I have little contact withT outsideof sessions, and most of them are apologies of one kind or another. I think it's normal for some of us. But I think the really important thing is the communication. And I also have major problemswith freezing up in sessions and not saying what I want to say. You're not alone in that!! Good luck - hope it goes well.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

I have little contact withT outsideof sessions, and most of them are apologies of one kind or another. I think it's normal for some of us. But I think the really important thing is the communication. And I also have major problemswith freezing up in sessions and not saying what I want to say. You're not alone in that!! Good luck - hope it goes well.

You're right, the communication is the important part (she tells herself over and over ). Thank you so much for your kind wishes. You made me smile tonight, which, other than watching The Daily Show, was really the only time today I've done that!

Today's the day, right, LL? I'll be thinking of you! Hope it goes well.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Today's the day, right, LL? I'll be thinking of you! Hope it goes well.

Thank you so much for checking in, MKAC! I tested up when I saw your message.

I just got back from seeing consult T. It went well, I think. She's different from my T, obviously, and it was a little weird trying to accommodate to the different style. I did the best I could at explaining my current struggles with my T, and consult T did a great job of trying to fill in some of the blanks. She "missed" me on several occasions, but I chalked that up to not knowing me at all.

I think what was so strikingly different about her is that she told me some basic stuff about herself upfront (age, kids, married, general area where she lives, etc.), which helped me to feel a lot more comfortable. It wasn't inappropriate ( took 30 sec, if that), but I felt welcomed. My T isn't exactly closed off, but she seems reluctant to talk about herself (which is totally fine, it's just that she has this weird way of talking around things, rather than just saying them outright).

The other difference, which I found interesting, was that consult T asked me often during session about my internal experience, and shared her own impressions of what she was seeing. She wasn't always accurate when surmising my experience, but it opened up a really different kind of dialogue, which was both terrifying and intriguing.

All in all, I think it went well, though I feel like I'm still trying to process all of it. I'm glad I went, even if I'm not sure where to go from here.

Thank you to everyone for your support

[pbutton]

Thanks for the update. I was interested to see how it went. Sounds like it was a positive experience.

I'm glad your session went well, and I hope seeing this 'consult T' works out for you. I'm doing something similar myself, as I've been going through a rupture with my T and am finding it hard to work out with her - in part down to my 'clamming up', like you say happens to you too. I keep getting triggered with her and stuck in shy wounded child mode. Not sure if I would have taken this step, but my T is away for a while and she gave me the other T's number. It's so strange seeing another T, and it's surprising how they can pick up on different things. Only one session so far, like you, so it's hard to say how it's going at this point... just finding it so weird doing therapy with someone without all the attachment/transference/relationship...!

Hope you'll keep us updated

[likelife]

JSG - Yes! The exact same is true for me - I get triggered by my T and end up in wounded, mute child mode, just like you described. I'm glad you had the opportunity to consult with someone else too. Do you plan to continue?

Isn't it frustrating?! And embarrassing?! I hate that I can't stay in my 'healthy adult' and have all the conversations and discussions I need to. When I go into hurt child mode I can't verbalise what's going on, I can barely think at all. It's really like I AM a child, upset and bewildered, unable to comprehend her own feelings and what is going on, just wanting reassurance and hugs from 'mum' (but too scared to ask!) Because of the rupture, therapy, being vulnerable with my T, no longer feels 'safe', you know? (For 'her', hurt child. Brave rational adult me wants to talk!)

I plan to meet with this other T again next week, he says we will work with this 'child part' that is 'running the show'... I'll see how I go on from there. I feel like I need to give it a go to try and salvage my therapy, as me and my regular T seem to be stuck in a negative cycle/pattern. The last couple of months have been rather upsetting, as I think the world of my T. I'm hoping that some sessions with this other T (her supervisor) will help me process what's going on, get this 'child part' under control(!), and maybe get some perspective. Hopefully I'll then be in a better position to work through the issues I'm having with T and the therapeutic relationship...!

[Lamplighter]

LL that sounds like a pretty positive meeting, though it also sounds like it's thrown up a few questions and doubts also. So you'll be doing a fair bit of thinking about both the consultation session and your normal therapy then!

It's so hard to tell just from one meeting how a T is going to be. But the point of it really was to get some perspective on your current therapy. Was the consult T any use with that? Do you think you got a better handle on what's happening in your therapy and what you can do about it? And do you think you'll be seeing the consult T again? LOL sorry for the twenty questions, I was just really interested to hear how it all went.

Not to hijack, but wanted to wish JSG luck with her consult session too. Hope it helps.

Torn

[likelife]

Hey, JSG and Torn - thanks for your thoughts. I'm gonna come back later to reply more - have a crazy busy day at work today!